


The Quiet War

by CF_Casper



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Angst, Cigarette Smoking, Drug Mentions, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Gangs, Gun Violence, Kidnapping, Knife Violence, M/M, Marauders era, Weapons, no major character death i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-03-30 14:02:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 62,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13953114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CF_Casper/pseuds/CF_Casper
Summary: "Let's use love like a knife try to cut through the surfaceLove can break through the ice when you're fighting a different kind of war”(Sirius and Lily are in a gang. James and Remus run a book shop. Everyone falls in love.)





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this for NaNoWriMo 2017 and my main characters were a bit inspired by the Marauders. I wanted people to get a chance to read it and share their opinions before I try to do anything with it, so please feel free to share your thoughts and feelings. The whole story is already written, so I'll try to keep updates to a regular schedule of every Monday afternoon. I hope you're ready for one too many Princess Bride references.
> 
> I haven't published much fanfiction since my deviantArt days; do we still do disclaimers? If so, I don't own any of these characters of course.
> 
> And finally, both the title and the lyrics dispersed throughout the chapters belong to my favourite band of all time, The Used, who inspire me in everything that I do. This novel would never have been written if it weren't for them.

**Chapter One**

_ “For behold, forsaken from thee _

_ Flowered bloom, a chance yet to be _

_ For the beast, made from the same stone _

_ Filthy boots for lick, I’m a jealous man _

_ Shall we beg for the leap of faith _

_ Is the razor blade formed to lines” _

“Go, fucking go!”

Lily hears the shout echo down the dimly lit corridor, barely audible over the sound of pure chaos coming at her from every side. Before she can even begin to process what else is going on or that she probably should be in a dead sprint to an exit she’s heading toward the source of the shout, deep in the heart of the dilapidated building that’s practically shaking around her. She passes Peter on her way, who yells at her to get out, but they both know that she’s not going anywhere without Sirius.

When she finds him he’s still hunched over their largest bomb, fiddling with wires and pressing buttons with his brow furrowed in determination. She skids to a stop in the doorway and stares for a moment.

“What are you doing?” She finally asks, when Sirius doesn’t look up upon her arrival.

He remains unfalteringly fixated on the bomb in front of him. “I need to get this to work,” He murmurs, only half paying attention to what he’s saying.

“Are you joking, Sirius?” Lily starts into the room, crouching down next to him. “Everything’s gone wrong; we need to get out of here. We need to go now.”

Sirius just shakes his head absentmindedly, hands still flying over the bomb. “You go. I need to see this through.”

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” Lily mutters to herself. “Sirius, you need to get up right now. We have to go. And you’re a fucking idiot if you think I’m going anywhere without you.”

Sirius finally looks up. “Lily - “ He starts, but he’s swiftly interrupted.

“No, shut the fuck up. You’re getting up off this grimy ass floor, and you’re leaving that bomb where it is, and you’re coming with me. The Libs are going to show up in here at any second and I’ll be damned if I’m letting your stubborn ass die today.”

“This was my mission,” Sirius pleads, running his hands exasperatedly through his long, tangled hair. “Lily, I have to finish this.”

Lily shoves him, causing him to lose his balance on his heels and topple to the floor. “I don’t give a fuck what Father will say. You are not dying today. You’re not going to leave me all alone, Siri. Are you?”

Sirius freezes, his pale grey eyes boring into Lily’s bright emerald irises. “Fuck, Lil,” He breathes, “goddamn it. You know I won’t.”

Lily relaxes slightly and gives him a small smile. “Yeah, I know.” She stands up and reaches out a hand to pull him up as well. “Let’s go.”

Sirius keeps her hand clutched tightly in his as they dart out of the room and rush down the hall. There’s still shouting in the distance, but at this point, most of the smaller bombs have already gone off and the panic is starting to die down. Most of their people, if not all, have most likely already gotten out, so they only do a very brief floor scan before following their crew out of the building.

Just as planned, Peter is parked in a back alley nearby waiting for them. Lily drags Sirius into the back seat of the dark SUV after her, and before he’s even shut the door Peter is peeling away with a screech of tires on asphalt.

“Fuck, guys; I thought I was gonna have to leave you there for a minute. What the hell took you so long?” Peter questions over his shoulder, barely paying attention to the road in front of him.

“Sirius was being an idiot,” Lily replies, tucking her head into Sirius’s neck despite her words. He smiles fondly down at her and wraps an arm around her shoulders to pull her in closer.

Peter laughs. “What else is new?”

Sirius protests half-heartedly, but silences himself when Lily pinches him on the thigh. “You know it’s true,” She maintains, shooting him a jokingly reproachful glare.

Sirius just shrugs. “There’s a difference between being an idiot and dedicated, you know.”

“Not with you,” Peter and Lily retort at the same time. Sirius snorts, and the other two dissolve into laughter.

\--

When they arrive back to base half an hour later, Lily can tell just from the atmosphere that Father already knows exactly what happened. Sirius’s eyes meet hers over Peter’s head as the three make their way down the dingy corridors. He mouths, “Fuck me,” at her, to which she rolls her eyes and tilts her head back as if to say, “What’re you gonna do?”

Peter breaks away at some point (to head toward the mess hall, most likely) and the twins carry on toward the centre of the monstrous building, where their father waits in his office for them. Lily is sure they’re in for quite the punishment, but she doesn’t care probably half as much as she should. She’ll even take full responsibility for the mistake because Father is always easier on her than Sirius; she’s the one who pulled Sirius away from the bomb before it was activated, after all. It doesn’t matter; all that matters is that instead of being turned into bloody bits strewn across an old warehouse Sirius is still alive and breathing beside her, even if it’s a quick and shallow breathing that’s harsh with anxiety.

“It’s going to be okay,” She murmurs as they turn the corner into the corridor where their father’s office door is somehow illuminated in the shadows at the very end. She touches his arm for a moment before sliding her hand down to his and giving it a quick squeeze, then lets go. “Just let me do the talking. It was all my fault, anyway.”

Sirius stops to look at her, shaking his head in predictable objection, but before he can utter a word of protest Lily’s made it to the end of the hall and pushes open the door to their father’s office without so much as a knock. Sirius really had no choice but to hurry in after her.

\--

“--A complete and abysmal failure--” Their father drones on, and Sirius tunes out again just as quickly as he’d tuned in. Father’s been going on for almost an hour at this point, and now that he’s gotten past the worst of it Sirius is really getting quite bored. He stares down at his scuffed black boots for a minute, rereading for the millionth time the faded silver scrawl that declares “Lily loves Siri” on the inner arch of his left foot. He’d originally been furious at Lily for drunkenly vandalising his favourite boots at the time, claiming it would ruin his image, but the writing has ended up becoming a source of reassurance for him during various raids and missions and tongue lashings from their father, so in the end he’s only grateful. He casts a glance at her, and while it appears that she’s paying attention and watching their father’s face with rapt obedience, her right hand is dangling down by her side out of their father’s view behind the desk, and she’s signing rapidly to Sirius. After a moment he realises she’s repeating, “Fuck this, fuck this, fuck this,” and barely manages to suppress a snort.

Their father, who knows everything and misses nothing, shoots him a sharp look. Sirius bites his lip and sort of regrets the fact that he was ever even born. “Something funny, boy?”

“No, Sir,” Sirius mumbles, trying and failing to meet his eyes. He doesn’t know how Lily does it, but it’s probably one of the reasons that their father favours her so obviously. Well, and the fact that he thinks that Sirius is an irresponsible child, among other things. But then, Lily’s just much better at hiding her transgressions. It’s beyond Sirius how anyone manages to hide anything from the man, so he’s got to give her credit.

“For once you’re right, although I wager that it was just a lucky guess. If you had been paying attention like your sister you’d know that a demotion is nothing to be laughing about,” His father snaps, and the instant his words process in Sirius’s head, he’s on his feet.

“A demotion?!” He practically yells. His father’s eyes are shining ominously, warning him not to do or say anything he might regret, but as usual Sirius throws caution to the wind. “We’re in charge of the entire field team, what the fuck are you talking about?”

Father’s eyebrows are both arched dangerously, casting him with a cool look of disregard and silently asking at the same time if he’s quite finished with his tantrum yet. Sirius grits his teeth and scowls at the floor, throwing himself back into his seat. He feels Lily’s hand in his, feels her sign the words, “I’m sorry,” against his palm. He just holds her hand tightly and squeezes.

“As I was saying, while you were quite obviously lost in juvenile daydreams,” Father continues as if Sirius had never spoken, “You will be demoted for the time being to simple grunt work, as it is obvious that you are both in need of a refresher course on following orders. Therefore, Severus will be heading the team for now, and I expect to receive nothing but glowing reports from him as to your progress. If you two can manage to somehow prove yourselves worthy of holding any kind of authority you will have the chance to be given leadership back. If not, you may either continue to work under Severus, or you can leave the family business altogether. At this point, I really don’t care. You continue to disappoint me, Sirius, and I won’t allow your sister to clean up and conceal your fuck ups in a misplaced show of loyalty for the rest of her life. You can continue to be a failure if you choose, but you may not drag your sister down with you.”

Lily inhales sharply, nostrils flaring, and she straightens up in her chair and opens her mouth. But Father just holds up a hand to silence her, and no matter how strong she is, she’s still too scared of him to defy him so openly, so she snaps her mouth shut and sits back in her chair, shooting an apologetic look at Sirius.

“That’s all,” Their father sighs, making it clear with his tone that he’s grown tired of dealing with his children and no longer wishes for them to be in his presence. They both accept his uncaring dismissal with poorly disguised eagerness and scramble out of their chairs to practically hurl themselves out the door and into the hallway once more.

\--

“This is such bullshit!” Sirius explodes as soon as they’ve left the building. Lily’s arm is tucked in the crook of his elbow in order to lead him as far away from headquarters as possible. “I can’t fucking believe this! It’s not our fault the fucking bomb wouldn’t go off; we’re not the ones who made it!”

Lily prods him sharply in the side. “Inside voice, dear,” she hisses under her breath, and he casts a quick glance around them to make sure there’s nobody within earshot. There’s no one else in view as far as he can see, but he knows as well as Lily does that just because you can’t see someone doesn’t mean they can’t hear you.

“Sorry,” he replies in a softer voice. “Fuck, I’m sorry. This is all my fault. I’m going to talk to Father after the meeting tomorrow and insist that he give you your position back. You don’t deserve this. He was right, I can’t keep dragging you down with me.”

Lily pulls him to a stop, only to throw a surprisingly hard punch to his shoulder. “How many times have I told you not to buy into his shit?” She snaps, glaring daggers at him and making him fear slightly that another punch might be in his future. “You’re not dragging me down, you’re not a burden to me, and no matter what you do I’m always going to have your back. You’re my partner and I’m certainly not going to leave you behind to work with  _ Severus _ . He’s a slimy jackass and I’d honestly rather have sex with a cactus than spend a moment of my time alone in his presence. You know Father is just trying to create a divide between us because he can’t stand that I love you more than him. You were right earlier; it wasn’t your fault or mine that the bomb didn’t go off. He knows it too. He’s just using this as an opportunity to put you down. So don’t let him get to you. Don’t let him win.”

Sirius gives her a melancholy half smile. “I know, Lils. Objectively, I know. It’s just hard to be objective when he’s in my face telling me how much of a fucking disappointment I am.”

Lily pulls him into a hug, burying her face in his shoulder and squeezing him tight. “Well just so you know, you could never disappoint me. And for the record, he’s impossible to please. The only reason he doesn’t express his disappointment in me so vehemently is because then he’d have no one to pit you against. He may be a good leader, but he’s not a good father. He should be proud of you like I’m proud of you.”

Sirius huffs a breath into her hair and rubs a hand over her back for a moment before pulling away. “I love you, Lily. Now let’s go to the pub. I need a fucking drink.”

Lily lets out a laugh that sounds much more light-hearted than either of them are feeling. She slips her arm back into his. “You just lead the way, Brother,” She says, and they carry on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter James, stage left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I'd update once a week, but what can I say? I'm impatient.

**Chapter Two**

_ “I can't stop itching over thoughts of tarnished hope _

_ Kind of funny lonely feeling _

_ I'm not in love _

_ You know it's not love _

_ Don't make it look so pretty burning” _

 

Three days later, Sirius finds himself sitting on an incredibly uncomfortable chair in the conference room next door to his father’s office, with Lily to his left and Father himself heading the table. On one side is his right hand man, Tom, and on the other is Bellatrix, and even Sirius and Lily aren’t quite sure what it is she does besides torture both prisoners and fellow gang members alike with a sick sort of glee. Sirius can sense Lily shrinking away from the other woman’s gaze, so he tucks her under his arm and shoots a glare at Bellatrix, despite her maniacal grin at him and his own fears about her. She’s a raving lunatic, and only Father and Tom know how to control her. Everyone else just gives her a very wide berth.

All of the key members of the gang are also gathered in the room, and everyone is conversing quietly amongst themselves while they wait for Father to start the meeting, but as soon as he stands up everyone immediately silences. “Thank you,” he says to the group, and Sirius struggles not to roll his eyes. In the semi-public eye their father is always the picture of dignified propriety, but behind closed doors he’s anything but. Only a few other members know what a cruel sadist he can be.

“As you all can infer, I’ve called this meeting today to address the current situation with the East End Libertines, as it stands.” He sends a look down the table at Sirius and Lily. Lily bows her head in shame, but for once Sirius is the one who maintains eye contact. After a heavy pause Father finally continues. “Obviously, our mission last week to destroy their supply warehouse did not go exactly as planned. While a significant amount of damage was done, our primary explosive was not detonated properly, and unfortunately they were able to reclaim what I would guess to be about half of their product.”

He pauses again, and a murmur of discussion creeps around the room. No one had really known the exact outcome of the raid, but the original goal had been to cut them off from their stock completely. The fact that they still have half of it is a huge blow. It seems that Father is the only one fully aware of the twins’ role in the raid, and while Sirius is thankful that no one else (Bellatrix in particular) will be able to use this fact against them, it also gives Father all that much more power over them. Father uses secrets as his deadliest weapon.

Father holds up a hand, and once more the room quiets. “We did, however, have a stroke of good fortune later in the night after the mission was carried out. I had Bellatrix keeping eyes on the warehouse for me to see when the Libertines would come to account for any surviving product, and she was able to capture who we believe to be their primary solicitor, who foolishly arrived at the scene alone and unarmed. We’ve been holding him to gain more information about their inner workings and such. So far he’s been rather quiet. I have not, however, exhausted my resources quite yet as to what will make him talk. Therefore, I would like to announce that due to their performance in the mission, Lily and Sirius will be taking over his interrogation.”

Once again, the large room fills with chatter. The assignment is disguised as an honour, and Lily and Sirius both know that’s exactly how their father has intended it. He prefers to keep them as shining trophies in his display case, and it would not do to have others think that he’s disciplining them as disappointments. But to the few who have ever interrogated a stubborn hostage, the punishment is apparent. So that leaves Tom, Bellatrix, and Severus to sneer at them with pleasure, while from the rest they receive hushed congratulations and pats on the back from those near enough to reach.

Sirius glances at Lily to find her gazing back, eyes wide with slight trepidation. They’ve never interrogated a prisoner before, and their assignment to him can only mean that Father has deemed him a wasted effort but isn’t ready to let Bellatrix have her way with him quite yet. Sirius raises an eyebrow at her. “Fuck him, we can prove him wrong,” he signs into her hand beneath the table. She quirks her lips in a half smile back at him.

Father continues the meeting after another moment, and Sirius tunes him out as he always does in these meetings. Father won’t address him and Lily again; his usual method is to go around the room and dole out assignments from the most important members and jobs to the least important, and he and Lily always rank most important no matter how disappointed he may be in them. The most important to his image, that is. He would never allow his offspring to be viewed by others as the weak links in the chain, despite his own personal feelings on the subject.

While they wait to be dismissed, he and Lily take turns signing dirty jokes to each other beneath the table. They’ve both heard them all before, but it’s been tradition ever since they were old enough to understand what exactly a blow job was, thanks to a colourful description courtesy of their cousin Narcissa’s husband after too much wine at Thanksgiving dinner one year. Finally, after the painfully long explanation of an assignment to a particularly dim member who’s really only included due to nepotism, Father dismisses them, but not before he gives Lily and Sirius a look that clearly indicates that they are expected to remain in their seats while everyone else slowly filters out of the room.

Once everyone but Father, Tom, Bellatrix, and Severus (who Sirius and Lily privately refer to as the Core Four) have left, Father gazes down the long table at them, fingers steepled together in front of him. “As you know,” he begins, “I have given you the riveting task of trying to break our prisoner.”

Sirius scoffs quietly. Father always feels the need to talk down to them, as if they haven’t just sat through the same hour long meeting that he’d just led.

Father gives him a look at that, and he bows his head, keeping his eyes trained in his lap afterward. “Moving right along,” Father continues, gaze now resting on the ceiling as if he can no longer bear the sight of them. “I’d like now to take the two of you down to the holding cells so that you may get acquainted with our guest. Assuming, of course, that you don’t have any more raids to hijack with your carelessness right now?”

Lily flushes with embarrassment, and Sirius clenches his jaw tightly, already anticipating a headache coming on from the tension. “Of course not, Father,” he grits out, grabbing Lily’s hand to keep himself grounded. “By all means, lead the way.”

Father rises from his seat, and the rest of the Core Four are quick to follow. Bellatrix, Father’s self appointed security, heads off the group, and they make their way out of the conference room with Lily and Sirius trailing in their wake.

\--

The trek to the holding cells is quick, and when they enter they find Peter standing guard outside the prisoner’s door, lounging lazily on a chair with his nose buried in a book. Father clears his throat, and the young man instantly snaps to attention, the tips of his ears turning a bright pink from being caught out at not maintaining constant vigilance. “Evening, Sir,” Peter greets their father. “Lily, Sirius, good to see you. Are you all going in to talk to the hostage?”

Father glances at Peter disinterestedly before moving to the small window in the cell door. “No, I don’t think a full party interrogation is necessary at this time.” He turns to look at the group behind him. “Tom, Severus, you may proceed to your duties. Bellatrix, you may wait for me out here with Peter for a moment while I make the introductions. Twins, you will accompany me into the cell.”

Father gestures for Peter to unlock the door, and he hurries to follow orders. Tom and Severus head back down the stairs after giving Sirius and Lily smug looks, and Bellatrix forgoes the now vacant chair in order to lean against the wall opposite the door in a huff. She hates not being included in anything Father does, and Sirius does not envy Peter one bit for having to remain out in the corridor with her, especially now that one of her moods is starting to brew.

Once the door is open Father sweeps in, not even looking back at his children to make sure they follow. He doesn’t have to. It’s not exactly possible to disobey his orders. Lily is right on his heels, eager despite herself to have a go at this prisoner and garner information from him while everyone else has failed. Sirius brings up the rear, wishing idly that he could go home and take a very long nap.

There’s not a lot in the cell. In the back corner a thin mattress sits on the dirty floor, furnished only with a ragged brown blanket, and in another corner is a dingy metal toilet. Other than that, the only thing in the room is a young man sitting sideways on the bed, back against the wall and feet hanging over the edge of the mattress. He looks up as they enter, and Sirius takes note of the cool defiance shining in his eyes. He looks to be just a few years older than he and Lily are, but around the edges of his eyes there are lines that speak of a whole extra lifetime lived in his seemingly twenty five years or so.

Sirius feels Lily bristle beside him, and he looks at her quizzically. She’s glaring at the man, eyes narrowed into dangerous slits. He elbows her, and she turns to look at him, eyes widening slightly as she instantly adopts an expression of innocence. Unfortunately for her, he knows her better than that. “What is it?” He mouths at her, but she just shakes her head before jerking her chin up to indicate to their father. He lets it lie for now, but they both know that they’ll be resuming this conversation at a later date.

Father, meanwhile, has stopped in the middle of the room, and now turns to his children, gesturing almost lazily at the man sitting on the mattress. “Twins, this is James. He’s been assisting the Libertines with distribution for nearly five years now. James, these are my children, Lily and Sirius. They will be taking over your case. Please feel free to divulge any information to them that you may seem fit. Lily may look like a sweet young lady, but she will disembowel you if you disrespect her, and Sirius is just as prone to recklessness as he looks. If I were you I’d do my best to be especially accommodating. There is a reason they were specifically selected for your case, after all.”

Sirius rolls his eyes when his father isn’t looking, and he notices James resisting the urge to mirror his expression. His father’s displays of propriety while they are literally standing in a room with a prisoner is astonishing, as if they’re all here for a friendly chat instead of a hostage interrogation. James may be a prisoner and an enemy, but Sirius can appreciate that he finds the whole facade just as ridiculous as Sirius does.

“Now that introductions have been made,” Father continues, “I believe I’ll take my leave. Children, do let me know if young James isn’t quite as helpful as I know he can be.” With that, he makes his exit, his long jacket flicking the edge of the doorway with a sharp sound as he departs.

Lily looks at him again, turning her back to the man on the bed. “Good cop, bad cop?” She signs to him in front of her stomach, making sure that James doesn’t catch the exchange. Sirius nods. “You be good cop, I’ll be bad cop,” She adds, flashing him a smirk. It’s not often that Lily wants to play the bad cop, so Sirius is further intrigued by her peculiar reaction to this man. He nods again, and together they turn to face him.

“I know you’re twins and all, but were you two just having a telepathic conversation or something?” James asks, finally rising from his almost lifeless slump against the wall to lean forward, resting his elbows on his now propped up knees and gazing toward them with a look of interest in his bright hazel eyes.

Sirius laughs. “We’re pretty good, but not quite that good, I’m afraid. We use sign language to communicate privately.”

Lily remains silent, just shoots James a glare, before moving toward the door. She opens it just a crack to call out for Peter, and when he replies she asks him to bring in chairs for them. Peter asks if they want one for James as well, and Lily scoffs without giving a real answer. After a few seconds Lily is pulling two folded metal chairs in through the crack in the door, and they take a moment to set them up and make themselves somewhat comfortable on them before turning back to James, whose eyes are watching Lily intently and are alight with curiosity.

“The fuck you looking at?” She finally snaps at him, arms folding over her chest and meeting his gaze with a sharp glare of her own. “If you want to keep those eyes I suggest you direct your lecherous stare somewhere else immediately.”

James, despite the threat, quirks a brow in amusement, and looks back to Sirius, who side eyes Lily a bit. Maybe he should’ve made her be good cop after all. “So anyway,” Sirius finally says, giving James a look with which he tries to convey that he doesn’t know what Lily’s problem is either. “I suppose we should just get right to it. James, if there’s anything you can tell us about where your gang is getting their supplies, or how they’re distributing them, we would really appreciate it.”

James chuckles, turning sideways to flop down onto his back on the mattress. He closes his eyes, a smug grin still affixed to his lips. “Are you really going to play good cop, bad cop with me? Come on now, they’ve been trying to break me for days. Even that batshit woman with the hair had a go at me. She honest to god tried to water board me. You really think the oldest trick in the book is going to work?”

Lily hisses quietly through her teeth, and Sirius can see her nostrils flaring in anger. He taps her foot with his to catch her attention, and while James’s eyes are still closed he signs to her to go outside with Peter and cool off for a minute. She can tell it’s not a request, and he makes demands of her so infrequently that she’s too surprised to do anything but oblige.

James opens his eyes once more when he hears the door, and Sirius catches his gaze as it darts back to him, still sitting in his chair. “Truth be told,” Sirius leans toward him conspiratorially, “I thought we were just playing good cop, bad cop too. I don’t know what it is about you, but you somehow seem to have pissed her off royally.”

James smirks again, eyes closing once more as his bright teeth flash in the shadowy room. “I’ll let you in on a secret, Dogstar,” he replies, and Sirius is too amused at the nickname to feel insulted. “Me and Lils go way back. We hooked up last year at a college party. She’s hated me ever since, and while she likes to tell me it’s because I’m a cocky ass, I think she’s just mad I didn’t call her the next day.”

Sirius feels his eyebrows shoot up so far his forehead they’re nearly to his hairline. “Come again?” Is all he can say.

James finally sits up again to look at him, eyes suddenly more sombre than Sirius had seen them so far. “Between you and me, bud, I’ve been half in love with her for ages. I just didn’t want to come off as too eager.”

Sirius runs his hands through his hair and stares up at the ceiling, trying to wrap his head around this wealth of information. This was not at all what he imagined he would be learning when Father assigned them to conducting this interrogation. As far as he knew prior to this conversation, Lily had never so much as looked at a man (or woman, for that matter) with any interest. He knew objectively that she was just as human as the rest of the world, and surely had to have some sort of carnal desire buried somewhere beneath her hardened exterior, but he had yet to see any concrete evidence of that. So to have this random boy - no, not quite random; a member from a rival gang, in fact - sitting here telling Sirius that he had hooked up with his sister, in such a casual and unconcerned demeanour, was, to say the least, a bit of a shock.

“You know,” Sirius states finally, fingers raking through his dark hair one more time, “I’m really not sure what to do with this information.”

James chuckles. “You’re not very good at this whole interrogation business, are you?”

“To be fair, this was not the designated topic of conversation,” Sirius retorts, kicking his feet up to prop them on the mattress. “You do realise you kind of just dropped a bomb on me, right?”

“To be fair,” James teases, “You all did start it with the bombs.”

Sirius winces a bit. “Okay, when you’re right you’re right. Either way, can we please switch to a topic I’m more comfortable with than my sister’s sex life? I’m having a hard time keeping my lunch down now, and I’m pretty sure you’re not the one who’s supposed to be conducting torture experiments. We generally leave that to Bellatrix around here.”

James laughs. “The batshit woman with the hair, right?”

“That’s the one,” Sirius grimaces. “Sorry to hear that you’ve had the misfortune of meeting her, by the way.”

James chuckles again. “No worries. I’ve met worse, if you can believe it. And for the record, you’re doing an excellent job as good cop.”

Sirius sighs somewhat melodramatically, picking at a loose thread in the hem of his sleeve. “Truthfully, our father just assigned us to you to punish us for fucking up the raid. He doesn’t expect us to get anything out of you, so I figure there’s not much point in trying. Lily’s the one who has the whole ‘prove them wrong’ complex. I’m kind of at the point where I know I’m always going to be a fuck up to him. If it wasn’t for Lily I would’ve left ages ago, to be honest.”

“I know the feeling,” James replies, and his seemingly ever present grin dims. “Honestly, I’m not even actually an official member of the Libertines. They’ve been blackmailing me for years to deal their drugs out of the bookshop I own with my brother. The only reason I do anything for them is to keep my brother safe. I tried to talk him into moving but the shop’s been in our family for generations and he won’t be swayed, and there’s no way I can tell him that one of the biggest gangs in London has been breathing down my neck. It’s just my fucking luck that my bookshop apparently stands at the exact halfway point between their headquarters and their supply warehouse. That’s why I was the first one on the scene after the raid; I was the closest one to it and they didn’t want to risk losing anyone important if there was a second attack planned. Fortunately for them, their precaution was warranted. And thus, here I am.”

Sirius is watching James with poorly guarded interest. Whether the man is aware of how much information he’s just given up, Sirius doesn’t know. And even though in another life he could see them being very good friends, no one has been able to get much more than a word out of him so far. He isn’t exactly scrambling over himself to share the information with the higher ups, but he certainly is planning to tell Lily everything and see what they can do with this freshly acquired knowledge. That, combined with whatever Lily might already know about James from their apparent past encounters, should be able to at least get them to this bookstore. Sirius certainly doesn’t have plans to get James’s brother involved, because he sympathises all too strongly with the man’s plight to keep his sibling safe, but regardless of the unaware brother, surely there has to be more information to be gleaned from the location.

James stares back at Sirius, and Sirius can tell from the look in his eyes that it’s starting to dawn on him what exactly he’s just let slip. Before the other man can say a word Sirius is on his feet and extending a hand to him. “I give my word on my sister’s life that I will do my best to keep your brother safe. The rest of the people here may be scum, and the Libs may be scum, but on my honour, I won’t do or say anything that may put him in jeopardy. I could only hope that if I was ever in your position, someone could make me the same promise for Lily’s safety, and despite anything else, I refuse to be a hypocrite.”

James assesses Sirius for a moment, looks him up and down. Finally, he clasps Sirius’s hand in his own. “I guess I don’t have any other choice but to trust you,” He says slowly, “but I’m hoping that for once my big mouth didn’t fuck me over in front of the wrong person.”

Sirius grins. “For once it hasn’t. Just don’t go blabbing to anyone else. I’m keeping everything you’ve shared with me between the two of us. Well, us and Lily, but that’s basically the same thing. Twin telepathy and all that, you know?”

James laughs, the unnaturally serious expression on his face finally fading. “You know what, Sirius? I like you. One day when this is all over and - God willing - Lily and I are married and have ourselves a couple of kids, maybe you and I can be friends. Assuming of course that your word is good.”

Sirius shakes his head with a chuckle. “It is, I assure you. And James? I look forward to that day.”

\--

Once Sirius finally exits the holding cell he finds Lily lounging against the wall in what was once Peter’s chair, a dark and brooding look on her face. Peter is leaning against the wall opposite, quite obviously unsure of what exactly he’s supposed to be doing now that someone else is in the guard’s chair but he has yet to be dismissed. Sirius feels bad for being unable to send him on his way, but he needs to talk with Lily privately, so with a hand in the crook of her elbow he hauls her to her feet and begins to tug her down the hallway, shooting an apologetic look over his shoulder at Peter.

He waits until they’re outside in the bright afternoon sunlight, a calm breeze rustling through their hair, before he pulls her into an alley off the main road and comes to a stop. Turning to her, he tries to put on his best, ‘I already know everything you’re trying to hide from me’ face before he utters simply, “Explain.”

Lily’s face instantly flushes beet red. “I just didn’t like the vibe I was getting from that guy. He seemed too smug, considering his situation.”

Sirius snorts. “Like a cocky ass, would you say?”

Lily freezes. “So what exactly did he tell you?” She asks, no longer meeting her brother’s gaze, nervously digging at a hole in the ground with the toe of one of her sneakers.

“What exactly is there to tell?” Sirius counters, folding his arms across his chest and reclining against the dirty brick wall beside them. Lily should know better by now than to play this game with him; the one where she figures out precisely what he knows before she chooses to share the barest minimum with him, based on information he already knows. It’s a good strategy, but it hasn’t worked on him in quite some time.

“I’m sure he told you how we met, at least,” Lily finally answers after a minute of her anxious digging. She glances up at him with timid eyes. “He did, didn’t he?”

“Not exactly, but please enlighten me,” Sirius replies, keeping his tone casual. Two can play the digging for information game.

With a frown, Lily leans next to him on the wall and sighs. “Okay. Well you remember last winter when Father and I had gotten into that big fight and I took some time off and ended up working at that coffee shop on the uni campus?” Sirius nods but stays quiet, prompting her to continue. “Well he and his friends came in one day and invited me to a Christmas party they were throwing that night and they seemed okay at the time so I agreed. And some shit happened at the party and he’s been stalking me ever since.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Nice attempt at a gloss over, but I’m going to need you to reverse and try a little more detail. What shit, exactly, happened? And how is he stalking you? I’ve never seen him before. If he was stalking you I would definitely have noticed him before now.”

Lily grimaces. “Okay, maybe stalking is a strong word for it. Harassing, maybe. Basically he came into the coffee shop almost every day after the party and kept asking me to hang out or go out with him and after I left he started blowing up my phone. He still texts me sometimes, actually. I ignore him for the most part.”

She snaps her mouth shut firmly, like that was the conclusion of the story and she didn’t completely side step the first question. Sirius turns toward her, shoulder holding him up against the wall. “Nice try. Don’t think I didn’t notice how you conveniently neglected to mention the fact that you slept with him.”

Lily swears vehemently and pulls away from the wall to aim a vicious kick toward it. This leads to more cursing, and Sirius is genuinely surprised by how quickly their general roles of hothead and calm inquisitor have reversed. “I’m going to strangle that fucking weasel,” Lily’s muttering to herself, face now buried in her hands. “I fucking hate him.”

Sirius decides it’s now an appropriate time to reveal some more of what he knows. “He thinks you’re upset because he didn’t call you the next day.”

Lily lets out a string of curses that are so foul that Sirius is astonished they didn’t come out of his own mouth. “What the fuck is his problem? I swear to God. I was upset with myself because I didn’t mean to sleep with him and it was a huge mistake fueled by alcohol that he to this day refuses to let go. I couldn’t care less if he called the next day or the next week or a million times after. He’s a self absorbed jackass and I only ever give him the time of day to tell him to fuck off.”

Sirius just raises an eyebrow and gives her a look. He knows there’s more to the story than that. Unfortunately for now Lily holds the upper hand, since James didn’t go into much more detail than the single fact of their sleeping together. “You’re way too defensive about some guy that you hooked up with. I know there’s something you’re not telling me.”

“It’s none of your goddamn business!” Lily snaps at him, before he face instantly falls, and she’s grabbing his hands in hers. “Fuck, Siri, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“It’s fine,” Sirius replies, unperturbed. Breaking Lily’s walls down is an artform, and he was prepared before this conversation even started for her to lash out at him. “Just tell me, Lil.”

She takes a deep breath to calm herself. “Okay, so maybe I did like him a little bit,” She practically whispers after a moment of quiet. “Just a little. He was very charming and sweet without being an ass kisser, and I liked that his attention was only on me, even though every other girl at that party clearly had their eyes on him. But it doesn’t matter. Because when I was leaving, another girl pulled me aside and told me he was already dating someone. That they lived together and everything. So it doesn’t matter how I felt about him. Because he was stepping out on some other poor, naive girl, and neither of us knew until it was too late.”

This time it’s Sirius’s turn to swear, just a murmur of words under his breath as he pulls his sister into a tight embrace. “I could always castrate him with a spoon for you if you’d like,” He suggests in her ear as she buries her face into his neck, trying to make her laugh despite the sombre mood that’s hanging over them. His joke works, and even though her chuckle is a little watery, he’ll take it. “Well, fuck him anyway. Homeboy ended up letting a thing or two slip while we were talking, and I think we’ll be able to use it to our advantage. Want to take a little field trip?”

Lily pulls away, face lighting up. “Absolutely, I do.”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I've dragged this story with me through 3 different fandoms; when I first conceived the idea it was going to be a My Chemical Romance fic. I won't even mention the other fandom I was going to use it for. Dear God. It's come a long way.
> 
> I also forgot to give a shout out on the first chapter to my youngest sister; thanks for letting me read every chapter to you as I wrote it and for letting me bounce my ideas off you because I don't know if I ever would have finished this story if it weren't for you <3
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius takes a trip to the book shop. Remus exists. Hope you're emotionally prepared for the worst chat up lines of your life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna update once a week my ass. Enjoy!

**Chapter Three**

_ “In your eyes I lost my place _

_ Could stay a while _

_ And I'm melting in your eyes _

_ Like my first time that I caught fire” _

They’ve been waiting outside the bookstore for over an hour now. What they’re waiting for, exactly, Sirius isn’t sure. Either way, they’re sitting at an outdoor table at the cafe across the street, mechanically drinking coffee in a show of normalcy to attempt to make it less apparent that they’re watching the bookstore with sharp eyes. Lily’s mostly given up on her coffee, opting instead to do several tiny braids in her long red hair, so Sirius does his best to keep a flow of steady conversation going to try to conceal her obvious boredom.

“Okay, to be quite honest, when you said field trip I imagined something much more exciting than this,” Lily finally speaks up, just as Sirius is about to give up and suggest they go home. He doesn’t know why he suggested this. It’s obvious that Lily can’t be a part of this situation without being biased, as evidenced by her inability to even be in the same room with James without practically biting his head off. Therefore, when they arrived at the bookstore earlier, Sirius had suggested they just scope out the front without actually going inside to see if anyone they know from the Libs makes an appearance. He still plans to come back later to actually go into the bookstore and see if he can get any information out of James’s brother, but for now all he wants is to get Lily out of the picture without making it obvious to her that he’s trying to operate without her. They always do everything together, and he knows that she would be hurt if she found out that he was trying to work without her.

“In all fairness, I also expected this field trip to be more exciting,” Sirius quips back, shooting Lily a vaguely apologetic smile and taking a sip of coffee. “You can leave if you want; I don’t think we’re going to see anything interesting today. I’m thinking about questioning James some more later to see if there’s anything else I can trick him into talking about.”

Lily eyes him suspiciously. “Are you planning to stay here?”

Sirius gives her a smirk and uses his eyes to gesture to the waitress that they can see through the front windows of the cafe they’re sitting in front of. “Yeah, for a bit; I have my eye on something inside that looks quite appealing.”

Lily snorts and rolls her eyes. “You’re such a pig sometimes, Siri. Sometimes I think you’re overcompensating.”

Sirius feels a chill flood through his body, and he straightens up, face sobering. “And I’ve already told you that you’re wrong about that,” He retorts icily.

Lily frowns at him. “And I’ve already told you that it doesn’t matter and I’ll love you no matter what, you dunce. But if you want to continue this charade to prove something to no one but yourself, that’s your business.” With that she stands up, slinging her bag over one of her shoulders. “Have fun with your little show,” She mocks with a roll of her eyes. “See you at home.”

Sirius grumbles angrily to himself as he watches her walk away. For some reason Lily has convinced herself that he’s not actually interested in women, and instead is inclined to more...well, masculine types. The idea is ridiculous, no matter how his eight year old self had professed to feel about Leonardo DiCaprio a thousand years ago. She’s told him repeatedly that he’s in denial and is suffering from internalised homophobia due to their father’s overbearing opinions on what it is to be a man, or something like that, but Sirius insists that she’s wrong. He thinks women are lovely, and has never bothered to look at another man in such a way. Either way, it’s not like he’s spent a lot of time thinking about sex at all; his line of work and the fact that he spends just about every waking moment with his sister tends to put a damper on such things.

With a huff, Sirius finally hauls himself out of his chair and tosses his now empty cup of coffee into the nearby trash can before making his way across the street toward the bookshop. Lily may have been right about him not genuinely being interested in the waitress, but her reasoning was incorrect. Sirius is mostly just pleased that she was so distracted by her conspiracy theories that she didn’t have the sense to realise what he’s actually up to.

Sirius pushes open the door to the bookshop. A bell tinkles softly above him, and Sirius notes offhandedly that it’s a nice, gentle tinkle, rather than the raucous clanging of most shop bells. He looks around as he shuts the door behind him, taking in the interior of the bookshop. The lighting is soft and warm, despite the glaring sunlight that he’s just left behind outside, even though there are two large windows set in the front wall on either side of the door. The bookshelves that fill most of the room are crowded tightly together, and reach higher up to the ceiling than Sirius can reach with his hands. Near the window on the right side is a small sitting area, with a few sun-faded, comfortable looking armchairs gathered together amongst a smattering of floor lamps. In the space behind the reading area Sirius can see a counter, behind which a man is sitting, head bowed over the thick book lying on the counter in front of him. Sirius wonders if the man even looked up at the sound of the bell, or if he’s too deeply ensnared in whatever it is that he’s reading to have noticed. He smiles somewhat fondly, and begins to make his way over to the man, at the same time that he realises idly that he’s not even sure what he could say to this man to get any kind of information about a drug dealing business that he supposedly knows nothing about. He’s not too concerned; he’s always done his best work when given only the loosest of structures, and he looks forward to just winging it.

“Hello,” He finally speaks up as he approaches the man. “I was wondering if you could help me find some books?”

“Well, that is my job,” The man jokes, then pulls himself away from whatever it is that he’s reading to look up and meet Sirius’s gaze. And as soon as their eyes meet, Sirius’s stomach drops at the same time that his heart leaps up into his throat, and his tongue feels too thick to be able to utter words around it. It hits him in a foggy, dreamlike way, as he gapes at this stranger, that maybe Lily’s conspiracy theories aren’t quite so far-fetched. Because this man is possibly the most attractive, captivating person he’s ever laid his eyes on, and his mind is suddenly a complete blank as to what he can possibly even say to him without his words coming out in a stuttering, foolish mess.

The man is still looking at Sirius, and he realises with a lurch that he’s got to say something soon. So he blurts out the very first thing that crosses his mind, which happens to be, “Nice, uh… nice shop. It’s very cozy. You’ve got lots of books.”

The man laughs. “I should hope so,” He teases gently, “This is a bookshop, after all. What sort of books are you looking for? I’d be happy to help.”

Sirius winces slightly. He hadn’t thought of that either, and now he’s internally beating himself up for being so smug about his ability to make things up on the fly. He is nothing and his mind is a total blank. “Cats,” He finally pulls out of thin air. “I’m thinking about getting a cat and I want to read up on them first.”

The man smiles. “Follow me,” He instructs, making his way out from behind the counter and jerking his head toward the back of the store to prompt Sirius in the right direction. Sirius can’t help but notice, as he follows behind the man, the elegant line of his neck, the strong shoulders hidden under a brown cardigan, the soft curve of his bum beneath dark jeans. He shakes his head sharply to pull himself together and opts, instead, to stare at the back of the man’s head as they walk. This isn’t much better, as Sirius now notices the way his tawny hair curls around his ears and at the nape of his neck, and he gives himself a stern, internal warning to pull himself together. He needs to figure out a way to get more information about James and the Libs’ drug business, and he finally realises that James is his ticket in.

The man has stopped at a shelf near the back of the shop and has begun to pull different books out to pile into Sirius’s arms when Sirius finally speaks up. “A friend of mine recommended this place, you know. Said she knew the owner. Are you the owner? Do you know a Lily? Bright red hair, super intense green eyes?”

Remus glances at him curiously. “We haven’t met in person, but I’ve heard a lot about her,” He replies, taking a break in his book stacking. “My brother James is the owner she knows. Did she say anything else about him?”

Sirius shakes his head. “No, just that she knows this guy who owns a bookstore with his brother. You must be the brother, then?”

The man smiles, and Sirius notes the hint of sadness hidden around the edges. He must be really worried about his brother. Sirius feels a pang of sympathy for the other man. He knows if Lily was missing he’d be a wreck, and he internally commends the man on his ability to continue to work under such stress. He definitely wouldn’t be able to. “That’s me,” The man says in answer to his question. “I’m Remus. So how do you know Lily, if you don’t mind me asking?”

It seems that Sirius’s ability to think on the fly has suddenly made a reappearance, and for that he’s grateful. “We met in grade school,” He responds with as much off-handedness as he can muster. “We’ve been friends for so long she’s basically my sister at this point.”

Remus’s smile becomes more genuine at this. “Oh good. I was worried you were going to say that you’re her boyfriend and then I would have to break my poor brother’s heart with the information.”

Sirius snorts out a laugh, not even having the heart to feel embarrassed about the sound. “Good god, no. Definitely just my sister. But I didn’t realise James was quite so interested. To hear her tell it, he’s just pursuing her for the sake of the challenge.”

Remus laughs and shakes his head. “James is all bravado,” He explains, now taking the time to sort through the books that are overflowing from Sirius’s arms and putting some back here and there as he flips through them and decides which were necessary for the hypothetical cat acquiring research. “He likes to show off and act like an arrogant tosser because he thinks for some reason that it’s attractive to women. He really likes Lily though. He just doesn’t know how to act like an adult around her. It’s like pigtail pulling. Honestly, it’s embarrassing to watch.”

Sirius smirks. “And you know a lot about that, do you? Impressing women, that is. I can imagine you get a lot of middle aged librarian types in here positively throwing themselves at you.”

Remus throws back his head and laughs uproariously. Sirius can’t help but eye the line of his throat, watches the bob of his Adam’s apple. His mouth feels dry, and he tries unsuccessfully to swallow it away. “I’m sorry to disappoint,” Remus eventually manages to snicker out, “But I’m afraid I swing the other way. I know, I know, my middle aged librarian type fans are absolutely devastated. Unfortunately for them, my heart belongs to the bad boy biker types.”

Sirius’s mouth is starting to feel more and more like the Gobi Desert. He’s wearing his leather jacket and combat boots right now, and Remus’s words can’t be a coincidence. Is this man hitting on him? He’s never been hit on by a man before. At least, not that he’s aware of. And he’s certainly never wanted to be hit on by a man before, but he can feel his pulse in his stomach and a knot in his throat that tells him exactly how he feels about it this time. He’s not even sure how to respond to it, but he manages to come up with, “Well speak for yourself; the librarian type definitely does it for me. Although I do generally prefer them to be more like twenty something, as opposed to middle aged.”

Remus grins at him almost wickedly, and Sirius feels his own smile widen. He thinks somewhat carelessly that this definitely wasn’t part of the plan, but then again, there never really was much of a plan. So it certainly can’t hurt to build a rapport with the brother of their hostage. Certainly can’t hurt to maybe take him out on a date either.

Remus beats him to the punch. “Would you maybe want to go out to dinner with me sometime? I hope this isn’t too forward or anything considering we just met, but I think you’re quite handsome and you make me laugh and I just have a feeling I’d regret it if I didn’t ask.”

Sirius feels the heat in his cheeks and he’s sure his face is flaming red right now. He internally curses his complexion for giving him away so easily - despite being half Italian, he ended up inheriting his mother’s fairer Irish skin - and mostly fails to hold back the pleased grin trying to spread over his lips. “Indeed, how awfully forward of you. But I suppose I could be convinced. Where did you have in mind?”

Remus smirks back at him and slowly takes the stack of books from Sirius’s arms. He places them on the shelf next to them, never breaking eye contact with Sirius. “I was thinking somewhere fancy. It may not look like it, but somehow this shop isn’t doing too badly and I’ve been itching to spend it on a worthy cause.”

Sirius’s stomach is squirming, but as far as he can tell, it seems to be a good squirm. He’s used the same type of lines before on girls to reel them in, and to his utter surprise, he’s more than okay with this man with his warm brown eyes and impish smile reeling him in. He hears the faint but familiar voice of his father reminding him to be a man and establish his dominance, but he pushes it away as hard as he can. Despite everything he’s been taught, he feels what he can only pathetically describe as butterflies in his stomach, and he decides to pretend that he wasn’t raised by an unfeeling bastard for a few minutes and just let things happen as they may. “Fancy’s okay with me,” He replies, unconsciously taking a step toward the other man, feeling the pull of his gaze drawing him in. “Just as long as I don’t have to dress up too much. I’m not really a suit and tie kind of guy.”

Remus looks him up and down, eyes darkening. “Yeah, I can see that. Maybe we can toss the suit idea out. I think we might have to revisit the tie idea though, at a later date.”

Remus’s words shoot what feels like a bolt of electricity straight through Sirius’s body to the nerve endings in his fingers and toes. He draws in a sharp, surprised breath, and a moment later, Sirius feels the light touch of one of Remus’s hands brushing over his hip, and just as Sirius has resolved to throw caution to the wind and lean forward to press their mouths together he feels something vibrating in his pocket.

Sirius jumps about a mile into the air, and Remus pulls back a few inches, laughter bubbling out of his lips. “Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” He asks, and Sirius can’t help but let the most undignified giggle slip out.

“Can it be both?” He quips, reaching into his pocket to fish out the phone. He knows almost without looking what name is going to be flashing across the screen, but what holds his interest much more than the fact that Lily’s calling him is the time at the top of the screen.

“Son of a bitch,” he breathes. He whips open the phone and answers, “I know, I know; I’m on my way,” before he snaps the phone closed and shoves it back into his pocket. He looks up to see Remus watching him with an expression of fond amusement.

“I take it you have somewhere to be?” Remus prompts.

Sirius sighs. “I’m afraid so. It completely slipped my mind.”

Remus smirks. “I suppose you only have me to blame for that. I can, after all, be very distracting.”

Sirius lets out a laugh. “Well, you’re not wrong. I hate to have to run without buying the thousands of cat books you just attempted to force upon me, but I’m really late.”

Remus laughs as well, before grabbing one of the aforementioned cat books off the shelf next to him. “Well this one’s on the house. You know where to find the rest if you need them.” With that he pulls a pen out of his pants pocket and flips the book open to the front page, where he quickly scrawls what looks to be, from Sirius’s upside down point of view, his name and phone number. “I noticed that you’re using a flip phone, so modern technology is probably quite foreign to you, but if you can figure out how to send me a text or give me a call we can arrange that date I mentioned,” Remus teases, now pressing the book into Sirius’s hands.

Sirius grins. “While my ancient thumbs do slow my texting speed down considerably, compared to your clearly youthful and dexterous fingers, I think I can manage that.”

The two stand there beaming at each other for a moment, and Sirius can hardly believe his luck that he’s managed to stumble upon a man who’s not only breathtakingly gorgeous, but also somehow laughs at all the stupid shit that comes out of Sirius’s mouth. He may have not twenty minutes ago firmly believed that he could never be interested in another man, but for now Sirius is startlingly okay with this sudden turn of events, and before he can find himself unable to pull away from the other man he flashes one final grin and turns to go, throwing a wave over his shoulder as he walks away, clutching his new book tightly to his chest as he goes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and James have a chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It really was cute how I thought I'd be able to stop myself from updating more than once a week. I'm actually meant to be working on something else right now but I am the king of procrastination.

**Chapter Four**

_ “Trust you'll take the right to leave me _

_ Waiting under dark clouds for the rain _

_ Praying lightning strikes a change _

_ As history gets lost and _

_ As I took that final breath I felt alive _

_ Meeting god to stand in line, all alone" _

 

Lily sighs to herself as she makes her way up the stairs leading away from the train she’s just gotten off of. Her mind is still back with Sirius, who is currently undoubtedly making a fool of himself trying to get into bed a woman he’s not even interested in. It’s not that Sirius is frequently interested in anyone, but she’s known him long enough to see it happen once or twice. She’s been to bars and clubs and all manner of places with her brother, and she knows how disinterested he is when a woman is attempting to pick him up, and she notices when his gaze unconsciously take in the physiques of the other men around them.

She can also vividly remember their childhood, back in the days when their mother was still alive and they were blissfully ignorant to the evils of the world that their father actively participates in. They watched a lot of movies back in those days. Their mother had been an actress, and she was all too happy to get her children excited about her profession. The three of them spent every Saturday holed up in the living room, cuddled together under piles of blankets and buckets of popcorn, and Lily can still remember the likely hundreds of conversations they’d had about the visual merits of several actors. Their mother was a bit in love with Winona Ryder, Lily’s “man” was Cary Grant, and Sirius only had eyes for Leonardo DiCaprio after Titanic came out. Lily, as a child, had made the observation to him, “I thought you were supposed to pick a girl. What about Rose? She’s pretty.” Sirius had rolled his eyes and pointed out that she was too soft, and that was that.

Of course some things change with age and time, but Lily has a hard time believing that this thing had indeed truly changed at all. They had been twelve when their mother died and they had to go live with their father. Father had instantly noticed the pictures of Leo that Lily had tacked up all over Sirius’s bedroom door and he’d given his son hell for it, no matter how Lily had tried to shift the blame to herself. A week later, Sirius came home from school to announce that he had acquired his first and only actual girlfriend. It didn’t take too much time or effort for Lily to make the connection.

Lily chews on her bottom lip thoughtfully as she walks down the street toward the building that houses their headquarters. She and Sirius aren’t expected back for another hour to conduct field reports (and privately she’s quite annoyed that they still have to deal with the field reports since they’ve been demoted and it should be Severus' job now, but he came into the position at the end of the month, and therefore all the information that they would be receiving would be meaningless to him since he wasn’t the one who assigned the field team’s tasks, so unfortunately it does make sense for them to handle it), so Lily decides, probably against her better judgement, to take a detour upstairs to the holding cells to have a little chat with James. She knows she shouldn’t, and she won’t be surprised if she ends up storming out again or throwing a chair at him or something, but she feels compelled to do so nevertheless.

When she enters the cell this time it’s almost like he’s waiting for her. He’s sitting upright on his mattress, ankles crossed on the floor in front of him, and his eyes are taking her in intently as she walks through the door. There’s also a single chair unfolded on the ground in front of him, even though she hadn’t told anyone she was coming. She waits for a smug grin or a flippant comment from him, but he just watches her evenly as she shuts the door quietly behind her and makes her way to the chair.

“Good evening, James,” She starts stiffly, already wondering why she thought it would be a good idea to come up here. He knows she hates him, and she doubts that that’s a particularly conducive relationship for gathering intel.

“Lily,” He replies without a hint of his usual arrogance, inclining his head slightly in greeting. “I can’t say I expected to see you here again, after our last encounter.”

She flushes instantly, embarrassment singing through her veins. She’s not usually one for displays of emotion, and the fact that her anger and frustration got the better of her in front of someone else doesn’t sit right with her. “Yes, about that… I am sorry for my behavior. My anger was uncalled for and I regret the fact that I was unable to restrain myself.”

“This sounds so formal,” James notes, shifting a bit to place his elbows on his knees. “I almost feel like I’m talking to your father instead of you. I think I prefer when you make a point to call me a cocky ass every other sentence.”

Lily snorts despite herself, and she only hates herself a little bit for giving James any kind of encouragement. The last time she accidentally laughed at one of his jokes he had cheered loudly in the middle of the coffee shop, drawing the attention of everyone else in the cafe. Given her current line of work, Lily isn’t entirely comfortable with multiple people paying attention to and taking notice of her, to say the least.

But this time James just grins back, and Lily notices an infinitesimal shift in his shoulders, as if some weight has just been lifted off them and he’s able to relax just slightly. She belatedly feels a heavy pang of regret for the fact that her father’s gang is the reason he’s imprisoned in this dank, cold room, instead of where he should be, out and about laughing with friends or confidently chasing girls or anywhere, really, where he’s surrounded by all the people who hang on to his every word. The change doesn’t suit him well, and even though he’s somehow retained his cool confidence (and she’s hard pressed to realise when exactly his confidence stopped being unwarranted arrogance, in her eyes) it just doesn’t seem right that he’s trapped here alone without any ounce of control, when he’s always seemed so effortlessly in control of every other situation she’s ever encountered him in.

Lily sags a bit in her chair, all of the hatred she’s built up toward James seeping out of her in an instant. She sighs deeply, running a hand shakily through her hair. No matter what he’s done to her or his girlfriend or to any other girl, surely he doesn’t deserve this. He may not realise it, but Lily’s crossed Bellatrix’s path too many times to know that there’s no light waiting at the end of this tunnel. There’s no escaping this for him. He knows where their base is, has seen it from the inside. The final nail in his coffin was meeting the twins as their leader’s children; their father has guarded the knowledge of their relation to him dearly in order to prevent the potential leverage of their lives as blackmail, and he would never allow an enemy with this knowledge to walk freely. As soon as they were introduced to him, there was a target painted on James’ back in crimson blood, and no matter what he’s done, he doesn’t deserve this.

“I’m so sorry,” Lily breathes. It’s quiet; even she can barely hear it. She doesn’t know if she even meant to say it out loud, but based on the wobble in her voice she doesn’t think she did. James doesn’t hear it, and she doesn’t repeat herself when he looks at her questioningly. Once again her emotions have gotten the best of her, and she doesn’t know what it is about this boy that makes her so quick to react.

After another minute or so of silence, James finally breaks the tension settling like a heavy fog over them in typical James fashion. “So did you actually have a reason for coming in here or were you just planning on sitting there silently to taunt me with how perfect and unattainable you are?”

Once again Lily can’t help but laugh, and she’s almost pleasantly surprised instead of irate, as is her general expectation when faced with James Potter’s usual brand of humour. “Honestly, I don’t know what I was planning to say to you when I got here, other than apologising. I just… I guess I felt like I owed it to you to come say something. I never wanted this for you, no matter what I may have said to you in the past. If I had known that you were involved with the Libs I would have warned you to stay well away from that warehouse. Actually, I would’ve warned you to stay well away from gangs altogether. It’s not often one ends life happily in this line of work. And I wouldn’t wish your Bellatrix-ridden fate on my worst enemy, even if it is you.”

James guffaws, running his hands through his messy hair in a gesture Lily’s seen a thousand times. She can’t help but notice that this time his hands are shaking slightly. Whether it’s from the cold, or hunger, or nervousness, she can’t tell. “This is uncharacteristically kind of you, Black. I’d almost say that getting to have a conversation with you that isn’t riddled with insults is worth getting kidnapped and waterboarded by your father’s guard dog and apparently being given a death sentence.”

Lily smiles apologetically. “We call her the guard bitch around here, actually.” She replies tentatively, not entirely sure what to do with herself when she isn’t, as James noted, hurling insults at him after every other word.

James grins widely, looking like he just won the lottery. “Please tell me you’re the one who came up with that nickname so I can die a happy man.”

“I’m the one who came up with that name,” Lily agrees, smirking slightly. “Sirius calls her Bitchatrix actually, but we can’t decide which one is funnier.”

James flops down on the bed, eyes closing as he chuckles to himself. “You’re one hell of a woman, you know that?” He murmurs, looking suddenly as if he’s on the edge of contented sleep. “Never catching you is going to be one of my biggest regrets.”

Lily bristles out of habit, but finds herself unable to reprimand him around the lump in her throat. She tries to clear it away quietly, but she realises that she can’t, and that the air in the small room has thickened so much with the weight of James’ resignation that she’s finding it hard to breathe. She stands abruptly and is out the door in an instant, before James even has a chance to realise that she’s gone.

\--

Lily hurries through the corridors of the building, praying that she doesn’t run into anyone important, anyone who might stop her and question her and notice the tear tracks running down her face. She makes it to the back door and practically flies through it, rushing out into the alleyway that lies before her.

There’s no one else around, and she takes a few deep, calming breaths before she pries loose a brick near the door to reveal a half smoked pack of cigarettes hidden behind it. She and Sirius quit smoking almost a year ago, but in moments like this, when her emotions are threatening to burst the dams she’s built up and flood through her, she can’t help herself. She lights the cigarette with a heavy sigh, and once she’s secured her little secret back behind the loose brick once more, she closes her eyes and leans back against the wall behind her. She focuses on the cigarette; the way the smell reminds her of her mother, the way the smoke curls lazily around her tongue as she inhales, the way the slender stick rests perfectly between her index and middle fingers, the way the smoke drifts up and into the air as she exhales.

This may not be the healthiest coping mechanism, she notes offhandedly to herself, flicking her thumb idly against the filter as if she were trying to remove the ash, even though there’s no ash left to be removed at the moment. She takes another deep breath, this time around the filter, and feels her lungs fill with the tingling sensation of the nicotine. Her nerves start to calm, and she reaches up with her eyes still closed to brush away the remnants of tears clinging to her cheeks.

She doesn’t know what’s come over her all of a sudden. It’s not like she ever cared before whether James Potter lived or died, but now, somehow, when faced with the actuality of his death, she feels breathless with horror. James Potter is so full of life. He is arrogant and smug, to be sure. But he is also confident and jubilant and intelligent and quick witted. He is persistent and tenacious; he is caring and brave. He is more worthy of life than nearly all the miserable sods in this building that somehow dares to try to contain him, and Lily doesn’t know how she’s going to stand by and let Bellatrix torture such a vibrant life out of him.

Despite her smoke, Lily can feel herself getting worked up again, and before she can get into a state where she’s unable to calm herself down she pulls out her phone to call Sirius. Even if she doesn’t want to talk about what’s going on with her, and doubts that she wants to know how things are going with the waitress that he’s supposedly pursuing, just hearing his voice is usually enough to soothe her sufficiently. Sirius’ number is the only one set to speed dial on her phone, and after one final calming breath she presses send, tipping her head back against the brick behind her to stare up at the white clouds peeking between the rooftops above her.

Sirius picks up after four rings, which is an unusually long time for him. Lily’s lip curls in slight disgust at the thought, and she hopes desperately that she hasn’t caught her brother in the midst of anything with the waitress. She would be surprised if he had actually managed to bring himself to get somewhere with her (while her brother is a good looking man and she’s noticed the eyes of many women on him over the years, he usually can’t be arsed to give any of them the time of day), but no less horrified at the thought of catching him in an intimate moment.

Sirius doesn’t wait for her to speak, instead he just snaps, “I know, I know; I’m on my way,” before hanging up on her. She pulls her phone away from her ear to stare at it quizzically, as if it can somehow explain her brother’s strange behaviour. After a moment, however, she finally notices the time, and realises with a start that they’re supposed to begin going over the field reports in less than fifteen minutes.

“Shit,” She mutters, taking the last few drags of her cigarette at a hurried pace before chucking the butt at the wall on the other side of the alley. She takes a minute to steel herself, pulling her long hair up into a ponytail and paying particular attention to the feeling of the strands of gleaming red slipping smoothly through her fingers. With one last final tug of her hair band she grits her teeth and reminds herself that all her emotions have been placed in a box on a shelf in a closet, and she’ll go back and look at them later if she needs to. With that, she clears her head with a small shake and heads back inside.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus start texting. Lily and James have a chat. Sirius and Lily's father is the devil.

**Chapter Five**

_ “Look in my eyes _

_ I'm jaded now, whatever that means _

_ by sharing these things _

_ I rip my heart out, it's worth my time _

_ whatever that means” _

 

It takes approximately twenty four hours for Sirius to text Remus. He’s not sure what exactly it is that he’s waiting for, he just knows that he’s inexplicably nervous to reach out. He hates that Lily’s basically been right about him this whole time, and he hasn’t told her yet because he won’t be able to stand her smug, “I told you so,” and she’s usually the one who pushes him to do things that make him nervous.

It all just seems like it was a dream. He’s never noticed another man like that in his entire life and now suddenly he has and it all just happened so fast. He swears there was a moment there, at the book shop, where he knows that he and Remus were seconds away from kissing. In the moment he didn’t have time to think about it, and he doesn’t know what he would’ve done if it had happened. Even now, when he doesn’t think about it too hard, he thinks he would be more than okay with it. Remus has these soft looking, pale pink lips, and Sirius finds himself getting distracted by the thought of kissing them on more than one occasion in those horrifically long twenty four hours. But then he really thinks about it, and then he imagines what would happen if, God forbid, Father were to somehow see him kissing another man, and then he has to stop himself from being sick with all the thoughts in his head.

Finally, when he’s about to go crazy with everything that’s racing through his mind, he decides fuck it, and pulls out his phone later the next night as he’s sitting in his bed half-heartedly reading the cat book. “Just out of curiosity, did you intentionally give me a book exclusively about cat breeding? Because if so, I think we’re going to have to have a serious talk about fetishes and what I am most decidedly not into.”

After he sends the text he’s so anxious about it that he takes a shower just so he doesn’t have to sit there watching his phone nervously and waiting for a reply. When he finally gets out of the shower and pulls on a pair of sweatpants he returns to his phone to find two messages waiting for him.

“No that’s fine, break my heart.” Followed by, “Is this the incredibly good looking biker man that came into my shop yesterday? Not that I give out cat porn to just anyone, but I realise now that I never got your name.”

Sirius tries to resist the urge to facepalm. It’s a losing battle. Of course he was so distracted by the biggest identity crisis he’s ever faced in his life that he forgot to do something as simple as give Remus his name. Thank god Remus has a better head on his shoulders than he does. “I suppose you didn’t. What can I say; I was distracted by your incredibly sexy cardigan. I’m Sirius.”

Remus replies just a minute later. Sirius tries not to feel smug about it. He hates playing that game that you do when talking to someone you’re interested in where you don’t text them back as soon as you see their message because you’re not trying to seem too eager. He doesn’t get it. In his mind there’s nothing “too eager” about carrying on a conversation with someone you want to get to know. It’s all very childish and coy and Sirius doesn’t care to partake in it. He’s glad that so far Remus seems to be the same way.

“I know, I know. All my cardigans are quite sexy. There’s the brown one, and the tan one, and the other brown one; it gets real wild in my sweater drawer.”

Sirius laughs to himself, trying to keep his voice down so as not to alert Lily, who’s supposed to be asleep in the room next door. A moment later, another text comes through. “I’m really glad you texted me, Sirius. I was worried that I came on too strong yesterday.”

Sirius feels himself blush a bit. “Maybe a bit strong, but I clearly wasn’t objecting. And if I can take a moment to come on too strong I’d like to be straightforward with you about something. I’ve never been interested in another man before so this really took me by surprise and it’s all very new for me but I’m really looking forward to getting to know you. And quite honestly it’s almost embarrassing how attracted I am to you.”

At first, Remus just sends back two rows of smiley faces. He then goes on to say, “In case I haven’t made it obvious by now, I’m quite attracted to you too. And I can’t wait to get to know you better. When do you think you’ll be free for that date?”

Sirius smiles to himself as he mentally goes over his schedule. He’s never even taken a girl on a proper date before, let alone had someone else take him out, and despite himself he can feel a flutter of excitement in his stomach that makes him feel decidedly unmanly. “I’m free on Saturday, if you’re available,” He texts back before putting his phone down for a few minutes to brush his teeth and take out his contacts. It takes a conscious effort to not check for texts every five seconds, but he forces himself to wait until he’s ready for bed before he looks again. It’s not that he’s trying to keep from appearing too eager, it’s more that he’s concerned with how little self control he feels over a mere text conversation. It’s disconcerting, to say the least.

“Saturday works for me!” Is Remus’s reply, which he had quickly followed up with, “Do you want to do dinner and a movie or is that too cliché?”

Sirius laughs quietly as he turns off his light and crawls beneath his bed covers. “That’s just fine with me. The biker jacket might make me look like a badass but I assure you I like cliché just as much as the next bloke.”

Before Remus can reply again Sirius sends him another text. “Sorry to keep this conversation so short, but I have to get an early start tomorrow and I’m about to go to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”

Sirius falls asleep with a contented smile on his face for what feels like the first time in a quite some time, but not before he reads Remus’s reply when it pops up on his phone: “Sleep well! I can’t wait :)”

\--

Lily sighs to herself as she slowly makes her way down the corridor that leads toward the stairs to the holding cells. She feels like she’s been doing that a lot these days; sighing, that is. To be fair, she’s also been spending a lot more time in the holding cells than she ever had before, but with James in there she’s not incredibly surprised with herself. Despite the animosity she feels toward him, there’s also always been an underlying fondness for the man. She hates herself for it, considering what he did, but she can’t seem to help herself. There’s just something about him that makes Lily unable to stop herself from caring about him much more than she knows she should.

She huffs out another sigh as she makes her way up the stairs and into the main area that all the cells branch off of. Peter is standing guard again, and he gives her a tired smile and wave as she approaches.

“How’re you doing, Peter?” She asks as wearily as her friend looks, popping a hip out slightly to lean it against the wall next to her. “Hanging in there?”

Peter gives a quick laugh. “Always am. The new dining hall menu is killing me though. Think you could talk to your dad about getting pizza Fridays back?”

Lily chortles, absentmindedly giving mental thanks for Peter’s ever-present light heartedness. Despite being in the most dangerous gang in London, all the boy ever really cares about is what he’s going to eat next. She and Sirius have known him since high school and he has hardly changed a bit since they first met. “I suppose I could always try, but don’t expect too much,” She offers, already knowing it isn’t even going to be worth the fuss. Father would only give her the unimpressed look that he usually reserves for Sirius before turning away to discuss more important matters with someone else.

“Anyway,” She adds, standing up off the wall once more, “I’m going to go in and try and talk with the Lib again,” She’s careful not to call him by name; Peter may be one of her oldest friends, but the only person she knows she can fully trust is Sirius. “Think you could unlock the door for me?”

“Sure thing, Lils,” Peter agrees sunnily, not even bothering to stand up from his chair; he tugs the key ring out of his pocket and twists around to unlock the door, all the while remaining sitting comfortably. Lily laughs to herself before entering the cell.

James is lying sprawled across the mattress on his stomach when Lily first goes in. At first she thinks he’s asleep, since he doesn’t appear to stir at the sound of her entrance. Once she gets to the now customary chair against the wall opposite the mattress and sits down, however, she can see that his face has turned to her, and he’s watching her. She realises with a start that he normally wears glasses, and she hasn’t seen them at all in the time that he’s been here. She makes a mental note to ask after them, thinking she can give Father the excuse that James offered to share information with her in exchange for them or something like that.

He doesn’t say anything, just continues to look at her, so after a moment of somewhat uncomfortable silence Lily speaks up. “How are you?”

James snorts out a bitter laugh, finally shifting into motion. He rolls over and onto his back with a wince before closing his eyes and pushing his hands through his customarily messy hair. “Just peachy, Lils. This is the vacation of my dreams, you know; just you, me, and a mattress. It’s basically all I’ve ever wanted.”

Lily’s unsure what to say to that, mainly because she’s doesn’t know whether she’s more offended or more amused. “...Right,” She finally says, hoping to just breeze past it. “Well I hope you’re not going too crazy with boredom in here. Is there anything I can bring to you to help pass the time, at least? It’d have to be something you could hide under your mattress, but a book or something maybe?”

James laughs again meanly, opening his eyes again to shoot her a disdainful look that she’s never seen on his face before. “Well you’d hardly fit under my mattress, but if you wanted to join me on top of it I’m sure we could find something entertaining to do.”

Lily huffs, the offence now swiftly overtaking the amusement. “If you’re just going to make crude comments then I’d be happy to leave, and I certainly won’t be inquiring after your glasses and their whereabouts for you. Forgive me for thinking that I’d come try and give you some company, since there’s really nothing else I can do about the situation.”

She stands up and turns to leave, feeling hurt bristling all up and down her insides. She’s been plenty mean to James over the time they’ve known each other, and she knows she has no right to be bothered by him returning the favour, but she can’t help it. It’s not the James she knows at all, and she’s scared of what this whole situation is doing to him. She can pretend she hates him all she wants, but that doesn’t mean she’s ever wanted to see the happy go lucky, boyish charm ever fade from his eyes.

“Lily, wait,” James says from behind her, just as she places her hand on the door knob. She pauses but doesn’t turn around. She doesn’t know what her face might be saying right now and she really doesn’t want James to see how much his words upset her. “Fuck, I’m sorry. Bellatrix paid me a visit this morning and put me in a less than pleasant mood.”

Before she can even get a grasp on what she’s doing, Lily whips around and practically runs over to the mattress, sitting beside James and putting her hands on either side of his face. “Oh fuck, are you okay? What did she do?” She asks, not even trying to conceal the horror in her voice. She turns his head this way and that, checking him for any visible injuries.

James regards her calmly, although she thinks hopefully that some of the deadness in his gaze has lightened a bit. “It was fifty lashes, I believe,” He answers quietly after her hands have finally stopped fluttering frantically and have landed in her lap. “At least, that’s what she said it would be. I lost count after a while.”

Lily swallows hard, willing herself not to let her fury come out in tears. “I’ll fucking kill her,” She whispers to herself. She’s always hated Bellatrix, but this will not stand. “Did they have anyone look at your back afterward? I’ll go get something to put on it; hang on.”

James grabs her wrist as she moves to stand. “Relax, Lil. Peter came and looked at it and put something on it for me. I’ll be fine. It was mostly just a blow to the ego, if anything.”

Lily lets out an incredulous sound and sinks back down to sit on the mattress. “A blow to your ego?” She asks in disbelief. “You are something else, James Potter.”

James laughs, and Lily finally meets his eyes again to find that some of his usual warmth has finally crept back into them. His hand is still wrapped loosely around her wrist, and she pulls it free only to close her fingers around his gently. “Don’t let the bastards get you down,” She quotes softly, letting her fingers slowly slide into the spaces between his.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” He quips back, giving her a little half smile, never breaking eye contact. “I’m okay. I almost want to say it was worth it just to see you react like that. I always knew you secretly cared about me. I don’t know why you’ve been trying so hard to hide it.”

Their faces are very close now, and Lily realises with a start that James seems dangerously close to kissing her. She jerks back automatically, snatching her hand from his. “I have to go,” She says abruptly, standing up and backing away from the bed.

“Lily, come on,” James is standing now too, and he takes a step toward her before reconsidering and taking a step back, putting his hands up as if he were trying to show a timid animal that he meant it no harm. “Please don’t keep running from me. I don’t know what I ever did to you, but haven’t you made me pay enough? Just tell me whatever it is so that I can fix it. I know you care about me; you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. If you truly hated me the way you pretend you do you would’ve been right there next to Bellatrix. So why do you keep running away? What are you afraid of?”

Lily stares into his pleading eyes for another moment before she can take the raw emotion in his gaze no more. “I have to go,” She repeats quietly, turning away from him once more.

“Please,” He all but whispers, and Lily chokes back an inexplicable sob. She hunches her shoulders and walks out the door.

\--

 Lily doesn’t make it far before she runs into Sirius at the bottom of the stairs. He’s pacing back and forth up and down the hall, and Lily stops to look at him for a moment, quickly wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt before he notices any potential tears. He doesn’t even see her, however, and she watches him pull out his phone, turn bright red, and promptly shove it back into his pocket. She’s about to ask him what that was all about, but before she gets the chance he’s already taken his phone back out and begins typing away on it, practically giggling to himself as he writes.

Lily is shocked and bemused to see her brother giggling over a text conversation, and she can’t even begin to guess who he’s texting or what he’s texting about. She’s about to speak up again when she’s interrupted for a second time, this time by their father appearing at the end of the hall with a stern look on his face. She instantly snaps to attention, and when Sirius turns to pace back down the hallway, nose still buried in his phone, he catches sight of Father and instantly puts his phone away, back now tensed and rigid and the fingers of his right hand playing with his jacket sleeve behind his back as Lily knows he’s inclined to do when he’s nervous about being caught doing something. Her resolve to figure out more about Sirius’s mysterious text conversation only grows stronger.

“Twins,” Their father starts, and Sirius turns quickly to catch sight of Lily, who’s still hovering in the shadows of the stairway. She quirks an eyebrow at him, and as subtly as she can, signs, “We’ll talk after this.”

“Twins,” Father says again, this time with a bit more reproach in his tone. “Pay attention to me when I am talking to you. Now if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to speak to you both in my office about the progress you’ve been making with the newest resident of our holding cells.”

Lily blanches, and Sirius casts her a furtive look. “Of course, Father,” Sirius returns easily, not looking away from her. She can tell just from his eyes that he knows something’s up with her, and she’s sure he’s going to question her the first chance he gets. Fortunately for her, she’s got some questions of her own to counter with, and hopefully that will distract him from her issues long enough for her to escape the conversation. “Can we meet you there in five minutes? I just have to run to the loo.”

“So do I,” Lily adds, knowing that if she doesn’t their father will expect her to accompany him straight to his office. “We’ll be along in just a moment.”

Father stares at them for a few seconds, unimpressed. “Fine, have your little chat. But if you two are not in my office in five minutes there will be hell to pay.” With that he turns and strides away.

Lily turns to look at Sirius, who has pulled his phone out again and has a goofy grin on his face as he reads whatever is on the screen. “Okay, what is that all about?” She asks, crossing her arms and frowning at him. “Who could you possibly be texting that’s making you smile like that?”

Sirius jumps slightly, as if he’s already forgotten that she’s there. “No one,” He answers quickly, to which Lily rolls her eyes exaggeratedly.

“Oh yeah sure, you’re just grinning down at your phone like a total loser because you really like the background picture I set of me making a stupid face. Yeah, I totally buy that.” She tries to grab the phone from his hand, but he’s ready for her and puts his hands behind his back, backing away from her while he does it. Suddenly it dawns on her, and she gasps. “You have a crush on someone, don’t you? That’s who you’re talking to. Tell me it isn’t the waitress from the other day; I swear to God I won't buy it for a second. Who is it? Why didn’t you tell me you were talking to someone?”

 

Sirius’s blush is answer enough for her first question, but he purses his lips and refuses to properly respond to anything else. “It’s none of your business, you prying hag. And why would I tell you anything when you’ll probably just start going on and on about how I’m wasting my time talking to a girl when I’m - according to you - secretly gay?”

Lily huffs and rolls her eyes again. “I’m just trying to be supportive,” She mutters.

“Sure you are,” Sirius returns sarcastically, finally dropping his phone back into his pocket. “Anyway, enough about me. What were you doing up in the holding cells? I thought you hated James?”

“I do hate James,” she snaps back, bristling. She begins to walk toward their father’s office, and Sirius is quick to catch up, falling into stride with her easily. “That doesn’t mean I think he deserves all this though. I was just checking to see how he was doing.”

“And how is he doing?” Sirius inquires.

Lily is silent for a moment, trying to keep down the nauseated feeling in her stomach when her mind flashes back to the thought of Bellatrix whipping James relentlessly. “He got a visit from Bellatrix this morning,” She answers quietly, feeling an overwhelming sadness settle over her.

“Fuck,” Sirius murmurs, reaching a hand out to touch her arm in an attempt to comfort her. “Is he okay?”

“Peter fixed up his back as best he could, but I can tell that it really got to him,” Lily replies, feeling a lump in her throat harden that made it difficult to swallow. “He’s losing sight of himself up there. I hate this. I hate that he’s stuck here and there’s nothing I can do. I don’t care what he’s done in the past; I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.”

Sirius sighs sadly. “We’ll figure something out,” He reassures her. “We’re not going to let him die in there. I promise.”

Lily gives him a half-hearted smile. “I don’t know what I would do without you,” She sighs, tucking her hand into the crook of his elbow as they turn onto the corridor that holds the door to Father’s office at the end and slow their pace. “I don’t want to go in there,” She adds in a whisper.

“Neither do I,” Sirius whispers back, placing a hand over hers and squeezing for a second before letting go. “Do you think we should make a run for it?”

Lily laughs, despite feeling that she really has nothing to be laughing about at a time like this. “No, you heard him. If we’re not in his office in five minutes there will be hell to pay,” She repeats in a deep, exaggeratedly dramatic voice.

“Makes sense, since he is the devil and all,” Sirius mutters, shooting a dirty glare at the door before them.

“Come on, bud,” Lily tugs on Sirius’s arm, guiding him toward the office. “Time to go have a chat with Satan.”

\--

Sirius almost laughs when they sit down at the chairs in front of Father’s desk and Father does his very best Bond villain impersonation by slowly spinning in his chair to face them. All he really needs is a cat in his lap to stroke menacingly and the image will be complete.

“Children,” Their father greets them, and Sirius nods uncaringly in response. He already knows exactly what he’s going to tell Father about the information he’s gotten from James, and that’s a big fat nothing. Even if it weren’t for the fact that he has Remus’s safety to think about, at this point he’s not particularly inclined to do anything helpful for Father. And it’s not like Father expected them to get anything out of James anyway, so they might as well take their tongue lashing and keep James and Remus safe.

“So, is there anything you want to share with me about your attempts to interrogate our young prisoner?” Father questions, folding his hands on the desk in front of him as he speaks.

Sirius is just about to speak up and reply that James had been completely silent for them, just as he had for everyone else, when Lily beats him to the punch. “Not much,” She begins slowly, as if carefully trying to piece together exactly what she’s planning to say before it leaves her lips. “We did learn one thing from him, however.” At this, Sirius gives her a sharp look. He doesn’t know what she’s planning to share, but she couldn’t possibly hate James enough to put his brother at risk just out of spite, could she? He begins to sign almost frantically at her under the desk, asking her just what in the hell she’s doing, but she ignores him without casting his quickly moving fingers a single glance. “We were able to discover that he’s not actually a member of the Libs; he just assists them with their distribution because he’s being blackmailed by them. The reason he won’t share any knowledge of their inner workings is that he isn’t privy to such information.”

Sirius’s fingers freeze, and he just barely manages to hold back a proud grin. Of course Lily wasn’t going to give anything important away. He should have known. All she’s done now is planted the seed that James isn’t quite so much the enemy that everyone thinks he is, hopefully allowing for even the smallest amount of mercy when it comes time for Father to decide what to do with him.

Father is looking at them sceptically, and Sirius does his best to appear unsuspicious and that there’s nothing more to the story. He’s never been great at hiding things from Father, but as long as Father believes Lily’s account and doesn’t probe Sirius for any more information, they might just be able to get away with it.

After another moment Father sighs, turning his gaze away from them as he begins to shuffle through various stacks of paper on his desk. “While I do believe that there is something the two of you are withholding from me, I trust you,” and here he glances up to look at Lily, making it quite plain that she’s the one he trusts, not Sirius, “And I’m sure that whatever it is, it is either not relevant to our interests, or is something you intend to deal with on your own. I appreciate your initiative, and trust that you will report back to me if there is any new information you wish to share.”

With that he turns away, slipping on his glasses to go over what looks like financial reports of some kind. Sirius thinks a quick prayer of thanks that Father’s dismissed them so unusually quickly before he slips out of his chair and follows Lily hurriedly out the door.

“That was weird,” Lily’s saying, practically before the door is even shut behind them. “He’s never kept us in a meeting for such a short time in his life. And he didn’t insult you once. Well, not directly anyway. When’s the last time you had a conversation with him where he didn’t blatantly insult you? Something’s going on.”

Sirius frowns, turning to look at her as they make their way through the winding halls toward the front door. “I don’t know, maybe he just has something more important to get to. You know how tired of me he’s been lately. I think he just wanted to send me on my way so he didn’t have to look at my face anymore.”

Lily rolls her eyes. “Be that as it may, he usually can never resist getting in a few good jabs. And not only did he not insult you, he also sort of gave us a compliment, didn’t he? I mean, he appreciates the initiative? That’s like the nicest thing he’s ever said to us.”

Sirius laughs, pushing open the front door as they reach it. “I wouldn’t think too hard on it, Lil,” He answers, blinking against the sudden sunlight and resisting the urge to sneeze. “If nothing else, the man lives to surprise.”

Lily trails along after her brother, brow still furrowed in thought. “I know,” She mutters absentmindedly. “It was just strange is all. I just hope he’s not up to something.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius go on a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is emotionally prepared for the cheesiest pick up lines ever, courtesy of mostly Remus. 
> 
> Thank you everyone for all your comments and kind words, they made me smile like crazy :)

**Chapter Six**

_ “How you slowed my tongue, beautifier _

_ See my own reflection in the flower _

_ Read a part but I skipped right to the end to make you feel better _

_ If our time’s a tome make a makeshift tome for the butterflies” _

 

Once again Sirius is left feeling like the most clichéd person to ever live as he paces anxiously around his room and gazes over the various articles of clothing scattered across his bed. He thinks he’s decided on the one pair of black jeans that make his ass look particularly good, but as far as shirts go he’s kind of at a loss. He briefly contemplates the idea of going shirtless, but rules that out as well because he doesn’t want Remus to think he’s a weirdo who goes walking around shirtless all the time, no matter how good his pectorals might look.

Just when he’s about to give up on his secretiveness and call Lily in to help him his eyes catch on a black shirt sleeve peeking out from behind a suit jacket that’s tucked away at the back of his closet. He hurries over and pulls it out from its hiding place, giving it a once over. It’s just a simple black silk button down, but he quickly decides that it’s the perfect balance of dressed up and not too serious so he throws it on, leaving the top three buttons undone because really, his pecs are one of his top three features.

“This is ridiculous,” He mutters to himself as he stares at his reflection in the mirror over his dresser. “I’m being ridiculous.” But despite that he takes a few minutes to make sure that his long hair is just the right level of dishevelled and even takes a furtive moment to swipe on just a dash of the black eyeliner he stole out of Lily’s makeup bag to make his eyes really pop before he deems himself as ready as he’ll ever be and throws his leather jacket on over the completed ensemble.

Lily catches him as he’s tying his boots in the foyer. “Where are you going, looking like that?” She asks him, her voice teasing. “If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were going on a date.”

Sirius is silent for a minute as he finishes tying his shoes, and stands up. “Well then I guess you don’t know any better,” He finally replies with a wink and a smirk, and then quickly hurries out the front door before she can ask any more questions. If things go well tonight then he’ll have to tell her eventually, but he doesn’t want to confess anything to her before he’s even had a chance to see if this was all borne out of a random, one time moment of insanity, or if he actually does have feelings for another man. He couldn’t bear it if her “I told you so,” was followed up with an, “Oh Siri, what were you thinking?”

 

He and Remus had agreed to meet at the restaurant, and Sirius is only a little bit disappointed that he doesn’t get to pick Remus up on his bike. He briefly envisions how Remus would look in his spare helmet and a leather jacket, then quickly shakes his head to dispel the image before the absurd butterflies that seem to have taken up permanent residence in his stomach decide to flutter any harder.

It only takes Sirius a few minutes to get to the restaurant, and before he knows it he’s pulling his bike up at the front of the building to find Remus perched on a bench by the front door. Remus gives him a wave, and Sirius waves back eagerly before he climbs off his bike and pulls off his helmet, stowing it away in the storage area beneath the seat.

Remus had left his bench to walk over to him while Sirius was putting away his helmet, and Sirius looks up to find the man grinning at him from the sidewalk. “Hey,” Sirius smiles back, adjusting his jacket nervously as he walks over to Remus. “How’s it going?”

“It’s going,” Remus responds easily, nodding his head toward the door to indicate that they should start making their way inside. “I gotta say,” He continues as they start walking, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more attractive than you on a bike. You’re lucky I was already sitting down when you pulled up or you would’ve had to jump off that bike to come and catch me.”

Sirius laughs as he pulls open the door for Remus. “So sorry to have caused you such distress,” He teases, unconsciously putting a hand on the small of Remus’s back to guide him to the hostess stand. “I’ll be sure to drive a station wagon next time. Maybe you need to find yourself a middle aged librarian type after all, if only for your own safety.”

Remus giggles at that, and Sirius hates himself a little bit for how quick his answering grin spreads across his face at the sound. “Sure, but where would be the excitement in that?” Remus asks as they follow the hostess to their table. “Besides, I’ve heard that dating yourself is generally frowned upon in polite society.”

Sirius practically cackles at that, and he takes a brief moment to be thankful for Remus’s sarcasm and quick, dry wit. He’s never met anyone besides Lily who could make him laugh so easily, and it leaves him feeling almost light headed with happiness. They’re quiet for a minute as they take their seats, Sirius pausing to take off his jacket and sling it over the back of his chair, before Remus is right back at it.

“So, shall we begin with the awkward first date questions?” Remus asks with a mock serious expression on his face, propping his elbows up on the table and putting his chin in his hands. “Where are you from, what do you do, do you want kids, tell me your whole life story, et cetera.”

Sirius laughs, leaning back in his chair. “Well, Remus, I was born and raised in London, as I’m sure you can tell from my charming London accent. I want two point five children and a house with a white picket fence, and I’m secretly a very important member of the most notorious gang in England. How about you?”

Remus shoots him a wicked grin, and Sirius is internally pleased that he was able to tell the truth about his “job” without Remus turning tail and running away as fast as he can. He knows that depending on what happens between them he might not be able to keep it a secret forever, but at least now he can tell himself that he never lied about it.

“I too was born and raised in London,” Remus says, picking up his menu and beginning to peruse the beverages. “Although I’m not entirely sure what exactly two point five children is supposed to mean but I suppose with your incredibly respectable and well paying job, we’ll be able to support them just fine. How do you feel about me quitting my job to become a homemaker?”

Sirius chuckles, also glancing through his menu. “You’d be surprised at how well it pays to be in a gang. Not grunt work, of course; that’s peanuts. When you’re a leader the cash just rains. And as long as there’s dinner on the table every night when I come home from a long day of dealing drugs and shooting up rival gangs, you can do whatever your heart desires.”

Remus pretends to swoon. “My hero,” He mockingly simpers, fanning himself with his menu. “I better ring my parents, I think I’ve found the one.”

\--

Dinner continues along in the same vein, with Sirius laughing and smiling more than he thinks he ever has before with anyone. There’s never a dull or awkward moment; even when the check comes at the end of the meal Remus snatches it off the table with a look of joking suspicion at Sirius before saying, “I know you’re thinking it, Mister Rich Gangster, but I asked you out on this date and thus I will be the one paying. You can ask me first next time if you want to pay.” And Sirius just laughs and moves on to tease Remus about his use of the word “thus” in casual conversation.

They take Remus’s car together to get to the movie, and when they’re walking into the theatre Remus casually takes Sirius’s hand, not even missing a beat in the conversation. Sirius gets that feeling that’s started to become annoyingly familiar of fluttering in his stomach, and gives Remus’s hand a quick squeeze. Remus shoots him a warm smile, and they only fall into silence then to grin at each other like idiots.

Once they get into the theatre and are making themselves comfortable in their seats, Remus leans in to whisper into Sirius’s ear. “So on a scale of one to ten, how okay would you be if I pulled the fake yawn arm over shoulder move with you? And do I have to wait till the movie starts and it gets dark or can I go ahead and do it right now?”

Sirius bites his lip to contain the ridiculous grin threatening to burst across his face. “I would have to say eleven and now, if I’m being honest,” He whispers back.

Remus grins wordlessly and slings his arm over Sirius’s shoulders. Sirius snuggles in a little and leans his head on Remus’s shoulder, which is unnaturally comfortable considering how thin and bony the other man looks.

About halfway through the movie Remus dips his head down to speak into Sirius’s ear again. “Just out of curiosity, what are your feelings on making out in a movie theatre like a couple of teenagers?”

Sirius instantly flushes, but he turns to meet Remus’s eyes despite himself. “I think I could get into that,” He breathes, tucking his hair behind his ears with flustered hands.

“Good, I was hoping you’d feel that way,” Remus murmurs, and their faces are suddenly a lot closer than they had been just a moment ago. Sirius draws in a quick breath, eyes going slightly crossed as he stares at a small brown birthmark under Remus’s right eye. Sirius can feel Remus’s breath ghosting across his lips, and he swallows nervously before he can’t stand the anticipation anymore and moves forward to press their mouths together.

If Sirius is being honest with himself, it’s like nothing he’s ever experienced before. He’s kissed plenty of women before, sure. He’d always been too preoccupied with thoughts about how sloppy and wet it was, or how this woman used too much tongue, or how that woman didn’t use enough. But this kiss is worlds away from the rest. Remus’s lips are soft, and they match Sirius’s tentative pace perfectly. The hand that isn’t around Sirius’s shoulders comes up to lightly cradle his cheek, and the one that is moves down to twist their fingers together. Sirius smiles into the kiss for no particular reason other than the fact that it feels so nice, and Remus breaks the kiss for a moment to lean their foreheads together gently and smile back.

“Was that okay?” Remus asks, not moving away from Sirius. Sirius doesn’t really know how to express exactly how much better it was than just “okay,” so he just rolls his eyes fondly at Remus and reaches up with his free hand to grab the back of Remus’s head, fingers twining into his hair, and firmly pulls him into another kiss.

\--

After the movie ends, Sirius really struggles to pull himself out of Remus’s arms. He only hates himself a little bit for it, and has noticed that the voice in his head that’s constantly reminding him that this is wrong grows quieter with every passing minute. They walk hand in hand once more back to Remus’s car, and Sirius finds himself somewhat resentful of the fact that once Remus drops him off at the restaurant where he left his bike they’ll have to go their separate ways.

The mood has softened and sobered up significantly since their light-hearted start of the evening as they climb back into Remus’s truck. Sirius feels as though he should say something, but the words don’t come, so instead he slides across the bench seat to cuddle up into Remus’s side once more. He feels more vulnerable in that moment than he ever has before, and despite vulnerability being one of his biggest fears, the soft kiss that Remus drops to the top of his head pacifies him greatly.

“I had a really great time tonight,” Remus murmurs from somewhere above his head over the soft sound of the classic rock station playing on the radio. He puts his car into gear and pulls out of the lot, giving Sirius’s arm a squeeze with the hand that’s found its way back around his shoulders. “I know you said the whole dating a man thing is new for you but I’m kind of hoping you’ll want to try it again. Preferably with me.”

Sirius laughs and closes his eyes. “Signs point to yes,” He teases quietly. He opens his eyes for a minute to peek out the front window, hoping that they’re still far away from the restaurant, despite knowing that they didn’t had very far to go. Unfortunately, Remus is just pulling into the lot. He parks the car next to Sirius’s bike and shuts it off.

“Do you think maybe I could kiss you again before you go?” Remus asks, angling his body slightly on the seat so that he’s facing Sirius. His eyes are dark, and Sirius feels a shiver go up his spine. Instead of giving him a proper answer, Sirius lets his instincts take hold of him and moves on the seat so that he’s kneeling before he swings one leg over Remus’s thighs and makes himself comfortable on the other man’s lap.

“Fuck, that was hot,” Remus breathes, eyes widened slightly in awe. Sirius just smirks at him for a moment before pressing their mouths together in a heated kiss.

Remus’s arms instantly move to wrap around his waist, and Sirius tangles his hands in Remus’s hair, tugging slightly. Their earlier kisses inside the theatre had been slow and deep and lazy, but now Sirius is fuelled by an inexplicable sense of urgency, like this is the one chance he’s ever going to get. He barely manages to stop himself from moaning when one of Remus’s hands dips down past his hips to grab his ass, and he moves his mouth to latch on to the juncture where Remus’s neck and shoulder meet as revenge. Remus groans, tilting his head to give Sirius better access, and Sirius grins to himself before licking over the already purpling mark he’s left on Remus’s contrastingly pale skin.

Remus’s hands have now moved up Sirius’s back, underneath his jacket and shirt, and Sirius shudders when he feels the blunt edges of Remus’s nails scrape down his shoulder blades. He moves back up to kiss Remus again, nipping on his bottom lip for a moment before licking his way back inside the other man’s mouth.

“You are too fucking good at this,” Remus admits a bit dazedly the next time they break apart to breathe. His hands are now wandering up Sirius’s chest, and when his fingers brush the skin of Sirius’s stomach his pulse jumps wildly and he feels goose bumps erupt all up his arms.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Sirius teases, kissing his way languidly across Remus’s jawline. His hands seem unable to remain still, and he finds his fingers roaming all over Remus’s chest and shoulders. It’s so strange to feel another body under his that’s so similar to his own, but at the same time it’s somehow comforting, as if he’s surer of himself because he already knows the lay of the land, so to speak. His fingers trail up Remus’s neck once more to twine a little possessively into the hair at the nape of his neck. Sirius feels ridiculous for feeling possessive, but it’s suddenly like if Remus ever moves he might actually die. He wants to stay right here in this beat up truck in Remus’s lap forever.

After several long minutes of deep, burning kisses, Remus slides his hands gently into Sirius’s hair and pulls him a few inches back. Sirius stares down at him, chest heaving slightly as he tries to catch his breath. “As much as I’m enjoying making out with you in a pickup truck like we’re in an American country music video, would you possibly be interested in taking this somewhere a bit more private, like maybe to my apartment?”

Sirius freezes in place. As quickly as he had let all his fears and misgivings slip somewhere away into the back of his mind, everything comes rushing back in an instant. It hits him hard, in that moment, what exactly he’s spent his evening doing, and he feels the shock of it slice all the way down to his bones. He feels sick to his stomach, his pulse is racing even faster than it was a minute ago, and forget trying to catch his breath because even his lungs are now frozen in shock and horror.

Remus, of course, notices his reaction right away. “Shit, Sirius, I’m sorry. That was too far, wasn’t it? I shouldn’t have said anything.” He drags a hand through his hair nervously, biting his lip in a way that makes it obvious that he feels properly chagrined. He looks a bit like he’d like to disappear into thin air, and Sirius knows that feeling all too well.

Finally Sirius has enough presence of mind to slide off of Remus’s lap and onto the seat next to him. He opens and closes his mouth a few times before taking a deep breath and practically forcing the words out. “So I don’t think I’m ready for all that quite yet,” is the best he can do, in a soft, hoarse voice, and he somehow barely manages to restrain himself from beating himself over the head at such an obvious and unnecessary reply. “Maybe next time though?”

Remus’s laugh seems forced, and Sirius can’t decide which of them he hates more for ruining the mood. He knows, objectively, that what Remus had suggested was only the next logical step, and he knows that Remus had no way of knowing that the thought of going back to his apartment to do who knows what (Sirius knows what, but he’s trying not to think about it) would be a figurative bucket of ice water dumped right over Sirius’s head. Neither of them honestly knew that the second Remus proposed such a thing the weight of what they had been doing and what else Remus was offering would hit Sirius like a ton of bricks. Mostly he just hates himself for even getting himself into this mess.

“I’m thinking I should go,” He finally offers, when the silent tension in the truck climbs to an unbearable height. “I really did have a lovely night though.”

Remus finally looks up and meets his eyes, and while Sirius can tell from the faint shine of the streetlights that his cheeks are still tinged with red, he gives Sirius the best smile he can muster. “I did too,” He replies, glancing down at Sirius’s hand for a moment on the seat between them like he’s contemplating taking it in his own. He clearly thinks better of it, and tucks his hands tightly between his knees as though he has to hold himself back. Sirius feels both relief and bitterness that Remus decided against it. “And I’m sorry that I pushed you too far. I like you a lot, like an exorbitant amount considering the fact that we haven’t known each other for very long, and it keeps slipping my mind that this is all new to you because being with you feels so natural to me. I really hope that I haven’t scared you off too much because I was hoping maybe we could do this again sometime. Well, the date thing. Not the getting too into it and making an unwanted pass at you thing. God, please shut me up; I can’t seem to stop talking.”

Sirius laughs softly, some of the discomfort leaking out of his body. Before he can talk himself out of it, he leans forward to press a quick, gentle kiss to Remus’s mouth. “The date thing, we can definitely do,” He murmurs as he pulls back. Remus’s eyes are closed, as if he’s still processing the feeling of their mouths moving together. Sirius smiles to himself, then gives Remus’s hand a quick squeeze before he slides to the other side of the seat and finally climbs out of the truck.

Once Sirius has his helmet on and has started his bike, he glances up into the windshield of Remus’s truck, which is still off in its parking spot. Remus is watching him with a fond smile on his face, and when he realises that Sirius has caught him looking his smile widens and he gives him a thumbs up. Sirius laughs and returns the gesture, before putting his bike into gear and pulling out of the parking lot. As he speeds through the empty, late night streets of London, he thinks to himself that he’s gotten himself into a very complicated situation; one that he has absolutely no idea how to get out of. One that he’s not even completely sure he wants to get out of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Sirius smoke about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After re-reading this chapter I realise now that my obsession with smoking is just bleeding through. Don't smoke kids! Or you'll end up like me, winded after one flight of stairs and completely unable and unwilling to quit.

**Chapter Seven**

_ “You taught me something about love that I could never learn alone _

_ We'd hike the railroad tracks to the vortex _

_ Upper falls to the stone _

_ Never the right time to say something _

_ I never have to let you go _

_ Just gonna need some time for breathing slow” _

When Lily awakens the next morning it’s to find her brother sitting cross-legged at the foot of her bed; glasses perched on his nose and a lit cigarette in his left hand. Usually she would have kicked him to the floor and rolled back over for another hour or two more of sleep, but the cigarette is enough of a red flag to have her sitting up and reaching for her bedside table to grab her own glasses, shoving them onto her face quickly as she tucks her legs up underneath herself as well.

“What’s going on, Siri?” She asks, reaching out in an attempt to take the cigarette from his fingers and stub it out into the ashtray sitting next to him that’s spilling ash over the edge and onto her bedspread. The ashtray had been empty and stored at the back of the cupboard under their kitchen sink when she had seen it last night, so clearly Sirius has been working on filling it for quite some time.

Sirius doesn’t answer, just moves his smoking hand farther away from her and takes another deep drag. Lily resists the urge to roll her eyes at his dramatics, because clearly he’s upset about something, but she doesn’t have enough self-restraint not to say, “Well if you’re going to blow smoke in my face and spill ash on my bed at least have the decency to give me one to smoke for myself.”

Sirius grins and snags a pack of Marlboro Reds out of his pocket, pausing for a moment to dig one out of the box for her before he tosses it into her lap. Lily manages to get a glance at the inside of the pack only to see that there’s only two left, not including the one she’s about to smoke. She makes a mental note of it; Sirius only chain-smokes when he’s incredibly stressed about a particular event (much like her own smoking habits). “Did you at least bring coffee?” She questions, reaching for the orange lighter sitting next to the ashtray.

“Yeah, on your bedside table,” Sirius finally speaks, nodding his chin up to indicate where the cup sits. It’s lukewarm at best, when she takes a sip, and Lily realises that he’s probably been sitting on her bed contemplating waking her up for quite a while.

Lily pauses for a moment to light up her cigarette, closing her eyes and taking a deep, soothing inhale of the smoke before exhaling slowly and opening her eyes to meet Sirius’s gaze. “What’s going on?” She asks again, resting her coffee mug on one knee and leaning back into her pillows.

Sirius looks down, brow furrowed in either concentration or annoyance; Lily can’t decide between the two. Finally he opens his mouth, first taking a puff of his cigarette, then saying, “I did something really stupid last night.”

Lily resists the urge to groan and bury her face into her hands. She knows better than to jump to conclusions, but she’s having a hard time with that right now. She pushes the possible scenarios from her mind as best as she can since they just keep getting worse and worse, and then she asks, “What happened on your date, Sirius?”

Sirius’s cheeks flush bright red, and he bows his head to stare down at the bed. He’s put his cigarette out by now into the overflowing ashtray, but he doesn’t miss a beat before he’s lighting another one. Once he begins to talk he’s speaking directly to the bedspread, and Lily has to lean closer to pick up the words he’s saying.

“I went on a date with a man even though I knew I shouldn’t and I told you I’m not gay and I never have been before but there was just something about his eyes and his smile that wouldn’t let me say no and he kissed me and I didn’t stop him and now he wants to see me again and Father’s going to murder me and I’m going to go straight to hell.”

He says it all in a rush, lips moving so fast Lily can’t even try to read them to make better sense of it all. When he’s done he glances up at her, and Lily is alarmed and a little horrified to realise that there are unshed tears glistening in his eyes. Before he can say or think anything else as upsetting as what just came out of his mouth Lily’s kneeling up on the bed and moving over toward him, throwing her arms around him as tightly as she can without spilling the coffee in her right hand or burning anything with the cigarette in her left.

“First of all,” She starts once she’s pulled back enough to sit next to him, cuddling up to his side, “If Father ever even attempts to do you harm, I will pop a cap up in his ass so fast he won’t even know who hit him.” Sirius chuckles, still sounding a bit watery, so Lily pushes on. “Second of all, you’re not going to hell because how fucking stupid would it be for God to create us in his own image and then condemn us for acting on the feelings that he put in our heart? Seems a bit hypocritical to me. And third of all, do you want to see him again?”

Sirius bites his lip uncertainly before burying his face in Lily’s shoulder. She strokes his hair softly as he murmurs, “I think so. I’m trying not to feel that way though.”

Lily tangles her fingers into Sirius’s hair and gently tugs his head up so that she can look him in the eye. “You have nothing to be ashamed of,” She tells him firmly. She presses their foreheads together, not letting him look away. “If there is a person out there who makes you feel happy and good then you should never try to push that away. Fuck Father, and fuck the church, and fuck every single asshole on this planet that would tell you otherwise. They’re all just jealous because they’ll never know what real love is like. Love isn’t based on what you have below the belt, and if people genuinely think they couldn’t love someone based solely on that and want to put you down for looking instead at someone’s soul, they’re the ones who are going against God for judging thy neighbour.”

Sirius smiles at her, pulling away slightly to take another drag of his cigarette. “I’m glad you think so, anyway,” He says, brushing away a stray tear that had been slowly making its way down his cheek. “I hate that you were right about this one though. Life would’ve been a lot easier if I had never met him.”

Lily frowns. “Yeah, but it also could potentially be a lot more empty. For all you know, this guy could be the love of your life. And just for the record, I’m always right. So listen to me when I tell you that there is nothing wrong with being gay, no matter what our homophobic asshole of a father has tried to drill into your head for the last thirteen years. Mother was in love with Winona Ryder, don’t you remember? She would be so proud of you for being true to yourself.”

Sirius sniffles a bit and wipes his nose on his shirtsleeve. Lily only feels a little bit sorry for bringing Mother up. Talking about her always makes Sirius cry, but Mother had been Sirius’s biggest champion and supporter, and bringing her up at a time like this was probably the best way to help him come to terms with himself.

“You know it’s true,” She presses on, shifting to settle herself more comfortably on the bed at Sirius’s side. She takes a sip of coffee, contemplating what to say next. “Not only would she be proud as hell, but she would insist on you bringing him home for supper so she could fatten him up and interrogate him to make sure he was good enough for her precious baby.”

Sirius is smiling now, even if it is through tears. “I know she would. Remember when you dated that kid Toby for about five minutes in the sixth grade? She showed up at school to invite him over because you refused to bring him home.”

Lily laughs, letting her head fall to the crook of Sirius’s neck. They’re quiet for a minute, letting memories of their mother wash over them. Finally she rolls her head to the side to look up at Sirius. “So how did you even meet this guy, anyway?”

Sirius’s cheeks immediately turn bright red, and his expression is suddenly very suspicious. Lily sits upright, eyes narrowing at him. “What?” She asks. “What did you do?”

Sirius sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Okay, remember how I said I did something stupid? Well the guy thing wasn’t the only part of that.” He pauses here, glancing at Lily hopefully, like she’ll just let him off the hook after dropping that cryptic little piece of information. She raises an eyebrow expectantly, so Sirius takes a deep breath and carries on. “Fine. You know how I said I was going to stay behind to put the moves on that waitress in the coffee shop?” Lily nods. “Well, you were right when you said I was just pretending to be interested in her. I know, I know, you’re always right. Anyway, don’t hate me for this, but I was just trying to get rid of you so I could go into the book store by myself.”

Lily gives him a shove. “I fucking knew it, you arse!” She exclaims, giving him a dirty look before stealing the last cigarette from the pack that’s now sitting on the bed between them. She expects Sirius to complain that she’s finished them off, but instead he just pulls another box out of his pocket before smacking it against his hand a few times to pack the tobacco down into their papers. He takes another smoke out and lights it before continuing on with his story.

“I’m sorry, Lils. I just didn’t trust you to be objective with your feelings about James being what they are. I’m not used to you having a short fuse and I wasn’t sure what else to do.”

He pauses here to give her his best puppy dog eyes, and Lily pouts in annoyance at him for only a moment before she laughs and reaches over to ruffle his hair. “It’s okay, you dweeb; I forgive you. Just don’t do it again. Just because I loathe James doesn’t mean I’ll take it out on his brother, after all. I’m sure he’s a perfectly lovely man who just suffers from an unfortunate relation.” Suddenly she gasps and turns to Sirius with eyes as wide as dinner plates and her mouth hanging open slightly in shock. “Tell me it’s not his brother, Siri. Please tell me that for once I’m wrong.”

Sirius blushes again, hiding his face in his hands. “I told you I did something stupid,” He mumbles, and even though the words are muffled slightly by his palms, they’re still clear enough to cause Lily to set her coffee mug securely on the floor beside the bed and snatch a pillow from near the headboard to start beating Sirius about the head with it.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Lily practically shouts, ignoring Sirius’s yelps and pleas for mercy. “You wanna talk to me about objectivity and then turn around and tell me you’re dating the enemy’s brother? I could wring your neck right now!”

“Jesus Christ, Lily, will you calm down?” Sirius yells from beneath Lily, who at this point has tackled him to the bed and is possibly attempting to smother him a little bit with her pillow. “I know, okay? I told you I don’t know what came over me. Obviously I’m not going to see him again.”

Lily finally ceases with her attempted smothering and pulls back to stare down at her brother. “What are you talking about? You have to see him again.”

Sirius sits up, shoving Lily off him and making her knock over the ashtray. She doesn’t even care about her bedspread at the moment; there are already several years worth of ash stains and burn marks on it, if she’s being honest. Sirius looks at her, confusion stark across his features. “You’re giving me some mixed signals here, you know.”

Lily sighs, flopping back against the mound of pillows still resting at the head of the bed. “I know, I know. Shit. This is one fucked up situation you’ve gotten yourself into, Siri. On the one hand, Romeo and Juliet both died and I really don’t want you to go down the same path. You did finish reading that in school, right? It generally doesn’t end well when you decide to bed someone on the opposite side of a war.”

“I didn’t bed him, Jesus,” Sirius mutters, but Lily ignores him and continues on.

“On the other hand, I’ve never seen you genuinely interested in another person and I don’t want to tell you not to pursue him because who even knows if you’ll ever have feelings for someone again?” Lily frowns and crosses her arms as she gazes at him. “You do like him, don’t you?”

Sirius bites his lip and looks at his hands that are folded in his lap. “Yeah, I really do,” He admits softly.

Lily smiles at him and reaches out to squeeze his hands. “Then you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.”

Sirius smiles back and ducks his head. “Yeah, we’ll see. The night ended kind of weirdly and I’m not really sure what to say to him now.”

Lily’s brow furrows as she lights another cigarette. “What do you mean, it ended weirdly?”

Sirius frowns at her and tries to snatch the cigarette out of her hands but she’s too quick for him and holds it too far away for him to reach. “Oh sure, bitch at me for a whole year about how we committed to quitting and must resist temptation and then steal all my cigarettes the second I cave.”

Lily pouts. “We’re twins, fool; if you’re going to go and give yourself cancer I’m not letting you go down without me.”

Sirius rolls his eyes but lets it go so he can light up a smoke of his own. “But anyway, uhm… basically there was some kissing and stuff going on and then he asked me if I wanted to go back to his apartment and I kind of froze.”

Lily heaves the deepest and most dramatic sigh Sirius thinks he’s ever heard come out of her mouth before dropping her head into her hands. “Somewhere along the line I failed with you,” She bemoans, shaking her head slowly.

Sirius raises an eyebrow, unimpressed. “Haha, very funny. At least I’m not the one who had a one night stand with James.” Lily looks up to scowl at him, and Sirius sticks his tongue out at her. “No seriously though, it just hit me all at once what I was doing and I totally freaked out. Like, there’s this one side of me that doesn’t give a damn that Remus is a man and is just ridiculously ecstatic that I’ve met someone who’s smart and hilarious and sweet, and also insanely attractive. And then there’s this whole other side that’s completely disgusted by myself for even thinking those things. And I have no idea which side of me is going to win.”

With a frown, Lily sits back up to prop her head on her knees and gazes at Sirius with concern. “You have to fight the second side as hard as you can. You  _ should _ be happy that you found someone that you like, and you are not disgusting at all. We’re going to fight internalised homophobia Sirius together, and we are going to win. Okay?”

“If you say so,” Sirius replies with a fond smile. “After all, you  _ are _ always right.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius returns to the bookshop. Some kissing happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a lovely Easter! I won my family's first annual outdoor Easter Egg Hunt and I'm quite pleased with myself. The prize? Eternal glory. Am I an adult? Maybe so. Do I care? Not a bit.
> 
> Anyway, thanks as always for your lovely comments and I hope you enjoy this next chapter!

**Chapter Eight**

_ “You got me running away _

_ At the same time, I'll never go _

_ Nightmares, could be _

_ You saved my life _

 

_ And if I could just start it over _

_ The same thing would happen _

_ You know that I could see this coming _

_ I’ve been standing here the whole time” _

 

As is apparently now becoming a regular thing, it takes Sirius a little longer than strictly necessary to reach out to Remus after their date. If he’s being honest with himself he wanted to text him as soon as he arrived home to tell him that he had a great time and that he secretly really wished he’d had the guts to take Remus up on his offer. But then he freaked himself out with that internal confession so he took two sleeping pills and went straight to bed without thinking about it any more. Then the next day he started off by chain smoking two packs of cigarettes with Lily and lazing around in bed with her all day watching some of their mother’s favourite movies so he wasn’t even in the same room as his phone for most of the day and hence couldn’t possibly have texted. The three days after that, however, Sirius can admit had just turned into straight up avoidance.

Finally on day five he spends an hour in his shower arguing with himself about what he should do and eventually the side that just wants to talk to Remus some more and maybe kiss him a few thousand more times comes out the victor, and as he towels himself off and gets dressed he tries to come up with something that he could possibly say to explain his silence to the other man. It’s not as if Remus hadn’t tried to reach out to him; he had sent him three separate texts that were a mixture of sweet, funny, and unassuming. He was even too nice to be mad at Sirius for outright avoiding him; on day four he had just wished him a good night and asked him to please let him know when he was ready to talk. Sirius knows he doesn’t deserve him but he wants him anyway, and that single-minded desire is what finally breaks him down.

Of course, Sirius has absolutely no idea how to explain it all over text. Hell, he’s not sure he can put it into words at all how convoluted all the thoughts have become inside his head. He sits down on his bed and pulls out his phone, attempting to think of something to say. He composes six incredibly lengthy text messages, and each one gets deleted once he thinks he’s finished and reads it over. Finally he realises that there’s really only one thing he can do at this point. He’s got to go down to the bookstore to explain everything in person.

Once he decides that this is the best course of action he can’t get there quick enough. He also knows a part of him is just really eager to see Remus and, if he’s lucky, get to kiss him again, but more than that he just wants Remus to be able to see from looking into his eyes how genuinely sorry he is for avoiding him and trying to run away. He may be terrified of what might happen if he does turn and face this, but he’s done trying to run. He knows that he has to see this through, if only for his own peace of mind. If he doesn’t he has a feeling that he’ll probably regret it for the rest of his life.

The tube takes forever and is jam packed with people, as is normal for five o’clock on a Wednesday. Sirius wishes he’d had the good sense not to go out during rush hour, but now that he’s on his way he can’t go back because he doesn’t want this sudden rush of determination to fix things to go away before he has the chance to make things right with Remus. It takes over an hour to get to the shop with all the commuter interference and random track closures, but eventually Sirius emerges from beneath the ground and takes a deep, cleansing breath as he comes out into the light of an early evening sunset.

Remus and James’ shop isn’t that far from the entrance to the Underground, but today Sirius kind of feels like it’s a million miles away. All he knows is that it takes way too long when all he wants is to be back in Remus’s presence, now that he’s decided that confronting things head on is the only way he’s going to be able to live with himself. That’s why it hits him like a ton of bricks when he rounds the corner of a building to turn onto the proper street only to find a “closed” sign hanging in the window of the book store.

“Son of a bitch!” Sirius exclaims, half-heartedly pounding a fist against the building next to him. He moves closer to the bookstore anyway out of an unrealistic hope that maybe he somehow read the sign wrong, and notices a small piece of paper taped up under the sign. He steps up to the door to read it and is unnecessarily excited to find that in Remus’s handwriting there is a message scrawled there that simply reads, “Back by six, thanks for your patience.”

Sirius glances at his watch only to find that it’s already seven after six, meaning Remus should be back any minute. He resolves to wait for him and takes up post leaning against the brick wall next to the door, lighting up a cigarette to pass the time while he waits. He only feels a little bit guilty about the cigarette; he and Lily had both sworn to each other that they weren’t going to start up again and that the other day had just been a one time thing, never to be repeated again, but he still has two packs left and it feels like a waste to just throw them away without smoking them. He’ll quit when they’re gone, he promises himself.

“Smoking is bad for you,” Comes a voice to his right, and Sirius whips his head from gazing down the street to look, only to immediately make eye contact with Remus, who’s standing there watching him with a strange sort of look in his eyes.

Sirius smiles ruefully, trying not to blush simply over being in the presence of the other man. “Everybody’s gotta die sometime,” He jokes, tossing the mostly finished butt to the ground and stepping on it with his heel.

Remus rolls his eyes and moves forward, stepping around Sirius to unlock the door to the shop. “Are you coming in?” He asks over his shoulder as he pushes through the door, and Sirius follows behind him wordlessly.

Sirius continues to trail him all the way to the counter where the cash register sits before Remus speaks up again. “I gotta say, Sirius, I’m surprised to see you again.”

Sirius immediately blanches and drops his eyes to the floor, staring resolutely at his feet. “I know. I’m really sorry about all that. Avoiding you, I mean. It was really childish and stupid and honestly just a waste of time, because trying to pretend like nothing ever happened and like you don’t exist was clearly a losing battle since I can’t seem to get you out of my head.”

When Sirius looks up again Remus is leaning over the counter, chin propped in his hands and eyebrows raised in scepticism. “That was quite the line. Pull the other one, Sirius; why are you really here?”

Sirius runs a shaky hand through his hair, fighting the sudden, overwhelming, and irrational urge to cry with frustration. “Listen.” He clears his throat and clenches his jaw for a moment, internally assuring himself that honesty is the best policy and at this point he has nothing to lose. “Just listen. My mother died when I was twelve. When my father came to pick me up and take me to live at his house he saw that I had pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio hanging up on my bedroom door and beat me with his belt. I had never been beaten before. Before that day I didn’t even know that being interested in someone of your same gender was abnormal. My mother always supported me in everything I did, and she had never bothered to tell me that other people had a problem with it. So for the last thirteen years of my life my father has made a point to hammer it into me just how sick he thinks I am. He only does it when we’re alone and there’s no one around to stop him or even catch him at it, but he still to this day will hit me if he thinks I’m looking at another man, and he calls me a faggot at every chance he gets.”

Sirius takes a deep, steadying breath and closes his eyes. “I’m sorry that I’ve been avoiding you. I know that I led you on. But I also led myself on. It really hit me when I got home what I had done, and the worst of it is that I don’t even regret it. I hate myself more than you can probably fathom and I feel like a twisted, terrible person, but I couldn’t stop myself from going out with you, and I still find myself unable to keep away. I really hope you forgive me because I’d rather make myself sick with self loathing but still get to be with you than always wonder if I made the wrong decision.”

When Sirius meets Remus’s eyes once more over the counter he’s startled to find that the other man’s eyes are brimming with unshed tears. “Jesus Christ, Sirius,” Remus finally whispers, slowly moving out from around the counter and stepping toward him. He gingerly reaches a hand out, as if he’s afraid Sirius will break, but instead Sirius holds out one of his own hands and links their fingers tightly together. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all that,” Remus continues quietly, gazing down into Sirius’s eyes. “But I’m really glad you came to tell me because to be honest, when I thought you were done with me it made me so sad.”

Sirius hates the thought that he’s made Remus sad, and in an attempt to begin to remedy it he cups Remus’s cheek in his free hand and stands up on the tips of his toes to kiss him softly. Remus smiles against his lips and moves to wrap his arms around Sirius’s waist as the kiss deepens. Just as Sirius is contemplating the idea of kissing him even harder, in the hopes of getting to feel the slide of their tongues together once more, the chime above the door tinkles and Sirius instantly pulls back, taking a small step away from Remus and glancing over his shoulder to try and spot whoever just entered the shop.

“Remus, dear!” A high, feminine voice calls from the front of the store, its owner obstructed by the overfilled shelves between them. Remus sighs dramatically, rolling his eyes.

“One of my middle aged librarian type regulars,” He explains in a whisper. “This is going to take at least a half an hour, so if you’d like to stay you should make yourself comfortable.”

Sirius chuckles, leaning forward once more to press a kiss to Remus’s cheek before he walks away. As he turns to make his way over to the squishiest of the armchairs in the sitting area, however, he suddenly feels arms snake around him and in an instant Remus has turned him around and is pressing him firmly back against the counter, mouth hot and insistent on his own. “Don’t think I’m finished with you just yet,” Remus practically purrs against his lips, voice dark with suggestion. Then, as quick as he had come he is gone, darting off through bookshelves toward the sound of the customer’s voice, shooting a heated look and smirk back toward Sirius as he goes.

Sirius isn’t entirely confident that he can make it all the way to the chairs at this point, so he heaves himself up onto the counter behind him and fans himself with his hand a little bit. He feels incredibly flustered and ridiculously turned on, and he hates Remus just slightly for doing this to him before running off to deal with some little old lady who, from the sound of it, is after several different books about gardening that she swears up and down Remus had in shop last week but now appear to have gone missing. Sirius loathes her a tiny bit for insisting on needing to shop for books at this exact moment.

It takes ages for the woman to make a final decision about which books she wants to purchase, and even longer once she and Remus come over to the register and she discovers another human being that she can make a plethora of pointless small talk with. She asks Sirius so many questions about himself that he can’t help but be reminded of Remus asking him those mocking first date questions, and when he looks toward the other man he finds him already smirking back.

“Remus, don’t tell me this lovely young man is your boyfriend!” The woman exclaims upon catching their glance, putting a hand to her heart as her smile widens. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you’ve been seeing someone!”

Remus’s cheeks tinge pink, and Sirius is properly delighted by the hue. “Well, Mrs. Higgins, we’ve only just started seeing each other. I didn’t want to say anything too soon and jinx it.”

“Aww,” Sirius coos teasingly. “I didn’t know you were superstitious. That’s so sweet, babe!”

Remus shoots him a death glare while Mrs. Higgins’ gaze is on Sirius. “Well,  _ babe _ , I just couldn’t risk it when it came to winning you over.”

Sirius has to cover his mouth with his hands then, pretending to be overcome with emotion, when in actuality he’s struggling not to burst out laughing. Once he’s able to control himself he simpers, “Oh my god, babe, you’re going to make me cry.”

“You two are just so sweet!” Mrs. Higgins chimes in, and Sirius can practically see the hearts in her eyes.

“Thank you, Mrs. Higgins,” Remus answers with an insincere smile, causing Sirius to snicker into his hands again.

Once Mrs. Higgins has finally had her fill of small talk and is making her way back toward the front door Remus rounds on Sirius with a dangerous sort of glint in his eyes. “You think you’re real cute, don’t you?”

Sirius smirks, reaching out to grab the front of Remus’s shirt so he can pull him closer. He wraps his legs around Remus’s waist as the other man takes hold of his hips, an impossibly fond smile flitting over his lips. “I think you think I’m real cute too,” He breathes, his hands moving up Remus’s chest to slide behind his neck and up into his hair.

Remus smiles back, pressing their foreheads together. “You got me there,” He murmurs, tucking a stray lock of Sirius’s hair behind his ear. “You know what else would be cute is if you would stop sassing me and let me kiss you.”

Sirius gives him a wide, cheeky grin. “You can kiss me anytime you want; I’m not stopping you.”

With a fond roll of his eyes Remus takes his face between his hands and crushes their mouths together heatedly. Sirius practically moans into the kiss as his eyes flutter shut, and his grip tightens in Remus’s hair. Remus presses forward so that their bodies are flushed together, and Sirius has trouble stringing a single coherent thought together at the feel of the warmth from Remus’s body enveloping him from what feels like all sides. Not that he really has any coherent thoughts to string together at a time like this, because for once his mind is blissfully empty, and the side of his brain that’s usually chanting a mantra of anti-gay slurs at him is the quietest it’s ever been since his mother died.

“So after my faux pas the other night, I want to check with you now exactly what your limits are,” Remus says quietly when their mouths finally break apart for a breather. Despite Sirius’s desperate need for air Remus seems mostly unfazed, and he just moves his mouth down Sirius’s neck to plant warm, open mouthed kisses on his skin.

Sirius struggles for a moment to wrap his head around the question being asked of him, and once he’s able to comprehend it it takes him another moment to think of what to say. “Well I don’t think I’m ready to go ...all the way,” Sirius mumbles into Remus’s shoulder, blushing at how childish his phrasing sounds.

Remus snickers, causing Sirius’s flush to redden even darker. “That’s fine; this counter is probably not the most romantic place for a first time anyway.”

Sirius laughs as well, before pulling Remus back down to kiss him again. “We can try other things though,” He amends once they part, feeling nerves flare up in his stomach as he says it. Part of it is anxiety, but a much bigger part is excitement, and that’s the part he focuses on.

Once again Remus gives him an incredibly fond smile and presses a sweet kiss to Sirius’s forehead right between his eyebrows. “As you wish.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot to ask! Is anyone else participating in Camp NaNoWriMo this month? I'm super pumped about it; I've already gotten most of my first chapter for my new novel written. It's going to be my first ever fantasy novel. If you're participating, what kind of stuff are you writing?
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is a chess master. Lily and James get shot at. Sirius is M.I.A.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meant to post this yesterday but I ended up in a circle pit instead. Anybody else deeply and unconditionally in love with Jacoby Shaddix? #paparoachforlife

**Chapter Nine**

_ “I took every chance to lash my tongue _

_ You wore the scabs just like an angel _

_ There’s something about you _

 

_ Horrible things that I have done _

_ Seems this disease is slowly spreading _

_ Start running, what would you do?” _

 

It’s just after dusk when Lily notices the sounds from outside. Sirius is out somewhere, probably with his new boyfriend (he can claim it’s not official all he wants, but Lily pays attention and she knows he spends almost every waking hour at the bookshop when he’s not working). She’s not really doing anything of importance other than lazing around in the lounge off of the cafeteria with Peter, and secretly she’s trying to convince herself that she doesn’t want desperately to go up to the top floor to see James again.

She would be the last to admit how frequently she’s been visiting him in the last few weeks that they’ve been holding him captive, but the proof is in the surveillance footage. Not that Father or anyone else had made any accusations about her intentions, but she herself knows that she isn’t going for the sake of interrogation, and that’s enough to leave a growing pit of guilt building up inside her stomach.

Lily hasn’t even told Sirius that she’s been visiting James almost every day, even though he was able to guess that something is going on with her. Fortunately for Lily her brother has been very distracted as of late. She does hate not being able to hang out with him as much as she used to, but she thinks it’s probably for the best right now as far as her peace of mind goes, because as long as she and James are the only ones who have any idea that she’s coming to visit simply for the fact that she likes being in his presence then that means that it isn’t really real and she actually still loathes James Potter with every fibre of her being.

At first Lily just dismisses the noise as particularly loud street noises; possibly a small traffic jam or the like. She’s not really paying attention since she and Peter are in the midst of a particularly intense game of chess (and while Peter’s not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, he’s surprisingly damn good at the game). Once she starts hearing shouting inside the building however, echoing up from the stairwell nearby, she starts and looks around in confusion.

“What the bloody hell is all that shouting about?” She asks Peter, as if he hasn’t been sitting there across the table from her this whole time and might somehow know something that she doesn’t.

“Fuck if I know,” Peter replies, rising from his seat as his hand goes to the gun on his hip. “Think we should go down there and investigate?”

Lily’s about to agree that they should, when suddenly she’s able to make out a few words of what’s being shouted and it sends an ice cold chill of dread zinging through her body from the top of her head to the tips of her toes.

“The Libs are here?!” She repeats frantically, staring in alarm at Peter for confirmation that she didn’t somehow hear it wrong.

Peter’s face is similarly filled with terror, and he whips his gun out with trembling hands. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck,” He mumbles breathlessly. Peter’s never been much for fighting; his uses generally lie elsewhere, like guarding the holding cells and getaway driving. Lily and Sirius both agree that they wouldn’t trust Peter to guard their backs if their lives depended on it, no matter how much they may love the boy. Lily can see that he’s terrified that he’ll actually have to use his gun for what very well might be the first time.

“Okay, you stay put up here and if anyone from the Libs comes up that stairwell you put a bullet between their eyes,” Lily orders, once she’s able to get her anxiety at the thought of a raid calmed down enough for her to think straight. “I’m going upstairs to the holding cells to make sure the prisoner isn’t involved in this in some way, and to hide him if he’s the reason they’ve come. Shout if you need me and call Sirius and tell him to get his bloody arse back here as soon as he can.”

She stares intently at Peter for a moment, making sure he’s processed her commands. Already there’s colour coming back into his previously alabaster cheeks, and Lily is relieved that being given instructions always calms him down so well. Once she’s sure that he’ll be fine on his own she turns and dashes down the hall to the stairwell leading up.

There’s no one sitting out front of James’s cell, and Lily makes a brief mental note to mention to Father that his poorly trained lackeys seem to feel free to abandon post any time they hear a gun go off. Fortunately (or unfortunately for the genius who is about to lose his job) the key ring is lying on the floor next to the chair, so Lily snatches it up and unlocks the door as fast as she can.

When Lily bursts into the room it’s only to find James hunched over in a corner opposite from the outside wall using the folding metal chair to shield himself. It only takes Lily a second to realise from what; the wall has several bullet holes in it, and she barely manages to suppress a scream when she notices a spot of red on James’s shoulder.

“Oh my god, you’re hurt!” She cries out, rushing over to him in a panic.

“Lily, no!” He shouts. “Get out of here; you’ll get shot!”

Lily ignores him, of course, and when she reaches him he immediately pulls her bodily behind the metal chair with him. She practically screams out loud when a bullet thwacks right into the seat of the chair, knocking it hard against them and sending them both smacking into the wall.

“We have to get the fuck out of here!” She yells over the sounds of gunfire and distant shouting. She doesn’t wait for an answer from James; she just grabs him by his uninjured arm and hauls him as fast as she can out the still open door.

When they’re safely in the hallway Lily slams the door shut behind them and slumps against the wall, sinking slowly to the floor. “Holy shit,” She breathes, wiping a hand over her face. “You know, you’d think being in a gang for ten years would make you grow accustomed to being shot at, but I honestly don’t think that’s something anyone could ever get used to.”

“You’ve been in this gang for ten years?” James questions with shock, and it’s only when she hears his voice that she remembers the dark red stain she’d seen on his dirty, once white t -shirt. Her heart leaps into her throat and she’s back on her feet in an instant, pushing James down into the abandoned chair outside his door.

“How’s the pain? Are you feeling faint or dizzy? How many times did you get hit?” She asks in a rapid-fire fashion, reaching for the hem of his t-shirt and pulling it up over his head without even thinking to ask for permission.

“Damn, buy a guy some dinner first before you just start taking his clothes off,” James jokes, flashing her a weary grin. She looks up at him, unimpressed.

“You had better not be making sex jokes to me at a time like this, James Potter,” She scolds sternly, tugging his arm (only a bit roughly) nearer to her so that she can inspect his injury more closely. Once she uses part of his discarded shirt to wipe off the excess blood it actually doesn’t look too bad; it appears the bullet just barely grazed his shoulder. Nevertheless, she tears off a strip of fabric from the bottom of the shirt to fashion into a bandage to tie tightly around his arm.

“I never thought I’d live to see the day where my sexy nurse Lily Black fantasy came true,” James mutters dazedly, leaning back in his seat with a blissful sort of look on his face.

Lily closes her eyes and counts backward from ten, taking deep breaths. “We both almost just died.” She states matter of factly, opening her eyes once more to make sure that the bandage is tight enough. “I literally was inches away from getting my brains blown out right in front of you, and you really think that now is the right time for you to be making sex jokes?!” Her volume increases as she speaks, and by the time she finishes her sentence she’s practically yelling.

James stares at her in surprise before his expression settles into what Lily struggles to comprehend as a smug smirk. Before she even gets the chance to smack him round the head he replies, “It’s just a coping mechanism, Lils. I handle stressful situations by making jokes.”

“Everything’s a joke to you, you fucking arse,” She snarls, shoving him and standing up, moving away from him before she can get any more violent. She remembers this morning when she finally decided she didn’t hate James Potter anymore like a fond, far away dream, because suddenly every ounce of her loathing comes flooding back into her as all the adrenaline from being shot at starts to fade away. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” She hisses as she paces irately up and down the hallway between James and the stairs. “Sometimes I really can’t stand you.” She pounds her fist ineffectually against the wall as she goes.

It takes her a moment to realise that James has risen from his seat and is standing in front of her when she turns around to pace away from the stairs again. He’s holding his hands up in some sort of silent surrender and, for the first time possibly ever, Lily recognises remorse painted starkly across his features.

“I’m sorry, Lily,” He says, voice so soft she can hardly hear it. She’s also never heard James Potter be quiet a day in his life, and the shock of that alone is enough to stop her in her tracks and pause long enough to let him speak. “I’m so fucking sorry. For everything. I’m sorry I never know when to stop, and how to realise when enough is enough. I’m sorry I say and do stupid, childish things just to piss you off, no matter how fierce and beautiful you look when you’re yelling at me. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to stop myself from acting like a lunatic when all I’m really ever trying to say is how crazy I am about you. I don’t know what else to say, except that I’m sorry that I’ve made you hate me so much.” With that he bows his head and stares down at his feet, giving his toes a melancholy smile like he’s trying to put on a brave face for them.

Lily doesn’t know what to say either. She stares at him for a minute, unable to wrap her head around it all. It’s by far the most mature statement that James has ever made, and she doesn’t really know how to deal with him when he’s not acting like a twelve year old boy. He glances up at her for a moment, and Lily realises that there’s a tension in the set of his shoulders, like he’s waiting for her for to go right back to scolding him no matter what he has to say. And, well, Lily’s never liked the idea that anyone might think they have her all figured out.

James starts dramatically when Lily shoves him against the wall, but it doesn’t take him too terribly long to catch up to her intentions when she grabs the back of his head and roughly pulls him down so her mouth can reach his. “Holy fuck, I must have I died after all,” He breathes against her lips, causing her to snort borderline hysterically.

“Shut up and kiss me, you fucking asshole,” She retorts, to which James more than happily obliges.

James kisses her more enthusiastically than she thinks she’s ever been kissed, and she’s not sure how much of his passion is from adrenaline and how much is from all the built up tension between them. She almost laughs with how surreal it all is, but instead she internally rolls her eyes at herself before burying her fingers in James’s messy black mop of hair and pulling him in closer.

James wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her body tightly to his own, an edge of desperation now making itself apparent in the feel of his mouth. Lily soothes him wordlessly by stroking a thumb over his cheek and he calms slightly, deepening the kiss to something slower yet more intense.

“This is a bad place to be doing this,” Lily says against his mouth after a few minutes, trying to pull James back so she can speak and being largely unsuccessful.

“I don’t care,” James mumbles obstinately, speaking directly against her lips as if physically incapable of separating from her. “You can’t just let me finally get to kiss the woman of my dreams after all this time and then tell me to stop. That train’s already left the station and there ain’t no turning back.”

Lily laughs, pulling back more firmly. Finally James lets her with a dramatic whine of discontent. “Calm down, you big baby. All I’m saying is that we’ve got to find somewhere that no one’s going to accidentally walk in on us.”

James’s eyes light up, and he moves toward the door to his cell before realisation hits. “I don’t suppose there’s still shooting going on outside, is there?”

 

Lily flinches when she remembers that there was actually some crazy shit going on downstairs just a minute ago and she completely lost her senses and neglected her duties as a leader (even if she got demoted, she knows everyone still considers her a leader) and she should probably get back downstairs to make sure that her people aren’t all lying there dead and that there are no Libs coming for her next.

When Lily’s gaze meets James’s again he’s got a gentle smile on his face. “I know, I know. You’ve got to go be the boss lady. I would be saltier except for the fact that I love the image of you bossing people around and taking charge.”

Lily rolls her eyes fondly. “Just let me figure out what’s going on and make sure everyone’s okay. Then I’ll be back.”

James’s grin widens. “Oh you will, will you?”

Lily raises an eyebrow, accompanied by a smirk. “Oh I will. And when I do come back, I definitely won’t be stopping you.” With that, she gives him a suggestive wink that could rival all the best of his own, then turns on heel and walks down the stairs without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick question: would anyone be interested in an explicit scene in the next chapter? I didn't write one initially since I intend to publish this story eventually, but for the purposes of fanfiction I wouldn't mind expanding on certain implications that are going to be made. So yeah if you're interested just let me know and I'll go ahead and write it up :)
> 
> And as always, thanks for reading!


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye plays faintly in the distance]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow sorry for the super long wait between updates, guys. I've had a super busy couple weeks, and while it normally only takes a few minutes for me to post a new chapter, this one took a little longer because of the extra scene I wrote. Hopefully it was worth it :P
> 
> And next chapter I'll surely be back to your regularly scheduled programming of updated every other day or so.

**Chapter Ten**

_ “You’ve let the stars suck you in _

_ Hold tight the night’s air and breathe again _

_ Let go an be burnt by the moon _

_ Your hands full of feeling _

_ Your true love, believe _

_ One more time to say I love you always _

_ And keeping faith, letting love find a way” _

 

“So just out of curiosity, on average how many of your customers hit on you in a week?” Sirius asks idly, lounging in one of the squishy arm chairs as Remus shelves book nearby. “I would guess all of them, but I’ve seen your extensive lesbian fiction section so I know a fair few of them are simply unable to see how devastatingly sexy you are.”

Remus snorts out a laugh. “Yeah, Sirius; I’m sure only lesbians are capable of not being attracted to me.”

“Damn them; they have far too much power,” Sirius mutters, pretending to wring his hands together in distress.

Remus rolls his eyes with a chuckle before setting down the book that he was holding and making his way over to Sirius in order to plop down into his lap. “Did you come here just to distract me with your ridiculous conspiracy theories?” He asks, pressing a kiss to Sirius’s nose. “Because if so, please consider your mission accomplished; you have thoroughly distracted me.”

Sirius shoots him a pleased grin. “That was only a secondary goal for the day. My intended purpose was simply to bask in the presence of your glorious physique.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure,” Remus replies with a laugh. He kisses Sirius’s nose again. “You are truly ridiculous. Why have I not filed a restraining order yet?”

“Because you think I’m cute,” Sirius counters, beaming at him sunnily. “And you’re not wrong about it either.”

Remus shakes his head, unable to keep the positively enamoured smile off his face. He heaves himself up out of Sirius’s lap, despite his protests and attempts to drag Remus back down. “I do have a job to do, you know,” Remus reminds him, tangling his fingers with Sirius’s briefly before pulling away. “You could always come help me with it. If I can get it done faster then we’ll have time to go make out in the back room before Mrs. Jacobs comes in to pick up that book she ordered.”

Sirius is up out of his seat in an instant, grabbing Remus around the waist to drag him back to the box of books. “Damn, if I had you around in high school to motivate me I might actually have been able to graduate,” He jokes, hurriedly picking books up off the cart and sliding them into their proper spots, no matter how bad his urge is to just put them all in the first spot he finds to speed things along.

“If I see a single book out of place - ” Remus warns, but Sirius distracts him by pressing a kiss to his mouth while he shoves a book into a random spot just to satisfy the temptation.

“I would never do such a thing,” Sirius insists, kissing him once more for good measure. Kissing Remus is kind of addicting, and now that he’s allowed himself to do it he finds himself frequently unable and constantly unwilling to stop. “Mostly because I know you’d make me do them all over again and that would significantly decrease the allotted back room make out time.”

“Too fucking true,” Remus agrees with a laugh. “We may have only known each other for a few weeks but you already know me a little too well.”

“What can I say?” Sirius says with mock seriousness. “I was made for you.”

Remus’s mouth twists as he clearly tries to disguise a grin, and he shoves another book into Sirius’s arms. “Get to work, you dweeb.”

“As you wish,” Sirius quips, flashing the front cover of the book around toward Remus to reveal a copy of The Princess Bride. Remus sighs in mock exasperation.

“You’re nothing but a handful,” Remus gripes. “What on earth have I gotten myself into?”

“The best relationship of your life,” Sirius counters, moving forward to plant another kiss on Remus’s mouth. “Sorry I’m so irresistible; I just can’t help myself.”

“I can’t stand you,” Remus replies, even as he pulls Sirius back in for another kiss. “You’re going to be the death of me.”

“Well the French do call the feeling after an orgasm ‘la petite mort’ so maybe you’re right,” Sirius teases lowly, a sly smirk spreading slowly over his face.

Remus groans, tugging Sirius back in once more. “You’re also going to be the death of my business,” He notes as he pulls away. He then moves swiftly over to the front door, clicking the lock shut hurriedly and whipping around to rush back over to Sirius and shove him up against a nearby bookshelf.

Sirius sucks in a surprised breath at the abruptness, but grins at Remus with satisfaction. “I told you I was irresistible,” he jokes, pressing another quick kiss to Remus’s lips.

Remus just rolls his eyes. “Shut up and kiss me, you fool.” Which is exactly what Sirius does.

\--

“You have got to be kidding me,” Sirius groans, grabbing at Remus despite the other man’s attempts to move away from him.

Remus laughs. “Come on, drama queen. It’ll take five minutes, and then I’m all yours for the rest of the evening.”

“You’d better be,” Sirius pouts as Remus slips his shirt back on over his head. “I wasn’t nearly finished with you yet.”

“Is that a threat or a promise?” Remus asks with a smirk, then darts back in to plant a kiss on Sirius’ mouth before turning to leave the room. Sirius hears him call out a greeting to Mrs. Jacobs once he’s back in the main area, and he scoots back to seat himself more fully on the desk while he waits. Things had just been getting good when they heard the chiming of the bell over the front door and the tell tale voice of one of the book shop’s most frequent customers looking for Remus. Fortunately she had told him last week when she’d ordered the book that she was picking it up on the way to her grandson’s birthday party, so she wouldn’t be able to stop and chat as long as she usually did. Sirius is more than okay with that.

As it is, it doesn’t take long before Sirius hears the bell ringing again, and within seconds Remus returns, kicking the door shut behind him.

“I closed up for the night,” he informs Sirius as he moves toward him, and Sirius is pleased to see his signature wicked smile gracing his face. “Like I said, I’m all yours for the rest of the evening.”

“Well thank god for that,” Sirius replies, putting his arms around Remus’ neck and pulling him in close. “Let’s go upstairs,” he breathes against the other man’s lips.

Remus pulls back just slightly so he can look Sirius in the eyes. “Yeah?” He asks, and Sirius can tell what he’s not asking just by the look in his eyes.

“Yeah,” Sirius smiles.

\--

They practically fall through the door to Remus’ room in a graceless heap, and it’s only Sirius’ quick reflexes that manage to keep them upright and caught against the door frame. “Looks like you’re the one who’s trying to be the death of me,” he laughs into Remus’ neck before planting a few open-mouthed kisses there. “Let’s at least try to make it to the bed. Not that I’m horribly opposed to doing it up against the door, but I thought for our first time we could try something a bit more romantic.”

Remus makes a noise that’s somewhere between a laugh and a moan. “If you don’t shut up and get naked -” he starts, but Sirius cuts him off with his lips.

“Why don’t  _ you _ shut up and get naked,” Sirius mumbles against Remus’ cheek as he trails sloppy kisses from mouth to ear, then down his neck towards his collar bones.

Remus laughs again and pulls back far enough that Sirius’ mouth is no longer on him. “How about we both shut up and get naked?”

Sirius sighs. “Fine. But you’d better make it snappy because if it takes you any longer than the next allotted five seconds I’ll have to get handsy.” And here he stops, because he realises that Remus has already stripped himself down to his boxers. “Well, shit.”

“You forgot the first half of the instructions, and thus you failed to follow the second half,” Remus smirks. “Let me help you with that.”

Sirius’ laugh in response quickly turns into a moan when Remus begins sucking at the juncture of his neck while he swiftly undoes Sirius’ belt and begins to shimmy his jeans down his thighs. He pulls away very briefly, but once he’s tugged Sirius’ shirt over his head he latches back on to the other side of Sirius’ neck. 

“Fuck,” Sirius breathes, fisting a hand in Remus’ mussed hair. “You’re going to leave a bruise if you keep that up.”

“Doesn’t seem like you’re all that opposed to it,” Remus replies, and Sirius can feel his smile against his skin. 

“You got me there,” Sirius shrugs before using the fingers that are tangled in Remus’ hair to pull him in for a kiss.

As they’re kissing Remus tightens his hold around Sirius’ waist and begins walking them backwards toward the bed. He falls down on top of the sheets, pulling Sirius with him, and Sirius lets out a small “oof” at the landing.

“You alright?” Remus asks, scooting up the bed with Sirius still on top of him so that they fall to rest against the pillows. “I didn’t intend for such an abrupt landing.”

Sirius grins slyly. “I would be better if you were in me.”

Remus practically chokes on his own tongue before his surprise gives way to laughter. “Quite direct of you. I do love a man who knows what he wants.”

Sirius laughs as well before placing a quick kiss on Remus’ mouth and rolling them over, bringing Remus to hover over him. “I want  _ you _ .”

Remus bends down slightly to press their foreheads together, eyes closing. “And I want you. More than I’ve ever wanted anyone else.”

Words give way to slow, burning, open-mouthed kisses, and after Sirius wraps his legs around Remus’ waist their hips begin to move in time with each other. One of Remus’ hands slides around Sirius’ back before dropping down to his arse, and Sirius groans into his mouth. “Do you have stuff?” Sirius murmurs against his lips, scratching the nails of his right hand down Remus’ back impotently, the desire to move on to something more quickly overwhelming him.

Remus snorts. “I’m a gay man. Obviously I have ‘stuff.’ Shall I fetch it?”

Sirius groans again. “I should’ve known you’d be just as much of a tease in bed as you are anywhere else. If you don’t hurry up I’m going to lose my mind.”

Remus presses one more laughing kiss to Sirius’ mouth before rising up onto his knees and reaching over to tug open the top drawer of his bedside table and pull out a small bottle and a foil package. “So what do you think, handsome?” Remus asks as he drops the items on the bed next to them and leans back down. “You want top or bottom?”

Sirius gulps. “I’m not entirely sure what you mean by that,” he replies quietly, curling his fingers tensely against Remus’ back. “I’m still new to this, remember?”

Remus smiles fondly and drops a few kisses onto Sirius’ cheek. “I mean, do you want to fuck or be fucked?” He murmurs into Sirius’ ear, teeth catching teasingly on the lobe.

A shudder ripples through Sirius’ body, and his hold on Remus tightens as he closes his eyes. “I want you to fuck me,” he breathes. “Please, Remus.”

“You’re going to have to get out of your pants first, dear,” Remus reminds him with a chuckle before going back to work on the bruise that’s now blooming starkly against the pale skin of Sirius’ neck.

“Fuck em, get them off,” Sirius retorts almost feverishly, and he squirms around in place trying to get his pants off without dislodging Remus from on top of him. He somehow manages it in a surprisingly brief amount of time, and then goes to tug Remus’ boxers down as well, who helps out by kicking them off after Sirius gets them down around his ankles.

Sirius gasps audibly when he feels the initial press of their hardened lengths together. Though they had gotten to the point where hand jobs and blow jobs weren’t exactly uncommon for them, they’d never done this before. They’d never been fully unclothed together before, just skin against sweat-soaked skin sliding together in a perfect rhythm. It’s almost enough to distract him from where they’re going, but after a few minutes filled with the steady rocking of hips he comes back to himself enough to reach down to hold Remus by the waist and stop him in his tracks.

“If you keep that up I’m going to come soon,” He says breathlessly, running a shaking hand through his now damp hair. “Suppose we ought to move along to the main event.”

“You sound so proper,” Remus teases with a wicked grin. “Say it like you mean it.”

Sirius exhales heavily and clenches his jaw in some attempt to regain control of his wildly racing pulse. “If you don’t put your cock in me in the next minute I’m going to go mad,” He grits out, tightening his fingers in Remus’ hair and giving his best attempt at a stern expression.

“Fuck,” Remus breathes, biting down on Sirius’ lip. “Alright, hang on. I’m going to stretch you first, okay?”

Sirius swallows hard and takes a deep breath. “You mean with your fingers, right? Do you have to?”

Remus smiles down at him fondly and brushes a stray lock of hair off his forehead. “Well if I didn’t stretch you first you wouldn’t enjoy the rest of it very much. And I don’t know about you, but half the fun of sex for me is knowing that my partner is enjoying himself too.”

Sirius exhales a soft laugh through his nose and smiles sheepishly. “Alright, fine. Do your worst.”

Remus takes his time stretching Sirius, spending several minutes every time he adds a new finger. Sirius can’t deny that with each additional finger he feels a brief, sharp sting, but Remus is gentle and patient, and waits until the stinging is just a fading memory before adding another finger. Before he adds a third finger he makes his way down Sirius’ body, peppering kisses over his skin as he does, and as he slowly slides three fingers inside he takes Sirius in his mouth, causing the other man to completely miss the stinging sensation as he throws his head back and moans in surprise.

It doesn’t take long before Sirius is practically writhing beneath Remus, and he has to bite his lip to keep from begging Remus to just fuck him already. Objectively he can appreciate how gentle Remus is being with him, given that it’s his first time with another man, but on the flip side, it’s not like he’s completely a virgin, and patience has never been his strong suit. 

“Will you get on with it already,” He finally says, hips bucking slightly as if they aren’t sure whether to thrust up into Remus’ mouth or back onto his fingers. “This has got to be good enough and I’m about to explode.”

Remus laughs breathlessly around his cock before pulling off, making Sirius half regret telling him to stop. But then Remus is opening the condom wrapper with his teeth and rolling it on, and all Sirius can think about as Remus takes a handful of lube and slicks himself up is getting Remus inside him.

Remus hovers over Sirius on his elbows, gazing down into his eyes as Sirius wraps his legs back around Remus’ waist and lines them up. “Hang on,” Remus pants, holding Sirius’ straining hips against the bed. “Are you sure you’re ready? Do you feel stretched enough?”

“Oh my god,” Sirius practically whines, bucking his hips ineffectually against Remus’ firm hands. “I’m fine. Just fuck me already.”

Remus rolls his eyes fondly at the other man. “As you wish,” he replies. Then he slowly begins to push inside.

Sirius’ first thought is that there’s no way that Remus’ entire cock is going to fit inside him. He doesn’t know how other people do it, because it’s got to be impossible. “Holy fuck,” He breathes, clenching his eyes shut tightly and biting his lip hard. “How the fuck can I get your dick down my throat but not up my arse?”

Remus snorts, dropping his head down on Sirius’ shoulder. “I’m sorry, baby, I should’ve stretched you more. Do you want me to stop?”

Sirius grabs his shoulders and tightens his legs around Remus’ waist. “Don’t you dare,” he practically hisses, rocking back to take more of Remus’ prick inside of him and trying not to wince as the stinging intensifies. “We’ve gotten this far and we’re not back-tracking.”

“Fine,” Remus retorts, pressing a kiss to Sirius’ cheek. “Just give it a minute; you’ll get used to the feeling. Let me know when you’re ready and I’ll start moving. It’ll get better after that.”

“Start moving  _ now _ ,” Sirius insists, bucking his hips again. “I know I’ve got a prostate in there somewhere and I’m counting on you to find it, stat.”

Remus laughs and kisses him again before he slowly pulls out, just enough that just the tip is left inside, before he thrusts forward in a slow, smooth motion to bury himself even more fully in Sirius’ arse. Sirius gasps loudly, looking up at Remus with wide eyes. “Really?” Remus asks, trying not to smirk. “On my first try? I’m impressed with myself, I gotta say.”

Sirius rolls his eyes and grabs Remus’ arse, trying to manhandle another thrust out of him. “Shut the fuck up and do that again.”

They quickly build up a rhythm, and Sirius is glad to find that the pain of the initial breach has slipped away beneath the pleasure of Remus hitting his prostate with every thrust. Remus soon takes Sirius’ cock in his hand and starts jerking him in time with the movement of their hips, and it’s not long before Sirius gasps out between hot, messy kisses that he’s about to come.

“Come for me, then,” Remus whispers against his mouth, biting down on his lip as he pulls away. “Come on, baby.”

Sirius does, eyes rolling back in his head and a scream getting trapped somewhere in his throat. He can feel himself clenching sporadically around Remus’ cock through the waves of white hot pleasure that are coursing through him, and after a few seconds he feels Remus come as well, arms shaking in their places beside Sirius’ head before he collapses slightly onto Sirius’ chest.

When Sirius’ heart rate finally slows a bit he cracks open his eyes to peer blearily down at Remus, whose head is resting on his shoulder. Remus smiles up at him and grabs Sirius’ hand, tangling their fingers together and resting their hands on the pillow. “Well?” He asks, stroking his thumb gently over Sirius’ thumb, “How was it?”

Sirius lets out a snort before rolling them over and pinning Remus beneath him, regretfully letting Remus’ softening prick slip out of him. “You better rest up,” he replies, pressing a kiss to Remus’ nose, “Because I’m going to make you do that to me at least five more times before we go to bed.”

Remus laughs, a wide smile spreading across his face, before he pulls Sirius down into a kiss.

\--

It’s maybe an hour later when Sirius gets the phone call. He’s dozing in Remus’ bed, covered only by a soft white sheet, when he’s abruptly startled back from the brink of slipping into dreams by the shrill ringing.

“I don’t know who the fuck that is, but tell them to fuck off,” Remus mumbles sleepily from beneath Sirius, who had been using his bare chest as a pillow. “Or tell them you’re very busy having the best sex of your life.”

Sirius snorts. “I thought we had already moved on to the best post-coital nap of my life.”

“Sure, yeah, whatever. Just shut that damn thing off,” Remus counters, sounding as if he’s falling back asleep as he says the words. Sirius just smiles fondly at him and sits up to check his phone.

It takes him a good few seconds to find it in the pocket of his jeans, since they’re across the room, and once he fishes it out he realises it’s Peter calling him.

“What’s up, Pete?” He asks as casually as he can manage when he flips his phone open. In the background he can hear faint screams and what sounds like gunfire, and his brow furrows in concern. “What’s going on? What’s all that noise?”

“The Libs are here!” Peter practically shouts into the phone, sounding frantic. “They’re shooting up the building and Lily thinks they’re going to try and come in and she left me here by myself and I’ve never shot a gun before Sirius, oh God I’m gonna get killed; where are you, Sirius? We need you here!”

“Peter, Peter, slow down,” Sirius commands, knowing how Peter gets when he has to make decisions for himself. “Where did Lily go? Is she alright?”

“I think so,” Peter’s voice is trembling dangerously, but Sirius doesn’t have the patience to feel sympathy for him when the fate of his sister’s life is uncertain. “She went upstairs to do something with the Lib prisoner; I can’t remember what exactly.”

“Son of a bitch, of course she did,” Sirius mutters to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose and beginning to pace back and forth, trying his best not to look at Remus, who’s now sitting up in bed and watching him with an expression full of both confusion and curiosity. “Listen, you sit tight and do whatever it is that Lily told you to do. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” With that he hangs up and turns to look regretfully at Remus.

“I’m afraid I have to go,” He tells him, as if it wasn’t clear from the conversation he just overheard. “There’s been an emergency situation at work and I’ve got to get down there. I’m really sorry though. Please know that there’s nothing I’d rather do than stay in bed with you for the rest of the day and not have to deal with this.”

Remus smiles at him warmly. “It’s alright, love. You do what you’ve got to do.”

Sirius dresses quickly, despite the longing in his chest to get back into bed with Remus and never leave again. Once he’s tied up his boots and slung his jacket back around his shoulders he moves over to Remus, who’s already started drifting off to sleep again. “Thanks for the best sex of my life,” He teases in a whisper, pressing a soft kiss to Remus’s half parted lips.

“You’re so welcome,” Remus jokes back, reaching up surprisingly quickly considering his half asleep state to wrap his arms around Sirius’s neck and hold him there for a few seconds, as if he can’t bear to let him go. “Sorry about the difficulty you’re going to have with walking for the next day or two.”

“Oh my god,” Sirius whines in protest, pulling away from him and making a face. “I hate you.”

Remus just laughs softly for a moment, before the sound eventually fades back into the heavy breathing of sleep. Sirius smiles down at him fondly for a moment and drops one more kiss to his forehead before he hurries out of the bedroom and down the stairs, exiting the flat and emerging into the fading light of dusk.

\--

When Sirius arrives back at headquarters he’s met with a surprising silence. He looks around warily as he walks up the street toward the building, but he doesn’t see a sign of anyone else around. When he gets closer to the building, however, he notices that the walls are riddled with bullet holes, the front door has been smashed in, and there are bits and pieces of the walls that have started to cave. “Holy shit,” He breathes to himself as he slowly approaches.

He had tried to call Lily on his way back but she hadn’t answered her phone. He tried not to let his mind instantly race to the worst case scenario, but it was not an easy feat. So naturally his first goal on arrival is to locate Lily as quickly as possible and make sure that she’s okay.

There’s no sign of anyone else in the rooms on the first floor. They don’t do a lot of business down there anyway; it’s set up like a dingy restaurant so that if anyone ever accidentally comes in that doesn’t need to know exactly what the building is really used for they have an explanation as to why there are always people going in and out. How the Libs found it Sirius isn’t really sure, but if there’s a rat in their midst somewhere he knows he and Lily will find them and smoke them out.

When Sirius makes it to the second floor his first stop is the cafeteria. It’s the biggest room in the building and would frequently be used as a hospital wing in the event of an exorbitant amount of injuries. Inside the room most of the gang is gathered, not including the Core Four and, of course, Lily.

Peter, who is sitting across the room looking ashen faced and shaken up, instantly spots Sirius come in and hops up to dash over to him. “Sirius! Thank God you’re here!”

Sirius comes to a stop when Peter is standing in front of him. “Where’s Lily?” He demands, face growing hard at the thought of something having happened to her. He would single-handedly kill all the Libs if they had so much as harmed a hair on her head.

“I don’t know!” Peter exclaims, and Sirius wishes idly that Peter would calm down now that all the excitement, so to speak, is over. “Last time I saw her was in the lounge, right when we first heard all the shouting and gunshots. She told me to stay here and watch the stairwell and that she was going up to do something with the prisoner.”

Sirius heaves a sigh. “I’m going up there to look for her. I doubt she would’ve left him alone and defenceless.” Peter nods, and Sirius strides away without saying another word.

Of  _ course _ Lily went off after bloody James when she heard that there was trouble. Sirius doesn’t think he ever expected anything less, but it still annoys him all the same. Lily can claim to hate James all she wants, but in the end Sirius knows that she’s just been lying to herself all along. Of course her first instinct was to rush off to protect him.

He climbs the stairway slowly, not sure what he should be preparing himself to find upon his arrival. He can’t remember if the bullets in the walls outside had reached all the way up to the third floor, but he can’t imagine why anything but an injury of some kind would delay Lily from coming back downstairs once the fighting was over.

Once Sirius enters James’s holding cell, however, he wishes that he’d never thought to check and had just let Lily take her sweet time coming back. He shrieks, backing out of the room as quickly as he can and slams the door shut. He frantically tries to remember whether there’s any bleach around the building somewhere, because he’s going to have to wash his eyes with it at least a hundred times. “Holy fuck,” He practically whimpers, feeling bile rise in his throat.

Suddenly the door reopens and Lily pops through. Her clothes have clearly been thrown on in a haste, as her jeans are unzipped and her shirt is on inside out. “I’m gonna be sick,” Sirius moans, closing his eyes and burying his face in his hands.

“Oh please,” Lily scoffs, causing Sirius to peek up from his hands for a moment in confusion. “You barely saw anything. I know you didn’t because James was on top of me and still had his trousers mostly on.”

“Stop!” Sirius hollers, putting his hands over his ears and turning his back to her so he won’t have to meet her eyes. “Why would you do this to me?”

Lily laughs a bit. “You can’t say shit, Siri, you were just having sex too, after all. Next time tell your boyfriend to be more discreet with the placement of his love bites. And I can totally tell that you’re walking funny.”

“Why is this happening to me?” Sirius asks in a helpless voice, gazing up at the ceiling with his hands spread wide. “Why, God? Why?”

With a chuckle, Lily shoves Sirius’s shoulder lightly. “Anyway, moving right along. What’re you doing up here?”

Sirius is still unable to turn and face his sister. “Peter told me he hadn’t seen you in awhile so naturally I became concerned and came looking for you to make sure you weren’t lying dead somewhere or something.” His joke about la petite mort pops back into his brain like some sort of horrific self sabotage, and he slaps himself in the face and seriously considers lighting himself on fire.

“I think you’re getting a little bit too upset about all this,” Lily comments, grabbing his arm and turning him forcefully. “I’m sorry you had to see that, but it’s going to be okay. You knew already that he and I have done it before, anyway.”

“There’s a difference between knowing and seeing, though,” Sirius whines, pouting a little bit and crossing his arms across his chest. “And I could’ve gone my entire life without seeing that.”

Lily sighs. “I know, Siri. I really am sorry. I would’ve put a sock on the door or something if I had known you were going to come looking for me. I guess I should’ve figured you would since I told Peter to call you and tell you to get down here. But to be fair, please believe me when I tell you that that was the last thing I ever intended to happen with him.”

“Well yeah, I kind of figured as much,” Sirius replies, face finally breaking into a small smile. “Seeing as the last time I talked to you all you wanted to say on the subject was how much you absolutely loathed him.’

“I still loathe him,” Lily grumbles, scowling. Sirius laughs.

“Sure, you do,” He replies sarcastically, with a mischievous grin. “The same amount that you’ve always loathed him. Which is to say, not at all.”

He turns to start heading back down the stairs, still laughing. “What is that supposed to mean?” Lily calls after him, and he doesn’t answer. “Sirius! What does that even mean?” Sirius just shakes his head and has to wonder how his sister can still be so oblivious to her own feelings after all of this.

\--

Sirius stops back by the cafeteria before he heads back out. He can’t decide if he wants to go home or see if Remus will let him come spend the night with him. He smiles to himself at the memory of this afternoon, even as he feels a light blush begin to creep over his face. While it had been nothing like Sirius had expected, it had been, despite Remus’s jesting, the best sex of his life. He doesn’t know whether that has anything to do with Remus being a man, but he does know that a large part of it being so wonderful was simply based on the fact that he was with someone he has a genuine connection with and someone that he truly cares about. He’s never really felt this way about another person before, and while he knows it’s much too soon to call it love, it’s also something a little more than simple attraction, but he can’t seem to explain it to himself beyond that. He decides to call Remus once he leaves.

When he walks back into the cafeteria Peter is once more waiting for his arrival. “Sirius, did you find her?” He calls, hurrying over once again. “She didn’t come in here while you were gone so I was hoping she was with you but now you’re back by yourself so I really don’t know where else she could have gone--”

“Peter,” Sirius interrupts, holding a hand up to stop the other man’s nonstop stream of words. “It’s alright. I found her upstairs, safe and sound. I believe the prisoner has a minor injury that she’s tending to right now. She asked me to tell you to make sure they’re left alone for now while she makes sure his wound is properly taken care of.”

“Sure thing, boss man,” Peter replies with a joking salute. Sirius’s answering grin slides quickly from his face when he hears the voice of one of his least favourite people in the world come from behind him.

“Pettigrew, I do believe that you were informed about young Sirius’…unfortunate demotion, were you not?” Snape asks, coming up alongside Sirius as if he’s a welcome member of the group. Sirius is only mildly successful about restraining himself from sneering at the man. “While I’m aware that your simple, child’s brain makes some things difficult to comprehend, surely you were able to properly deduce that Sirius is no longer your…how did you put it? ‘Boss man’?”

Sirius can practically feel goosebumps rising over his skin with how much he loathes the man. “Fuck off, Snape,” He snaps, shooting a foul glare at the man. “Peter is a better man than you could ever dream of being. Insult him in front of me one more time and you’ll see how quick I can dispose of a body. Well, I guess you technically won’t be able to see it, will you?”

Snape raises an eyebrow smugly, not taking Sirius’s threat nearly as seriously as he had intended it. “Oh yes, young Sirius, your father was just mentioning to me the other day how he wishes for you to work on your impulse control. Pity you refuse to even try. Unless, of course, this is you trying. That would be almost too pathetic to bear.”

As is usual for Sirius any time he’s around the other man, he struggles dearly with the urge to punch Snape square in the face. It’s bad enough that the man has been making Lily uncomfortable for the last ten years with his passes at her and his inappropriate comments and his creepy staring at her, but ever since she and Sirius had become field leaders he’s been bitterly jealous of their position and picks fights with Sirius at almost every chance he gets. Sirius has to laugh sometimes that Snape is even included in the Core Four, because despite his ass kissing nature toward their father and the fact that he’s privy to much more information than most of the rest of the gang, he’s not by any means in a respected position among the gang; he is merely Father’s lap dog, the same way that Bella is his guard dog. Despite how self important Snape likes to act he knows that everyone is well aware that he’s just Father’s little errand boy, and he can’t stand it.

“As much as I would love to stand here and squabble with you about how jealous you are of me,” Sirius sighs in a dismissive sort of way, “I actually have places to go, things to do, and people to see. And I’m sure Father’s got all sorts of chores for you to be doing right now anyway. I can imagine he’s very stressed out about this whole getting shot up thing; why don’t you go mix him a drink to calm his nerves?”

Snape practically bares his teeth at him in fury, and that’s good enough for Sirius to walk away feeling as though he’s gotten the last word in. He gives Snape his most winning smile and turns on heel, marching away. Peter calls after him but he doesn’t answer. If Peter truly needs something he has Sirius’s phone number, and more than likely he just wants to make peace because he can’t stand when people fight around him. Sirius huffs a quiet laugh. Funny that Peter ended up in a gang given his pacifist nature.

When Sirius has made it down the stairs and out of the building he begins to make his way to the Underground, pulling his phone out of his pocket as he goes. Remus answers after only the second ring with a sarcastic, “Sirius, it’s been far too long!”

Sirius laughs, mood instantly brightening despite his confrontation with Snape and the things he had unfortunately witnessed with Lily and James. “It really has,” Sirius agrees, not actually sure how much he’s joking in return. He’s never imagined himself as part of a couple that can’t stand to be apart for more than a few minutes at a time, but he thinks he’s starting to get it now and he’s thoroughly disgusted with himself. “Are you busy right now?”

Remus snorts. “Yup. Super busy. It’s been a wild hour of laying around in bed watching TV and waiting for you to call and ask if you can come back over.”

Sirius frowns at his phone for a moment. “How did you know I was going to ask that?” He questions confusedly.

“Well I guess I didn’t know until you actually called, but I may have had my hopes up,” Remus admits, and Sirius can practically hear the smile through the phone. “You want to spend the night?”

Sirius grins to himself as he climbs down the stairs to the tube. “Well, Mister Psychic, I expect you already know the answer to that. I’ll just need to call Lily and tell her I won’t be coming home tonight.”

This time Sirius can definitely hear the mischievous smirk in Remus’s voice. “Tell her you won’t be home most of tomorrow either.”

Sirius’ mouth instantly goes dry. “How can I resist an invitation like that?” He manages to breathe out, and isn’t even embarrassed with how apparent it is in his tone that he’s eager he is about the idea.

“I guess you really can’t,” Remus muses. “I’ll see you in a bit?”

“Oh definitely,” Sirius replies with a smile. He hangs up and has to resist the urge to grin stupidly down at his phone. It’s honestly ridiculous how much he likes Remus already, but he can’t seem to bring himself to care all that much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? I'm hoping it wasn't too cringy considering the last time I wrote an explicit scene was about six years ago. I also sent my ex-wife (slash best friend) about a thousand texts for emotional support because I was giving myself secondhand embarrassment just writing it. In her immortal words, "BETTER THAN THROBBING MEMBER."
> 
> As always, thanks for reading :)


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius drops a bomb. Lily handles it poorly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday, have a new chapter to tide you over from how sucky Mondays are. Sorry this one's so short D:

**Chapter Eleven**

_ “Exercise the demon that is living up inside you _

_ After all you think you’ve been through just what have you been through? _

_ Try to get beside yourself this tearing at your insides _

_ If you end up on the wrong side, always standing so strong _

 

_ Sharpen up your teeth your dreams are more than worth defending _

_ In a fight that’s never-ending go on, go ahead and prove me wrong” _

 

Two days later Sirius and Lily are lounging around their flat watching trashy American television and smoking (Lily had finally broken down and agreed that they could start again because she can’t handle the stress of everything going on between her and James without them) when Sirius drops what Lily considers to be the biggest bomb she’s ever heard out of him on her.

“So I think I’m going to quit,” Sirius says offhandedly, not even glancing at her as he casually leans forward to deposit ash into the ashtray on the coffee table. He leaves it at that, and it takes Lily a long minute to follow.

“Quit?” She questions, turning to look at him, brow furrowed quizzically. “Quit what? Smoking? I thought we were done trying to quit for now?”

Sirius chuckles. “No, dummy. I meant I’m going to quit working for Father.” He leans back in his seat again and stares at the television.

It takes Lily another moment to even begin to process this. “What are you talking about?” She finally asks. “You’re not going to quit the gang.”

“Yeah, I really think I am,” Sirius replies, finally turning to look at her with an uncharacteristically sombre expression on his face. “I’ve had enough of this shit and I can’t put up with it anymore and this was never the life I wanted to live.”

Lily just stares, blinking wordlessly. “I don’t even know what to say. We’ve been doing this for ten years, Siri. It’s all we know. What else are you going to do? You won’t be able to live here anymore; Father will have Tom kick you out immediately. Only members are allowed to live in this building, or have you forgotten?”

Sirius rolls his eyes. “I’m not an idiot, Lil; I know that. I’ve been talking to Remus about it a little bit and he thinks we’ve devised a pretty good plan.” At her alarmed expression Sirius raises his hands to calm her. “Relax, I didn’t tell him what we do. I told him I work for my father at a law firm, and then I told him all about the kind of person Father is, and he helped me come up with something. I’ve been saving, and I have enough money to make a down payment on a flat that’s for rent a few blocks away from Remus’s. Don’t worry; it’s not in Lib territory. Trust me, I checked. Remus is going to let me work in the bookshop for a while; at least until I can find something else. He said he wouldn’t mind keeping me on for as long as I want to work there, but I didn’t want to take advantage of him. Plus it seems kind of weird to me to have your boyfriend signing your paychecks, you know?”

Lily’s face is slowly hardening, and Sirius’s stomach starts to lurch slightly with nerves. He knew Lily wouldn’t be thrilled about it, but he had hoped that maybe she would be happy for him for getting out of what they both know is a bad situation. He gives her a hopeful smile. “Come on Lil, don’t be mad. It’s going to be good for me to get out of there, don’t you think?”

Lily rolls her eyes and shoots him a nasty glare. “No that’s just fine, Sirius. You go right ahead and run away. You just worry about yourself. Don’t give me or James a second thought.”

Sirius’s smile drops, and he’s pretty sure his stomach does too. “Lily, no! That’s not what I meant at all. You can come with me if you want.”

Lily scoffs spitefully. “Yeah, I’m sure your boyfriend would just love to harbour your criminal sister alongside of you. Who, by the way, has been helping hold his brother captive for a month. Have you happened to mention that to him yet, by the way? Seems like something you generally tell someone you’re dating. ‘Oh hey babe, no big deal or anything but the gang I’m in kidnapped your brother and has been torturing him for weeks. Thought you might want to know.’”

“Why are you being like this?” Sirius can’t help but ask, feeling shocked. “Would you rather I stay and be miserable for the rest of my life? If I don’t get killed first?”

Lily’s standing up now and has begun pacing back and forth behind the sofa. “You’re going to get killed if you do leave, you fucking moron. Father will come after you as soon as he finds out.”

“He didn’t do anything when you took that break,” Sirius reminds her, trying to be optimistic when he feels anything but. “He just pouted and yelled a lot.”

Lily drags her hands roughly through her hair. “That was completely different and you know it. First of all, I had stormed out in a fight with him and he knew that I would be back eventually. And second of all, things have always been different between you two and you know it.”

With a sigh, Sirius tips his head against the back of the sofa and closes his eyes. “I do know,” He finally consents, opening his eyes to stare up at the ceiling. “But what else would you have me do? I can’t be around him anymore. I need a clean break from him if I’m ever going to get past all the damage he’s done to me. I really care about Remus, but after everything Father’s put me through it’s causing me to hold back from him. He deserves better, and I think I might too. I have to do this.”

Lily’s leaning against the wall now, staring at Sirius with immeasurable sadness in her blazing emerald eyes. “But what about me?” She whispers.

“Come with me,” He pleads again, standing up to move toward her and take her hands, but she pushes him away and turns her back on him.

“I can’t,” She breathes, and before he can say anything more she storms away to her room and slams the door behind her.

\--

As soon as Sirius gets to Remus’s flat the other man is gently guiding him into an armchair and rushing from the room to put on a kettle. Sirius is silently grateful, even as he knows he looks like hell and Remus can clearly see that something is wrong.

When Remus comes back into the room a few minutes later with two steaming mugs clutched in his hands Sirius looks up at him and tries to give him a smile. It’s half-hearted at best, and Remus can tell. He sets the two mugs on the end table next to the chair and sits in Sirius’s lap, wrapping his arms around Sirius’s neck and pressing a firm kiss to his temple. “What happened?”

Sirius sighs, burying his face in Remus’s shoulder. “I told Lily I was quitting and moving out today and she totally freaked out,” He mumbles into the soft fabric of his t-shirt, squeezing his eyes tight to keep his tears at bay. “I don’t understand why she’s so upset. She’s seen first hand what my father’s done to me. She even stopped working for him herself for awhile because they fought over me. I just don’t understand.”

With a sympathetic sigh Remus pulls him closer and runs his fingers gently through Sirius’s hair. Sirius slowly starts to feel himself calming down. “I’m so sorry, love. I don’t know why it could possibly have upset her so much, but you’re doing the right thing for yourself and I can only hope that one day soon she’ll come around and realise that.”

Sirius pulls Remus closer to him and stays quiet for a minute, doing his best to take deep, calming breaths instead of getting upset again. “I thought she would want what’s best for me,” He finally whispers, biting his lip hard to keep himself from crying.

Remus pulls back a bit to look down at him, tipping his face up so they can lock eyes. He tucks some of Sirius’s mussed black hair behind his ears and kisses his forehead. “If she doesn’t want what’s best for you then she’s not a true friend,” He says, brushing his thumbs over Sirius’s cheeks softly. “But I think she does, deep down. I think, maybe, she’s just going to miss you quite a lot and doesn’t know how to properly show it.”

Sirius does his best to give him a smile, but it’s weak. “I really hope you’re right. I don’t know what I’d do if she wants to cut me out of her life. She’s my best friend, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that.” Remus’s returning smile is just as weak as Sirius’s had been, and Sirius is hit with a pang of guilt when he realises that Remus must be thinking about James. “I don’t know where my brother has gone, but I miss him all the time. I wish he would at least give me a call or something.”

“You never really told me what happened to your brother,” Sirius states quietly, feeling like the worst person in the world. He knows exactly where Remus’s brother is and he can’t do anything to get him out. He’s probably going to die in Father’s care and Remus will spend the rest of his life wondering where he is, never knowing that James is already dead.

“Well,” Remus starts, settling down into Sirius’s lap more comfortably and resting his head on his shoulder, “a few days before I met you he just sort of disappeared. At first I didn’t think much of it; he goes off with friends a lot for weekend trips or parties or what have you. He’s a really social guy and he’s always busy with that stuff when he’s not working. But then the weekend was over and he’s always back by Monday to help me open the shop so that’s when I really started freaking out. He wouldn’t answer his phone when I called and texted, so I rang the police department a bunch of times and they kind of just blew me off. So a friend and I were going to start making posters and flyers and stuff to put up on the streets just to get the word out that he was missing, but then finally I got a text from him that said he was going through some things and needed some time away and that he’ll be back when he’s ready. I’m still worried about him, of course. I’m just glad to know that he’s not dead or something.”

Sirius hides his face by burying it in Remus’s curls. He doesn’t know what it might be giving away right now, but he knows it’s not composed. He feels so ashamed of his part in James’s disappearance, and what’s worse is that there’s still nothing he can do without getting both himself and James killed. And that’s now, before he’s even told Father he’s quitting. “I’m sorry,” He mumbles into Remus’s hair, squeezing him around the waist for a moment in an attempt to be reassuring. “I hope he comes home soon.”

“Me too,” Remus sighs wistfully, playing with the hem of Sirius’s t-shirt. “I really want him to meet you. You guys are going to get along so well.”

Sirius grimaces. He and James do get along quite well, but there’s no way he can tell Remus that. And there’s probably no way Remus will ever be able to see it either. The thought breaks Sirius’s heart a bit.

“Let’s talk about something that doesn’t make either of us sad,” Remus finally suggests, after they sit there for several minutes in sombre silence. “I was thinking about ordering take away before you got here, if you’d like to partake.”

Sirius lifts his head, raised eyebrows indicating his interest. “You have my attention,” He says, getting a small laugh from Remus. “What were you thinking in particular?”

“I think I’m in the mood for a nice curry,” Remus muses, brow furrowing as he mulls over the options. “We can do something else though, if you want. I’m not a picky eater; I’m sure you’ve figured that out by now.”

Sirius chuckles and plants a firm kiss to the side of Remus’s face before moving to shift him off Sirius’s lap and set him on his feet. Sirius stands as well, and he wraps his arms around Remus’s waist again to start dragging him off toward the kitchen. “Curry sounds lovely,” He agrees. “You make the call, I’ll start fixing drinks.”

Remus smiles at him, eyes sparkling with warmth. “Sounds like a good plan to me.”

\--

When Sirius marches up the steps toward the front door of headquarters for what he can only hope is the last time he quite literally bumps into Lily. She’s pushing out the front door at the same time that he’s about to open it from the outside, and while he manages to sidestep it and avoid being hit, Lily doesn’t see it coming and walks right into him.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry Lils; are you okay?” He asks while he climbs to his feet, reaching to grab her hand and help her up out of instinct.

Lily bristles and flinches away from his hand, shooting it a nasty glare as if it’s done something to personally offend her. “Don’t touch me,” She snaps, heaving herself up off the ground and dusting off her trousers. “What are you even doing here? Come to turn in your letter of resignation?”

Sirius winces. “Yeah, essentially. I wanted to do it in person. Even if Father will probably shoot me in the head. Wish me luck?” He doesn’t expect a nice response to that, and Lily doesn’t surprise him.

“I hope you choke,” She mutters, shoving roughly past him and hurrying away. Sirius ignores the hurt welling up inside his chest and heads into the building. He’s just going to have to deal with the Lily issue at a later date.

\--

“You wished to speak to me, boy?” The voice of Sirius’s father comes from behind him, and Sirius turns around to find him standing silhouetted in the doorway of his office. “I see you’ve already made yourself comfortable without invitation.”

“Tom sent me in,” Sirius answers quickly, hoping that will be enough to keep him on Father’s good side for now. Not that it will last, but it’s better to start good and end bad than to start bad and end worse.

Father raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment any further. Sirius breathes a small sigh of relief even as Father makes his way into the room and around his desk, finally making himself comfortable in his tall, looming black desk chair on the other side. “What is it?” He asks.

Sirius swallows hard and grits his teeth for a second, trying to emotionally prepare himself for this moment, even though there’s really no possible way to ever be ready to face Father with what he’s about to say. Nevertheless, he clenches his hands on top of his thighs and thinks of Remus and starts to speak. “I just wanted to tell you that I no longer wish to be a field leader anymore.”

Father stares at him blankly. “That is fortunate, since at this time you are already no longer a field leader.”

Sirius swallows hard and tries again. “What I mean to say is… well quite honestly, Father, I want to separate from the gang completely.”

At first Father doesn’t respond; he doesn’t even make any indication that he’s heard Sirius’s words at all. He just continues to gaze at Sirius with his cold grey eyes, no sign of emotion to be seen in them. Finally he folds his hands in front of him on the desk and begins to speak. “This is a childish way to go about getting your job back, boy.”

Sirius shakes his head earnestly. “I assure you, Father, that’s not what I want. I do think that if Lily wishes to continue working for you she should be promoted to sole field leader, but I don’t want to be a field leader. I don’t want to be anything anymore. I just want out.”

Father leans forward slowly, a dangerous glint shining in his eyes. “You are on very thin ice, young man. Say one more wrong thing and you’ll be serving lunches.”

With a sigh, Sirius pinches the bridge of his nose and leans back in the chair. “I really don’t want to end on bad terms with you or Lily but I just can’t lead this kind of lifestyle anymore. It’s not what I want. I never wanted this life. I’ve been trying to please you and make you proud of me for thirteen years and it’s finally hit me that it can’t be done. And then it hit me that you’re not the kind of person whose approval I should be seeking. So I’m walking away now before things can get any worse. Because they’ll never get any better while you’re still expecting me to live up to you and to Lily and I’m still hoping for you to see me as anything other than a disappointment.”

Father laughs bitterly. “That is a foolish hope. I could never be proud of a faggot.”

Sirius closes his eyes as he sucks in a sharp breath. “There it is,” He says softly, mostly to himself. He stands up slowly, as if he has more to say but knows his time here has come to an end. “Maybe I’ll see you again one day, Father,” He finally manages, doing his best to be the bigger person and walk away when insults start flying.

Father, however, has other ideas. “I shouldn’t be surprised,” He calls to Sirius’s retreating back. “I always knew you could never be the son I wanted.”

Sirius turns around to look at him one last time. He takes in the swarthy, almost leather-like skin of his face, furrowed with lines that tell of many more years than what he’s actually lived. He looks into his grey eyes, so like Sirius’s own but for the nastiness that always fills them. He observes the hard set of his mouth, a mouth that’s spat so much hate toward his own flesh and blood. “You know what, Father? Between the two of us, you’re the one who’s the failure. Because I gave you the chance to be the father I always wanted and you didn’t even try.”

Finally, Sirius turns his back on his Father for the first and what will hopefully be the last time. He walks out the door, feeling lighter than he maybe ever has before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus flirt. Lily broods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Twelve**

_ “And now it seems that I have found nothing at all _

_ Want to hear your voice out loud; slow it down, slow it down _

_ Without it all I’m choking on nothing _

_ It’s clear in my head and I’m screaming for something _

_ Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all” _

 

When Sirius gets home to his brand new flat he finds Remus waiting for him, sitting on the floor with his back up against the front door as he pores over a rather large book that’s perched in his lap. Sirius can’t help but smile when he climbs the last flight of stairs to enter his hallway and discovers the sight. He watches Remus for a minute, admiring the curve of his neck and the way his curly hair flops down his forehead almost to his nose, and then he calls out to him. “Hey good looking, come here often?” He feels a bit lame for such a line, but it’s worth it to see the bright grin that Remus shoots him when he finally looks up.

“You disgust me,” Remus replies, closing his book after marking his page and pushing himself to his feet. He meets Sirius halfway down the hall to give him a quick kiss hello. “That didn’t take too long; how did it go?”

Sirius sighs, wrapping an arm around Remus’s waist as they make their way to Sirius’s door and head inside. When the door is closed behind him and they’re kicking off their shoes in the foyer Sirius finally answers. “It went about how I expected. Father wasn’t happy of course, but I didn’t really stay long enough for him to get in more than a few insults. I did run into Lily though, while I was there. She’s still not talking to me.”

Remus frowns as he slides his hands up Sirius’s shoulders to pull off his leather jacket. He turns to hang it on a hook as he comments, “This is all very intense for a law firm, you know. From the way they act it could be the fucking Mafia.”

Sirius forces out a laugh before hurrying to make his way down the front hall and into the kitchen. “Are you staying for dinner?” He calls back to Remus as he pulls open the fridge to peer inside and assess the current food situation.

Suddenly two arms wrap around his waist from behind, and he jumps a little in surprise. “I’ll stay for dessert too, if you want,” Remus murmurs suggestively, burying his nose behind Sirius’s right ear and kissing the spot languidly.

Sirius chuckles, turning in Remus’s arms to put his own arms around the other man’s neck. “Now who’s the disgusting one?”

“Still you,” Remus retorts with a grin. “Are we cooking or ordering takeaway?”

With a frown, Sirius contemplates the options. “Well we have ordered takeaway just about every night this week, but I also haven’t really gone to the grocery store yet so all I have is ramen and cereal.”

As Sirius is talking Remus has slowly backed him up to press him gently against the counter and has begun to nibble softly on his earlobe. His breath tickles the fine hairs on Sirius’s neck and he giggles breathlessly.

“You better stop that if you want to eat anytime soon,” Sirius chides, trying and failing completely to sound firm.

Remus laughs as he moves his mouth over Sirius’s throat, sucking lightly on his Adam’s apple. “Maybe you’re what I want to eat,” He replies.

Sirius laughs. “You’re so dumb sometimes,” He teases, but despite himself his hold strengthens around Remus’s neck and he twines the fingers of one of his hands tight in Remus’s hair. “Lucky for you you’re also ridiculously attractive.”

Remus pulls away for a second to give him a lewd grin. “You think we can order takeaway in like an hour? It looks like I have a prior commitment.”

With another laugh Sirius nods and kisses Remus firmly. “Seems like you’ve got it all figured out. I guess christening the new apartment just got bumped up to the top of the to do list.”

“Good thing you’ve already got the bed all set up,” Remus adds, grabbing Sirius’s thighs to hoist him up into his arms so that he can carry him down the hallway. “We’ll do the dining table as soon as you get one, okay?”

Sirius smiles, feeling so completely enamoured with this man it’s not even funny. “Whatever you say, dear. Whatever you say.”

\--

Lily sighs heavily, kicking her dirty sneakers at the mulch beneath her as she moves slowly back and forth over the ground on a ratty playground swing that’s on its last legs. The chains are squeaking ominously, but she doesn’t pay them any mind. She scowls at the ground as she thinks morosely about the last time she was in this park.

It had been probably fifteen years ago, when Mother was still alive and she and Sirius were just around ten years old. They were at the point where they were just on the cusp of getting to be too old to want to play outside, and their mother was making one last ditch effort to get them interested in the great outdoors again. Before that they had played in this park all the time as children, but at that point it had been a year or two since they had been there last. Sirius in particular had been very annoyed by the fact that Mother had dragged them out when there was some new show premiering that he had been particularly keen on watching. But Mother had insisted, saying she had to give it one last try before adulthood began to suck all the joy and creativity out of their lives.

Lily laughs bitterly, glad that Mother can’t see them now. If she could it would put her right back into the grave. She would be devastated that they ended up in their father’s gang. Finding out about the gang was what had caused her to leave him in the first place, and knowing that she had failed at keeping her children from the same fate would surely break her heart. Well, not Sirius, Lily reminds herself resentfully. Sirius just decided all of a sudden that he’s now a separate person from her instead of one half of a whole and that they aren’t going to make big decisions together anymore, even though they always have in the past. Sirius became so preoccupied with Remus that he forgot about her, and didn’t even realise that he’s not the only one having a bit of an identity crisis and is going through some shit.

Personally, Lily would love to give Father the one finger salute and walk out of his life forever, preferably while tossing a grenade over her shoulder. But she can’t, and she knows it. She thought maybe Sirius would have figured it out too, but he’s been so distracted it seems to have slipped his mind that James is still stuck here, and there’s no way she’s going anywhere without doing her damnedest to help him.

Objectively she knows that Sirius probably doesn’t realise the depth of her connection to James. Sure, he knows that they had sex again, and he’s definitely guessed at her deeper feelings for him. But he clearly doesn’t understand that she feels responsible for him; that she feels like somehow it’s her fault he’s been taken captive and that it’s up to her to get him out. She had hoped that maybe he would feel a similar sense of obligation to free him, given the fact that Sirius is now so entwined with James’s brother. (And what the hell is that about by the way? They’ve only been dating for a month; how can Sirius already be to the point where they’re apparently now working together and around each other all the time and halfway to living together? Lily was genuinely surprised when Sirius said he was moving and ended up not just moving in with Remus.)

And objectively she knows that she probably shouldn’t feel so obligated to helping James and should just be worrying about what’s best for herself. But the more time she spends around James these days, the more she has this sneaking feeling that James might be what’s best for her after all. She hates to think of it that way, and frequently reminds herself that she should never put her life on hold for a man, but it’s not quite like that. James will die if she doesn’t do something, and if she just walks away now and doesn’t even try to do something she’s not sure she’ll ever be able to live with herself.

A small group of kids shout loudly from the play set behind her, and Lily’s startled out of her thoughts for the first time in awhile. The shadows of the trees lining the park are starting to grow long, and she realises with a start that she’s been here for quite some time and she should probably start making a move back to headquarters. Without Sirius around for him to punish, Father’s decided to promote her back to field leader, albeit the sole leader this time around. She hates leading the team without Sirius; he was always the one who dealt with peoples’ problems and made sure everyone was happy with what they were doing, how they were doing it, and what they were doing it with. Lily generally struggles to care about the immaterial concerns of others, and now any time the slightest issue arises she’s the one who has to deal with it. She almost wishes Snape had kept the job, except for the fact that his head was getting so swollen from the ego trip that he could hardly fit through doorways anymore.

With one last heavy sigh Lily heaves herself up off the squeaky swing and starts to slowly make her way back.

\--

“Hey nerd, there’s a lady on the phone who wants to know if you have this one book in hardcover in stock?”

Sirius’s shout is hard to hear from the back of the shop, but Remus just barely manages to catch it. He grins, getting up from his desk and making his way into the main area. “Who’re you calling a nerd, nerd?” He asks, winding through the shelves until he finally reaches the front counter. He leans over it to kiss Sirius on the cheek, then nips at his earlobe just to hear him squeak into the phone.

“So sorry about that,” Sirius apologises into the phone, shooting Remus a death glare and a middle finger. “Stubbed my toe. The manager’s here now; what was the name of that book you wanted, again?”

Remus just smirks at him as he rattles of the name and author of the book the woman is looking for. Remus happens to know for a fact that they have at least three hardcover copies, and he tells Sirius as much. Sirius reiterates this to the woman and hangs up after another minute.

“You’re such a buttface,” He grumbles, sticking his tongue out and crossing his arms over his chest in a pout. “I’m breaking up with you effective immediately.”

With a laugh, Remus rounds the counter and backs Sirius up into the wall behind it. “Is that so?” He asks, leaning in slowly to brush his mouth over the skin of Sirius’s throat.

“Uh huh,” Sirius gulps, knotting his hands into the back of Remus’s shirt despite himself. He tips his head back almost unconsciously, and Remus takes full advantage and begins sucking a mark on the side of his neck.

“If you’re breaking up with me then I’m going to have to stop giving your back room head,” Remus informs him. “It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to do such things to a subordinate who I’m not engaged in a prior relationship with, you know.”

Sirius laughs breathily, clearly trying to disguise a moan. “Don’t worry, I won’t file a lawsuit.”

Remus tuts. “No, no; I wouldn’t dare take advantage of you in such a way. And I’m afraid that also means we’d have to put an end to our extended lunch breaks. As my employee it would be entirely too forward of me to invite you up in my apartment and bend you over my kitchen counter just because the mood strikes me.”

“Oh, you bastard,” Sirius grits out, clutching Remus as close to his body as he can manage. “You better be going somewhere with this because I swear if you go back to your office and act like nothing ever happened while I’m stuck out here on the floor with blue balls I’m going to wring your neck.”

“Well that depends,” Remus counters, letting his hands dance up Sirius’s stomach underneath his t-shirt. “Are you still breaking up with me?”

With a half-hearted roll of his eyes, Sirius takes hold of Remus’s jaw and yanks him into a hard kiss. When they break apart he presses their foreheads together, breathing heavily. “I guess I’ll keep you around for now.”

“Lucky me,” Remus says with a wicked grin, then laces his fingers into Sirius’s belt loops and begins hurriedly tugging him back in the direction of the office.

\--

There are guns going off somewhere, but Lily honestly couldn’t care less. Her field team has managed to properly execute a raid for once, and the gang that they’ve attacked currently has their entire supply of cocaine being burned to the ground. She races toward the pick up point where Peter’s sure to be waiting, and she almost turns around to call over her shoulder to Sirius that for once Father won’t be able to say shit, but then she remembers that he’s not there and pushes herself even faster, as if she gets to properly run away too.

When she climbs into the back of the SUV Peter turns to greet her with a smile, but it’s a sad smile. She catches him glancing at the seat beside her and knows that he’s been thinking about Sirius too. It’s been over a month now since he left, but it still doesn’t feel right doing this without him.

“How’d it go?” Peter asks as he screeches away from the curb and whips around a corner. “Mission accomplished?”

“Mission accomplished,” Lily concurs, staring broodingly out the window. Idly, she signs the words, “You should’ve been there,” against her thigh.

“Oh good!” Peter continues, oblivious as usual to Lily’s bad mood. “I know it’s not anyone super big like the Libs, but it’s nice to take out any competition, I think.”

Lily hums in agreement. “Well it would’ve been especially successful if we’d been able to track down their supplier, but at least we got something done. And they’re going to have to get a huge shipment in soon if they’re going to try and make up for everything we just destroyed, so that should help point us in the right direction.”

Peter continues chattering away and Lily quickly tunes him out. He’s gotten used to her getting lost in her thoughts this last month, and she thinks he understands why. After a minute she realises with a start that they’re on the same street as James and Remus’s bookstore, and she cranes her head around to stare at it as they pass by. She can see a man that she doesn’t recognise (but can only assume must be Remus from James and Sirius’s descriptions) leaning against the wall out front puffing on a cigarette. Right before Peter turns another corner she sees Sirius emerge from the shop to snatch the cigarette from the man’s lips and replace it with his own lips.

Lily tips her head back against the headrest and closes her eyes and tries very hard to just not think for a little while.

\--

It’s been a long day, and Sirius has only been collapsed across one of the armchairs in the front area for a few minutes when he hears Remus emerge from the back room sounding like he’s carrying another enormous box of books.

“Noooo,” He whines, flinging an arm over his eyes. “Not another one; please, I beg of you.”

Remus laughs, dropping the box onto the ground with a loud thump in front of the register. “Come on baby, we’ll do it together. It’ll take no time at all and then we can go upstairs and cuddle on the couch and eat our weight in leftover pizza.”

“Don’t even know why I have my own flat when you just drag me to yours every day,” Sirius grumbles, not moving from his position. Suddenly he has a lapful of Remus, and he lets out a startled noise as his eyes snap open to take in a mop full of tawny brown curls.

“Well you could always just let your lease run out in a few months when it’s up,” Remus suggests, dropping a kiss on Sirius’s nose, who scrunches it up in response.

“Oh should I?” Sirius replies, automatically putting his arms around Remus’s waist. “And where would I live then?”

Remus rolls his eyes exaggeratedly. “Where you already live, dummy. With me.”

Sirius grins up at him. “You sure about that? I thought I was driving you crazy and ruining your life, your reputation, and your business single-handedly.”

Remus laughs softly, leaning his forehead down to touch Sirius’s. “Well yeah, but you’re kind of starting to grow on me.”

Sirius beams happily up at him. “I thought I might be.”

Remus smiles back for a moment before he suddenly snaps his head up, peering out the front window behind Sirius with a frown. “What’s up?” Sirius questions, trying to turn to look as well but unable to given Remus’s weight holding him in place.

“Nothing,” Remus says after another moment, brow furrowed. He stares for a second longer before turning to look back at Sirius. “I thought I saw someone standing out there but when I looked again they were gone. They must’ve only been there for a second.”

“I’m sure it was just a vampire waiting for an invitation so he could come in and suck our blood,” Sirius suggests with a grin.

Remus rolls his eyes. “I’m starting to think giving you a job in a bookstore was a bad thing for your ridiculous imagination.”

Sirius just laughs. “What can I say, I lost my head over you.”

Remus mimes gagging, but has to stop abruptly when Sirius starts tickling him mercilessly. “Sirius, no! Stop it! I’m going to murder you!” He shrieks, trying to squirm away from Sirius but finding himself unable to.

“You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself if you murdered me,” Sirius counters, finally yielding to instead pull Remus down to lie on his chest.

“Well for starters I’d be able to hire someone who actually does some work around here instead of spending all their time flirting with the boss,” Remus grumbles, even as he tucks his nose into the crook of Sirius’s neck and snuggles into him.

“Oh please, anyone you hire would flirt with you; you’re a catch. Well, unless you a hire a lesbian. But we’ve already been over this,” Sirius teases.

Remus huffs a laugh into Sirius’s neck. “That we did,” he agrees. He closes his eyes for a moment, feeling his body relax against Sirius’s as he let his exhaustion from the day sink in. They stay there for a minute or two in silence before Remus finally sits up and climbs off of Sirius. “You know what? Fuck it,” He says decisively. “We’ll unpack this box tomorrow.”

“I knew you’d see reason,” Sirius replies with a grin, standing up as well. “I know your intentions though; you’re just trying to get me into bed, aren’t you?”

“You know me too well,” Remus laughs, grabbing Sirius’s hand. He makes his way to the front door, dragging Sirius behind him. “Come on, dork. I’m going to fall asleep all over you.”

\--

When Lily wakes up one morning in late September it hits her that it’s been almost two months since the last time she saw her brother face to face. She tries to keep herself from crying, but doesn’t last long before tears are rolling down her face and her body is shaking slightly from the force of it.

She wakes James up, and he rolls her over so that they’re facing each other. The dingy mattress in the cell doesn’t really have room for them both to fit comfortably, so they’re pressed close together. Lily practically goes cross eyed trying to look at him.

“Is it Sirius?” He asks softly as he looks her over. This isn’t the first time he’s caught her crying over Sirius, so he already knows. She nods silently. “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” He murmurs, moving forward slightly to press a gentle kiss to her forehead. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She squeezes her eyes shut and takes a few deep breaths to calm herself down. “I just miss him,” She whispers after a minute, eyes still shut. “I’ve never gone this long without seeing him before.”

James pulls her closer into a tight hug. She lets a few more sobs loose against his chest before she’s able to regain control of her breathing. “Then I think it’s time that you go and talk to him,” He says quietly after a moment.

She looks up at him, surprise etched in her face. “I’m sure he hates me by now. Or has forgotten about me.”

James snorts. “He’s your brother. He’s not just your brother, he’s your twin. There’s absolutely no way he feels either of those ways about you. I’m sure he misses you just as much as you miss him. I’m willing to bet the only reason he hasn’t reached out to you is because you were the one who was upset in the first place.”

Lily sighs heavily. “He’s so wrapped up in his new life now, though. It’s like he just found something better and left me behind.”

With a frown James rolls onto his back, pulling her up onto his chest. “I’m sure that’s not true. I know it’s weird for him to be in a serious relationship for the first time, but I think it’s probably a good thing in disguise. Don’t hit me for this but it can’t have been healthy how much you two were wrapped up in each other.”

Lily arches a brow with displeasure but does manage to restrain herself from hitting him. “He’s just been all I had for so long,” She admits finally, raking a hand through her hair. “I don’t know how to be a separate person from him.”

“And that’s why I think this might be for the best,” James continues with a sympathetic smile. “You  _ are  _ a separate person. It’s okay for him to have a life outside of you, just like it’s okay for you to have a separate life outside of him. Or did you want him to join us in bed? Because he’s not bad looking and I would be okay with it but I don’t think he would fit on this mattress with the both of us here already.”

Lily laughs and rolls her eyes. “Alright weirdo, I get your point.”

James grins at her. “I’m a lot smarter than you give me credit for, you know.” After a moment his face grows serious. “I still think you need to go talk to him though. Having separate lives doesn’t mean you can’t be a part of his life at all. And I know he misses you. If he didn’t he’d be crazy.”

With a soft smile Lily leans down and drops a gentle kiss on James’s mouth. “I guess you might be a little smarter than I originally thought.”

\--

It’s growing dark by the time Lily finally works up the courage to go down to the bookstore and see Sirius. She had realised quickly (after leaving James’s room to go back to pretending like she’s just been sitting outside the door guarding him all night) that James had been right and proceeded to spend the rest of her day trying to talk herself into going to visit. By the time she steps out the front door of headquarters the sun is fading behind the high tops of the surrounding buildings, and the darkening sky makes her quicken her pace. She doesn’t know what time the bookshop closes, but she silently prays that she makes it before then because she doesn’t know where Sirius’s apartment is and she doesn’t want to go one more day without seeing him.

The Underground is crowded and noisy as usual, but Lily’s able to tune it out surprisingly well. Just the fact that she knows she’ll be with her brother again soon has lifted her spirits more than anything else in the last two months, and not even the general obnoxiousness of other people can bring her back down. She can’t tell if time is moving faster or slower, but either way it’s not quite normal.

When Lily finally emerges onto the street from the stairs to the tube it takes her a minute to remember how exactly to get back to the bookshop, and her sense of direction is particularly distorted in the dark since she can’t pick out any familiar landmarks, but after she pauses for a few seconds and peers around a bit she remembers turning left around the greystone building to her left and sets off in that direction.

Once she’s on her way it seems to take no time at all to get to the bookstore, and she’s rounding the corner onto the street before she knows it. She breathes a quiet sigh of relief when she takes in the still brightly lit windows of the shop, and after stopping for a moment to steel herself she marches determinedly toward them. She freezes, however, when she starts to pass one of them and gets a look inside.

Sirius is lying across an armchair, legs dangling over one of the arms, and Remus is perched on top of him. Their faces are close together and they’re smiling at each other. It’s so intimate that Lily feels uncomfortable just standing there watching them. She stays there for a minute, a wistful smile forming over her face. She can tell from the open way that he looks at Remus that Sirius has found someone who truly makes him happy, and she can’t deny that that’s something she’s always wanted for him. Despite the way she’s been acting, and despite the fact that she’s been feeling replaced, she’s glad to see such a contented expression on her brother’s face. It’s been a long time since his brow hasn’t furrowed with stress, or since his mouth hasn’t been surrounded by little frown lines. She can tell by the colour of his cheeks and the comfortability of his movements that being away from Father has done wonders for him, and there’s no way she can ever begrudge him that. She doesn’t even remember anymore why she’s been mad at him these last two months, and now she finally realises that she’s just been wasting her time and making herself miserable.

After several long minutes of taking him in Lily finally turns away. Sirius is happy, and she doesn’t need to force herself back into his life to create more drama and suck him back into the world of misery they’ve been living in for thirteen years. He was able to get himself out and find something good for the first time since their mother died, and she won’t be the one responsible for dragging him back down. She takes a deep breath and swallows around the hard lump in her throat and walks away, resolving to get herself out too, as soon as she can. Only then will she be ready to face him again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as this story slowly begins to wrap itself up (only 6 chapters left!), I've been pondering starting something new. I really want to write another chaptered wolfstar AU, but I don't really have any solid ideas formed yet. Sooo if anyone would like to send me some prompts/ideas I would really appreciate it!
> 
> And as always, thanks for reading :)


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the part where the shit starts to hit the fan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys I am horrifically sorry that it's been so long since I last updated. I usually update when it's slow at work and unfortunately things around here have been buck fucking wild for about 3 weeks now. I should probably just suck it up and start doing personal things on my personal time, but that seems unlikely.
> 
> Anyway, hope y'all enjoy this one, and I'm going to try and update again tomorrow to make up for the last 17 days without a new chapter. Brace yourselves kids, it's about to become a bumpy ride.

**Chapter Thirteen**

_ “Let your voice shred miles of diamond skies _

_ Just to walk as they wake in the darkness _

_ Well, darling, tonight could be a beautiful night to die” _

 

It’s very late when the noises start up. Lily had just been slipping away into sleep when the sudden eruption of sound startles her awake. She sits up quickly, right hand automatically falling to the gun clipped to her belt, but so far she’s struggling to figure out what’s going on past her just woken state.

James is not so quick to wake, but Lily can attribute that to having a relatively normal upbringing, far away from guns and gangs and violence and other things that go bump in the night. He rouses slowly, eyes still half closed as he reaches for her sleepily and mutters, “Wassat?”

“Shh,” She hisses, brow furrowing as she starts to awaken further and attempts to reconcile what she’s hearing with something that makes sense. She thinks those are gunshots going off, but it’s too few and far between to be another attack, isn’t it? And the shouting isn’t nearly as loud or as widespread either. It sounds almost as if one or two people are making their way very slowly up the floors, taking out errant guards in their path after they’ve been spotted. From the pained shouts she can make out it also sounds as though the gunman hasn’t gone for the kill shot, and has instead elected to incapacitate only, which isn’t a normal strategy in this particular line of work.

“Something’s going on,” She whispers, looking over at James. He’s gazing up at her sleepily, not the least bit startled by the sounds outside, as if no matter what happens Lily’s going to be able to take care of it. She feels a warm rush of affection for him and reaches down to tenderly brush some of his messy black hair off of his forehead. “You stay here, I’m going to go check it out.”

James frowns up at her. “Be careful,” He says, taking her hand and holding it against his cheek. “If something happens to you I’m going to have to go out and avenge your death and I’m a terrible shot.”

Lily laughs quietly and leans down to kiss him quickly. “I’ll try my best,” She replies. With that she swings her feet over the side of the mattress to plant them on the floor and stands up. Her hand goes to her gun again as she carefully moves toward the door, and this time she pulls it from its holster and clicks off the safety.

“You look so fucking sexy right now,” James whispers, and she turns to shoot him a half-hearted glare, but she can’t help but follow up immediately with rolled eyes and a fond smile.

“If I die I hope you’ll regret that those are the last words you’ll ever say to me,” She whispers back, gun clutched in both hands as she reaches the door and presses an ear to it, trying to listen for activity outside.

“I don’t regret anything I’ve ever said ever,” James retorts stubbornly, and Lily just shakes her head with a prolonged sigh before she moves to open the door, determining that there’s no one outside of it.

As soon as she’s out in the hallway she shuts the door tightly behind herself and even locks it for good measure, not trusting James to resist an opportunity to do something reckless, should the occasion arise. The sounds of shooting seem like they’re coming closer to the bottom of the stairwell, so she moves closer to the door leading to the stairs in hopes of heading off whoever it is. Just as she passes the door to the unoccupied holding cell closest to the stairs, however, it bangs open, and before she can even turn to catch sight of the person inside the door there’s a cloth being forced over her mouth, and then in an instant everything fades to black.

\--

When Lily comes to she can tell that she’s in a moving vehicle. She can also tell that her hands and feet are tied together behind her, and there’s something over her head. She shifts slightly, trying to get some sort of feel on her surroundings despite her grogginess, but when she does she feels a hand on her shoulder shoving her roughly, and someone growls from behind her, “Don’t fucking move if you want to live.”

She inhales sharply through her nose. “What the fuck?” She snaps, earning her another sharp push that causes her to flop over onto her stomach with her arms and legs bent awkwardly in the air above her.

“Don’t fucking talk either,” The voice adds. Lily can tell that the person is trying to disguise his voice, based on the truly terrible American accent he’s attempting, and through her disorientation she realises that that probably means it’s someone she knows somehow.

“Can I at least ask why you’re doing this?” She inquires meekly, wincing in preparation for another shove.

The person stutters out a nasty laugh. “You can ask all you want, but you won’t get an answer. The most I’ll tell you is that you’re nothing but a pawn now, princess. Now shut the fuck up.”

Lily frowns to herself, trying to piece things together. She’s still feeling lightheaded and a little dizzy from whatever drug it was that was used on her, and it’s starting to make her feel nauseated. “Will you at least take this bag or whatever it is off my head so I can throw up?” She practically begs, realising that the movement of the car combined with her nausea might very well make her actually sick.

The man laughs again. “And miss out on the opportunity to watch you vomit all over yourself? I wouldn’t dare.”

With a deep breath Lily clenches her teeth and holds her jaw tightly shut as her forehead starts to get clammy and the inside of her mouth begins to tingle in anticipation. “Fuck you,” she grits out, swallowing back the bile in her throat. She takes several deep breaths through her nose, and finally the feeling passes.

She lays there in silence for several minutes just taking in the steady rocking of the car beneath her, all the while counting in her head to use time as an approximate measurement of the distance they go and trying to memorise the turns they take. The man sitting behind her coughs every once in awhile, and she knows she’s heard his cough before. She just can’t for the life of her figure out from who or where.

She also takes note of the soft conversation she can hear coming from what she guesses is the front of the car. There must be some kind of divide between the front and back, because it’s muffled, but as she listens closer she can make out a familiar cadence to the voices.  _ What the fuck is going on? _ She thinks to herself, frowning in concentration.  _ Who do I know that would kidnap me? _

Before long she’s able to pick out that the higher voice of the two people up front is actually a woman, and once again the feeling that she knows this person sounds off in her head. She’s heard that woman’s voice more than once, but without being able to hear the finer details of her speech patterns she can’t quite place it. It feels like it’s on the tip of her tongue, but she just can’t quite get there.

Eventually she resolves to start prodding the man in the back with her with more questions, if only to help her gain more clues as to their identities. “So who are you, anyway?” She asks, trying to sound nothing more than calm and curious. “Why’d you pick me of all people to take as a hostage?”

The man snorts, probably at her audacity to question him as she lies bound in front of him with absolutely no power to speak of. “You’re to be used as leverage. Or, rather, an incentive of sorts.”

Lily raises an eyebrow in interest. “Are you planning to use me to demand ransom from my father or something? Because I’m telling you now it won’t work. My father would much rather keep his money and let me die. He only keeps me around for the sake of appearance; he doesn’t actually give a damn whether I live or die.”

“I assure you, our use for you will be fool-proof.” The man snaps, sounding annoyed. “Can you hurry it up?” He calls up toward the front. “The bitch won’t stop asking questions and I’m going to throw her out the back door in a minute.”

“We’re almost there,” The man in the front shouts back, and the woman laughs maniacally.

It suddenly hits Lily, and she can feel all the blood draining out of her face and her fingers start going numb. She’d recognise that laugh anywhere. It’s haunted her through her worst nightmares for ten years. “My god,” She whispers, voice cracking. “He put you up to this. He’s trying to use me to get back at Sirius, isn’t he?”

Severus (for it is indeed Severus who’s sitting behind her, the same as it is Tom and Bellatrix sitting up in the front, as she can now clearly tell) snickers nasally, and she can just picture the slimy smirk on his face. “You’re smarter than I thought you were, if you’ve figured all that out. Still think our plan won’t work?”

“If you do anything to hurt him I’m fucking destroy you!” She practically screams, now writhing and struggling with her bindings more viciously than ever. “I will kill you, you piece of shit! I’ll burn that entire fucking building to the ground!”

Bellatrix is laughing again, and Tom is shouting something at Severus, and all the noises are starting to blend together and rush around her as she quickly grows light-headed once more. It slowly dawns on her in an offhanded sort of way that she might possibly be having a panic attack, and she continues to shriek threats and obscenities at Severus despite the rapidly increasing feeling that she might pass out. She does, in the end, when Severus finally rips the bag off her head to allow her for the briefest of moments to blink hastily against the sudden brightness in her eyes after being in pitch black for so long, only to send her spiralling back down into the endless darkness as he presses the drug covered cloth over her mouth and nose once more. Her last thought is that she’s kind of grateful she’s getting knocked out again, because if she had to spend another second in Severus's presence without being able to wring his neck she very well could have lost her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go from bad to worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My boss walked into my office while I was editing this chapter. He almost gave me a heart attack. I was decidedly not quick enough at minimizing the page for him to not notice that I was up to something. Fortunately I have three computer screens and the other two have work related things on them. Oh well. I needed a break anyway.

**Chapter Fourteen**

_ “I sink to the ocean floor because I know that we are more _

_ But I’ve made this mess, I’ve built this fire _

_ Are you still mine? _

 

_ ‘Cause baby I’m not alright when you go, I’m not fine _

_ Please be all mine _

_ I never want you to go because I am all yours _

_ So please be all mine” _

 

It’s two in the afternoon when Sirius receives the first phone call he’s gotten from anyone besides Remus in two months. He was initially sort of surprised after he first left when Peter hadn’t given him a ring, but in the end he was just glad that Lily had someone to lean on in his absence and didn’t think about it much farther than that. So when he checks his phone in confusion as he leans over the front counter waiting for a customer to show up he’s surprised to see Peter’s name flashing over the screen. His next reaction is a sudden pit of nerves opening up in his stomach, because if Peter’s calling him now after two months of silence then something must be wrong. Something must be wrong with Lily. He snaps his phone open hurriedly and holds it to his ear.

“What’s up, Peter?” Sirius asks, clutching the phone tightly in his hand and straightening up in order to make his way around the counter to begin pacing anxiously amongst the shelves. “Everything okay? Lily’s not hurt, is she?”

Sirius can tell that Peter’s struggling to hold back tears, even through the shitty signal he’s getting, and his pulse quickens. “Lily’s gone missing,” Peter finally answers, and Sirius suddenly gets the distinct feeling that the floor’s just dropped out from beneath his feet.

“What did you just say?” He finally manages to get out, swallowing around the sick feeling in his stomach and praying against all odds that somehow he’s misheard Peter, or that there’s a simple explanation for where she is, or please, god, anything.

“There was another raid last night,” Peter explains, voice hoarse and cracking. “A bunch of guards were hurt. Lily was on level three sitting outside of the prisoner’s room. They must have taken her with them for some reason.”

Sirius closes his eyes and runs a hand through his hair, tugging sharply in an attempt to wake him up from whatever nightmare he’s just fallen into. “What you’re telling me right now, Peter, is that my sister has been kidnapped. That’s what I’m getting from the words that you’re saying. Is that correct?” Sirius’s voice is calm and even, but even Peter can tell that it’s the calm before the storm.

“I’m so sorry, Sirius,” Peter whispers, and Sirius can hear his voice trembling. “I wasn’t there last night; I got the night off for a date. Lily’s been taking over my guard shift on the third floor a lot lately. If I had been there you know I would’ve done anything to keep her safe.”

Sirius takes a deep, shuddering breath and leans his forehead against one of the nearby bookshelves, eyes closed tightly. “Okay,” He says quietly, trying to keep himself as calm as he possibly can. “What else do we know? Is there a plan to get her back? What are we going to do?”

Peter coughs uncomfortably, and Sirius can almost picture the awkward way he’s sure to be scuffing his feet on the floor right now. “Your father told me I shouldn’t tell you anything. Said you wouldn’t want to be bothered by all this. I told him he was wrong, but I guess he thinks that when you left the gang you sort of left Lily too.”

Sirius stands upright, feeling hot, burning anger course through his veins so quickly that his hairs on his arms practically stand on end. “Of course I would want to be bothered by this. Are you joking? I’m coming down there right now. You can tell him to expect me if you want; I really don’t care either way. But I’m coming down there. And we’re going to get her back.”

“Okay,” Peter says, voice sounding a little more hopeful. “I’ll let him know. And Sirius? Please hurry.”

Sirius snaps his phone shut without another word and shoves it in his pocket, almost forgetting that he’s supposed to be running the shop right now in his haste. Just as he’s about to walk out the door he remembers that Remus is in the back doing the books, and he quickly turns and heads to the office to tell him that he’s got to go.

Remus looks up as Sirius enters the room and gives him a warm smile. “Hey handsome, how’s it going out there?” He’s quick to catch on to Sirius’s panicked state, and he rises instantly from his seat, brow furrowing in concern. “What’s going on?”

Sirius starts pacing in front of the desk, too full of pent up adrenaline to stand still. “Lily’s been kidnapped,” He tells him, too worked up and upset to bother to come up with even a half convincing lie. “I’ve got to go back and help find her.”

Remus stares at him incredulously for a moment. “Your sister got kidnapped from a law firm? What kind of fucking law firm is this?”

Sirius drags his fingers through his hair in agitation. “Okay, so I’ve been lying a little bit about working at a law firm. The truth is that my father is the leader of a very dangerous gang that’s based a few neighbourhoods away, and up until a few months ago I was helping run it. Lily’s still involved, and last night she got kidnapped. I don’t know why or by who, but I’ve got to go help them get her back.”

Remus continues to stare at him, mouth hanging slightly open. “You were in a gang?” He asks after another minute, voice quiet.

“Yeah,” Sirius confirms, feeling sick with nerves and hoping that this won’t be a deal breaker like it was for his parents. He hopes that the fact that he got out will be enough for Remus.

Finally Remus swallows hard and nods, slowly sitting back down. “But you’re not in it anymore. You’re here with me now.”

“Yes,” Sirius agrees quickly, moving forward to perch on the edge of the desk and reaching out to take Remus’s hands. Remus lets him, despite seeming slightly hesitant. “I’m sorry I had to lie to you but I just didn’t want you anywhere near all that. It’s so fucking dangerous. And as soon as I met you and realised I wanted to be with you I knew that you deserved someone who isn’t a gangster so I got myself out as soon as I could. And I hate that I have to go back there right now, but it’s Lily, Rem. That’s my sister. I know I lied about that too, but Lily and I are twins and I can’t just stand here and do nothing.”

Remus frowns in confusion. “But if you’ve been gone for months then how can you help? You haven’t even been talking to her.”

“Because I know her better than anyone,” Sirius replies, standing up to start pacing again. His mind is whirling and he’s just trying to let his feet catch up. “If she left any clues or anything then I know that I can find them, and I’m the only one who knows that she’s been sleeping with James so I can talk to him too. And he and I get along so if he knows anything at all then I’m sure he’ll tell me, because he just wants her to be safe too-” He pauses when he sees Remus giving him a funny look, and when he realises what he’s said the blood in his veins goes instantly cold and his stomach drops.

“What was that about James?” Remus asks, voice quiet and more deadly than Sirius has ever heard.

Sirius swallows hard. “Fuck. Okay, Remus; let me just explain-”

“Are you talking about my fucking brother?!” Remus shouts suddenly, lurching up from his seat behind the desk and sending the chair toppling backward. His face is red and his hands are planted on the desk, fingers clenching against the wood viciously. “You know where my brother is and you’ve been keeping it from me this whole time?!”

Sirius holds up his hands, his panic rising quickly. “It’s more complicated than that, Rem. My father had him kidnapped and there was nothing I could do without getting us both killed and-”

“You fucking kidnapped my brother?!” Remus roars, slamming a fist down onto the desk. “And then you had the audacity to show up here at my bookshop and force yourself into my life while you kept all of this from me?!” He’s shaking so badly with rage that Sirius is surprised he hasn’t broken something yet.

“I didn’t plan for any of this to happen,” Sirius pleads, and to his horror he can feel tears start to well up in his eyes. “Remus, you’ve got to believe me. I know I should have tried to do something more for James but I was too scared after being stuck there for so long and I just had to get out as soon as I could because I wanted to become someone who deserved someone like you.”

Remus glares at him, disgust overshadowing all his features. Sirius knows now why they call it a broken heart, because he can physically feel the pain slicing into his chest. “You will never deserve someone like me,” Remus hisses. “You will never ever deserve to have someone who loves you half as much as I thought I did.”

The breath goes right out of Sirius’s chest as he feels the knife plunged deep in his his heart twist violently, splintering him in two. Remus has turned his back on him now, and Sirius can’t bear to look at the angry, angst-filled lines of his back and shoulders for a second longer. With a sob that he just can’t seem to stifle he turns on heel and flees out the door to the office, out of the bookshop, and down the street as fast as he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know most of you saw this coming, so hopefully that was enough to prepare you for the heartbreak. Personally, I still have a lot of feelings about it. 
> 
> Only four more chapters left! Whatever will I do when I finish this? It's kind of taken over my life for the last 7 months.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading :)


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius does his best work when he's winging it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're so close to the end I can almost taste it!

**Chapter Fifteen**

_ “Before I cross my heart and hope to die at all _

_ Take off my mask and leave the lies to the liars _

_ Before I close my eyes I’m gonna give it up _

_ Take off my mask and leave the lies to the liars” _

 

The other passengers on the tube are staring, but Sirius just can’t find it within himself to care very much at this point. His head is aching and his eyes feel puffy and swollen, but at least he’s finally stopped crying for the time being. He’s sure he’s not done completely, but the last thing he wants is to walk into his father’s office looking like this because he already knows what kind of names Father will call him for crying. He’s heard it all before.

He thinks he might still be in shock over what just happened. He just can’t seem to wrap his head around it, despite all the tears. He hadn’t realised Remus would be so upset, although in retrospect he doesn’t know why he’s surprised. James is Remus’s brother after all, and he knows how it feels to have a sibling get kidnapped now too. If their situations were reversed he probably would’ve reacted the same way, maybe even worse. It’s just that he sometimes forgets that other people care about their siblings as much as he cares about Lily. But he also wishes that Remus had given him time to explain because if he had then maybe Sirius could get it into his head that Father would literally have killed them both if he’d caught him trying to help James escape.

An older woman sits down next to Sirius and touches him gently on the arm, startling him out of his thoughts. He looks up at her warily, and she gives him a sympathetic smile. “Are you alright, love?” She asks, patting his arm comfortingly.

“Fine,” Sirius answers automatically, sniffling slightly. Then he shakes his head. “No, not really. Truth be told I just got in a horrible fight with my boyfriend and I think this is the end.” He speaks on autopilot, not even realising until it’s already been said that he just came out to a perfect stranger. He glances at her nervously, waiting for her to indicate her disgust and move away.

She surprises him, however, when she just continues to pat his arm. “I’m so sorry to hear that, dear. Is there anything that you can do to change his mind?”

Sirius sighs mournfully. “There’s one thing I should do whether it’ll change his mind or not. If he’s finished with me then I know that I deserve it. But no matter what the cost I need to at least make one thing right.”

The woman smiles sadly, grasping his hand in both of hers. Her hands are soft and warm, and Sirius is briefly reminded of his mother. “Then you’d better do that thing. If he truly loves you then he’ll find a way to forgive you. It just might take him a little bit of time.”

“But I fucked up so bad. He’s never told me that he loves me before and tonight he told me I didn’t deserve half the love he thought he had for me,” Sirius whispers, voice breaking slightly.

“When you love someone you can’t just turn it off with a snap of your fingers,” The woman disagrees gently. “If you’ve done something wrong then I’m sure he’s very hurt, and maybe he was trying to hurt you in return. You must be patient with him, but if he’s the one that you want to be with then it will be worth it in the end.” She squeezes his hand tightly in hers, and Sirius has to close his eyes to hold back more tears.

“I hope you’re right,” He admits. “Because he is the one I want to be with. The only one I’ve ever wanted to be with.”

“It’ll all work out for the best,” The woman assures him. “You just wait. I have a very strong intuition, you know; I’m usually right about these things.”

Sirius gives a watery laugh. “That sounds like something my sister would say.”

The woman grins back at him. “Well she sounds like a promising young lady.”

“She is,” Sirius agrees.

The train suddenly lurches to a stop, causing Sirius to look up in surprise. They’re still three stops away from where he has to get off, but the woman stands up and says, “Well, this is me. I wish you the best of luck, my dear, and if we ever bump into each other on this train again I hope to hear a full report of how well you and your young man are doing.” Without pausing for even a moment to let Sirius say anything more she turns and marches off, disappearing seamlessly into the crowd. Sirius shakes his head slightly, not sure what just happened or if it even really happened at all, before he sinks back into his seat and closes his eyes and tries to mentally prepare himself for everything that is still yet to come.

\--

Peter is waiting outside of headquarters when Sirius finally arrives. He looks incredibly anxious and is hopping from one foot to the other nervously, and Sirius has to restrain himself from physically putting a stop to Peter’s jittery movements. Other people stressing out always makes Sirius’s stress worsen.

“Sirius, thank god you’re here!” Peter calls when he catches sight of Sirius making his way up the street. “The whole place is in chaos. No one knows how it happened or who it was or anything, and the only person who could possibly have any information is the prisoner, and he won’t talk to anyone. The only thing he’ll say is that he wants to talk to you.”

Sirius’s eyebrows raise in surprise but he only quickens his pace up the front steps and through the door. “Is he still in the holding cell or has he been moved?” Sirius asks over his shoulder to Peter, who is practically running to keep up with his pace.

“Still in his cell. But actually,” Peter pants out, grabbing a stitch in his side, “Your father wanted you to come to his office first. That’s why he had me wait for you outside; he thought I would be the only one you would listen to since we’re friends and all.”

Sirius stops then, pausing in the middle of the hall and turning to look at Peter suspiciously. “Why do I have to talk to him first?”

Peter shrugs. “Who knows? He probably just wants to see you since you’ve been gone for so long.”

Sirius can’t help but laugh at that. Father hasn’t wanted to see him once in his entire life, and there’s no way he’s about to start now. More likely he just wants the first opportunity to pry into Sirius’s business and try to figure out where he’s been and what he’s been doing.

“Fine,” Sirius reluctantly agrees. If not kicking up a fuss will mean he gets to talk to James more quickly then he’ll go along with it for now. “Lead the way, Peter.”

They hurry through the winding corridors to Father’s office, and Sirius gets a weird feeling, almost like deja vu, at being back in this place after all this time thinking he’d never have to walk these halls again. His stomach gets that usual sinking feeling full of dread as they draw nearer to the office, but it’s much fainter than it was in the past. He’s not quite as scared of his father as he used to be, he realises with a bit of shock.

The office door is already open slightly, and Sirius only hesitates for a moment before pushing through. Peter stays outside, and Sirius can’t blame him. He would too, if given the choice.

Father is sitting in his chair with his back to the door, so Sirius steps forward and plops into one of the seats in front of the desk, making himself comfortable and even deciding to be ballsy enough to kick his feet up on top of the desk. At one point in his life, not so long ago, he would’ve been too terrified to even think of doing such a thing, but now that he’s potentially lost the two most important people in his life he feels as though things like feet and desks are just so insignificantly trivial now.

After a few minutes of an obvious show of Father ignoring him to make sure he knows that he’s not considered a priority, the man finally turns in his chair to face Sirius. His eyes instantly land on Sirius’s feet and Sirius smirks coldly, crossing his arms firmly across his chest.

“I see that in the last few months that you’ve been away you seem to have developed an even more arrogant attitude,” Father starts, folding his hands on the desk in front of him. “Although what you have to be arrogant or even the slightest bit proud about, I haven’t the faintest idea.”

Sirius rolls his eyes. “Please, Father, try to restrain yourself from making petty comments. I don’t have the time for it and neither does Lily. I’m here to help find her, and that’s it. So tell me everything you know.”

Father stands from his seat, expression thunderous. Sirius knows what usually comes next, and he stands too to meet him head on. “Go ahead; I dare you to make one move to try and put a hand on me,” He challenges, voice low and hard. “I know all the deepest and darkest secrets of this gang and I’m not the slightest bit afraid to use them to send you straight to rot in prison for the rest of your life. And I’m sure you’re now running over all the various ways you could kill me to stop that from happening, but I’ve given all the most damning information I know about you to several different people and if they don’t hear from me by a certain time within the next few hours they’ve been instructed to bring it all to the police.”

Father stares incredulously over the desk at Sirius, mouth parted slightly as if he wants to say something but has absolutely no idea what, clearly too surprised to notice Sirius’s bluff. Finally he sits, gazing at Sirius coolly. “Arrogant indeed, but maybe just the smallest bit smarter,” Father finally concedes, and Sirius’s jaw almost drops open in shock. “Congratulations, Son. I never thought I’d live to see the day where someone besides your sister would be standing up for you.”

Sirius rolls his eyes again. “I never thought I’d live to see the day you didn’t fit at least twelve backhanded comments into every conversation you have with me. I still don’t think I’ll live to see that day. Now if we could please switch the topic over to what we’re doing to get Lily back, I’d be quite grateful. I’m sure she would be too.”

Father continues to gaze at him for another moment before he straightens up in his seat and claps his hands together. “I suppose we had better. What has Peter told you?”

“Just that there was a break in and Lily was kidnapped and we don’t really have any information beyond that,” Sirius replies, leaning forward slightly and putting his hands on the desk. “He also told me that the prisoner is refusing to speak with anyone about it and is insisting that he talk with me. What happened to all our security cameras? Why don’t we have anything about the kidnappers from them?”

Father shrugs, looking bored. “They were somehow able to turn the cameras off so they caught nothing. And as for the prisoner I have no idea why he’s so insistent on you, but it is what it is. Once you’re able to get more information from him regarding the subject I would request that you come back here so that we can begin to formulate a plan on how to proceed from here. At the moment we clearly don’t have much to go on.”

Sirius bristles slightly but tries not to let it show how annoyed he is by Father referring to Lily merely as a “subject.” It’s also strange to him how calm and unconcerned Father seems to be about the whole situation. He should be considering the capture of his daughter to be a personal attack on himself, rather than a simple problem that a plan and a mission will solve. He should be furious and violent, threatening the lives of any man who would dare to insult him in this manner. It’s all incredibly suspicious and Sirius isn’t quite sure what to make of it, but he makes a mental note to dig into it a bit deeper after he speaks to James because he’s starting to get the feeling that something is incredibly off about all this and there might be more going on here than meets the eye.

“Well, if that’s all then I’m going to head upstairs to speak with the prisoner,” Sirius finally announces, clapping his hands down on the arms of his chair and pushing himself up out of his seat. “I’ll report back to you with any information I might be able to gather from him.”

“Very well,” Father nods, already turning away to go back to the various papers stacked on the desk behind him. “And Sirius?”

Sirius looks back to see Father watching him over his shoulder. “Yes?” He replies warily.

Father turns to look away. After a second he adds in an offhanded tone, “You seem to have become somewhat less immature in these last few months. I’m both surprised and even the faintest bit impressed. I daresay that if you still worked for me you’d be getting a promotion. Granted, of course, that you can procure your sister’s safe return.” With that he waves over his shoulder dismissively, and Sirius quickly backs out of the office.

Peter seems to have disappeared in the few minutes that Sirius was in Father’s office, but Sirius hardly even notices his absence. As he makes his way down the corridor toward the stairs, he’s got one thought on his mind that stands out beyond all the rest. And that is that Father is most definitely up to something.

\--

To Sirius’s annoyance, when he arrives on the third floor to speak to James he finds both Snape and Bellatrix standing out front of the cell. They both turn to leer at him as he comes through the door, and he raises an eyebrow in challenge. “Would you look at that?” He comments casually, strolling closer. “They assigned the two dumbest of the bunch to guard one door because they knew neither of you could do it on your own.”

Bellatrix’s eyes narrow and a slight hissing noise emits from her mouth. Sirius can practically see her hackles raised, and all he can picture when he looks at her is a feral cat that just got its tail stepped on. He smirks slightly at her rage. Snape, however, remains surprisingly cool. “Leave it Bella,” He cautions, putting a hand on her arm. “You go downstairs and talk to Tom. I’ll stay here and supervise this little powwow of idiocy.” He looks at Sirius pointedly as he says the last part, as if it isn’t already perfectly clear who he’s talking about. Bellatrix casts a vicious glare at Sirius but reluctantly agrees to go, finally leaving the two men alone in the hallway.

“Right,” Sirius says, moving toward the door to James’s cell. “I’ll just head right in, then.” He’s stopped, however, by Snape's arm being thrown in front of the door.

“Not so fast, I shouldn’t think,” Snape says silkily, sounding more pleased about being able to keep Sirius from something than he should.

“What, Snape?” Sirius asks flatly, stepping back slightly so Snape will stop pressing him back with his hand to Sirius’s chest.

“I was told to inform you that the prisoner was asleep at the time of the break in and most likely will have little to no information. Your father wished me to tell you this so that you wouldn’t get your hopes up. Personally I wouldn’t mind; I do so enjoy your misery and disappointment. But I was instructed to tell you either way.” Snape says snidely, looking down his long nose at Sirius.

Sirius takes a deep breath, closing his eyes and praying to keep his cool for just a minute longer until he’s inside the holding cell with James, someone he can trust. It’s funny, he thinks idly, that he ran in this gang for ten years and yet the only person in the whole building that he knows he can trust is the guy that they’re holding prisoner for working with a rival gang. “Can you just let me in?” He asks, ignoring Snape's comments. “Lily’s out there somewhere and the quicker I can talk to James, the quicker I can start looking for her.”

Snape sneers, but seems to give up on his attitude for the time being. He finally pulls the key ring out of his pocket and turns to unlock the door, pushing it open and standing back so Sirius can go through.

Sirius promptly shuts the door tight behind him and turns to face the room, instantly locking eyes with James, who’s sitting up on his mattress and staring at him intently. “Hey James,” He says quietly, suddenly reminded anew of his most recent conversation with Remus and hit with a fresh wave of shame. “You doing okay?”

“I’d be doing better if I knew where Lily was right now,” James replies, but there’s no bite to it. He sounds weary and resigned, and even as Sirius thinks that the other man lies back against the bed and closes his eyes with a deep sigh. “Is there any news yet?” He asks, voice muffled slightly against the arm he’s thrown over his face. “I’m going crazy here.”

“Nothing yet,” Sirius laments, moving to sit down in the metal chair near the wall. “Peter and Father thought you might know something though. Said you wouldn’t speak to anyone but me. You got anything for me?”

James sits up again and leans against the wall. “She had been in here with me,” He says softly, staring off into space as if he’s seeing it in his head all over again. “She’s been spending a lot of time here at night since you left, taking over Peter’s night shifts and such. She’s been lonely.” Here he pauses, glancing up at Sirius apologetically. “I woke up because of some noise downstairs; sounded like gunshots. She was already awake and had her gun out. She told me she was going to investigate. About fifteen seconds after she left the room I heard what sounded like a muffled scream. I tried to go and help but someone must’ve locked the door from the outside because I couldn’t get out. Then I heard someone talking about going down into some old Underground tunnels. I think that must be where they’ve taken her.”

“Jesus Christ,” Sirius mutters, rubbing his hands vigorously over his face. “Alright. Fuck. Well I guess we’re going to have to go search the fucking tunnels. There’s got to be hundreds of them. Shit.”

“One more thing,” James says, leaning forward as Sirius moves to stand up. “Those two people who were outside my door before you came in? One of them was Bellatrix but I don’t know if I’ve met the other person. Either way, they were talking about Lily right before you arrived. I couldn’t make out all of it, but the man said something about Lily being heavier than she looked and then Bellatrix laughed. It was the laugh that made me recognise her. I don’t know exactly what it means, but it sounded pretty suspicious to me.”

Sirius closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “That just further confirms what I was already starting to fear was the true story here.” He looks hard at James. “We’ve got to get out of here.”

James’s eyes light up. “We’ve got to go my bookshop. I’m sure I saw a book in there with maps of the old Underground tunnels. My brother Remus will know exactly where it is and he can help us figure this out.”

Sirius’s stomach drops and he bites his lip. “Yeah, okay,” He agrees, deciding now isn’t the best time to mention that the last thing Remus will want to do right now is help him with anything. He can do it himself as long as James can help him get the book, because he’s sure Remus most likely won’t even let him into the shop at this point. He can feel himself getting dangerously distracted by this train of thought, so he shakes his head and stands up. “Alright. We’ve got to figure out a plan.” Suddenly his eyes land on James’s overgrown, dirty black hair, and an idea strikes him.

“I’ve got this,” He announces, smiling genuinely for what is probably the first time all day. “Wait right here.”

James gives him a quizzical look but nods and doesn’t say anything, so Sirius pulls his gun out from the inside pocket of his jacket and unlatches the safety. “This feels oddly familiar,” James mutters, but doesn’t extrapolate when Sirius raises an eyebrow in confusion at him.

“Right,” Sirius says firmly, nodding to himself. “I’ll be right back.” With that he moves the hand holding his gun slightly behind his back and opens the door.

Snape is still waiting outside, now lolling lazily across the chair. When Sirius comes back into the hallway he glances up for a moment before looking back to the phone in his hand. “Well, I hope you’re done wasting time with a dead end,” He begins to say, but stops short when he feels the cold barrel of Sirius’s pistol suddenly digging into the underside of his jaw.

“Put your hands where I can see them,” Sirius commands quietly as he yanks Snape’s phone out of his now frozen hand, and Snape must really be surprised, because he does so immediately. “Stand up slowly. I’m going to search your pockets. As much as I might love to shoot you I’m not going to unless you do something stupid, so I’d listen to what I tell you to do if I were you.”

Snape rises from his seat, eyes glinting with silent fury. He doesn’t speak, just sneers hatefully at Sirius, who pays him no mind as he begins to go through Snape's pockets. He finds two guns, one hidden in his waistband and the other strapped around his ankle, and there’s a knife tucked inside one of his boots and the holding cell keys are in one of his jacket pockets. Sirius removes everything and pockets it all before directing Snape into James’s cell.

James shoots up from his spot on the mattress when Snape first comes in, but relaxes slightly when Sirius follows him in and he notices the gun still clutched in Sirius’s hand. “What’re you doing?” James asks, and Sirius shuts the door tight behind them before he answers.

“Your hair’s about the same length as old Snivellus’s, wouldn’t you say?” Sirius asks, pulling one of the guns back out of his pocket and tossing it to James. “Undo the safety and point this at him,” He adds.

“Seriously, Sirius, what the fuck are you doing?” James reiterates, but does as he’s told. Once James’s gun is directed at Snape Sirius shoves his into his waistband quickly before he proceeds to start stripping Snape out of his clothes.

“Hair’s about the same texture too, what with all the grease and mats,” Sirius comments, ignoring Snape's protesting as he removes the other man’s jacket. “At least you have the excuse James, Snape might have access to a shower but that doesn’t mean he knows how to use one.”

“I heard you were properly a faggot these days, but I didn’t realise that would result in you losing control of yourself and forcing yourself upon me,” Snape hisses, flinching away from Sirius’s hands but otherwise doing nothing to stop him.

Sirius laughs sarcastically. “I don’t know where you hear that, but I could be the gayest man in the world and I still wouldn’t want to touch you with a ten foot pole,” He retorts, dropping the jacket to the floor and starting in on the slightly wrinkled black dress shirt underneath. “As it is, James will be needing to borrow your clothes for the evening. Thanks in advance for your assistance; I’m sure Father will be delighted to hear about your role in saving Lily. He’s absolutely distraught, you see. Just devastated about her loss. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him quite so choked up.”

Snape's eyes narrow dangerously. “Whatever it is that you think you know-” He starts, but Sirius doesn’t give him the chance to finish. He whips the knife out of his pocket and presses it tight to Snape's throat, causing a small trickle of blood to dribble down his neck.

“I know exactly what it is you people have done,” Sirius snarls, fingers tightening reflexively around the knife handle with all the hatred he feels. “And despite you and Bella and Tom being ignorant enough to think you could pull this off, at least Father should’ve been smart enough to know that there’s nothing I won’t do to get Lily back. So if you would kindly shut the fuck up and do exactly as I order I’ll let you walk away with your life. I could kill you right here and it would make my life that much more easy. The only reason I haven’t done it already is purely just to watch you squirm.”

There’s still a hint of fury in Snape's glare, but Sirius is pleased to find that there’s also now a healthy dose of fear in there as well. He smirks with satisfaction before putting the knife back away and making short work of Snape's shirt, trousers, and shoes. When he’s finished he pulls his gun back out and trains it on Snape before turning his head to look at James. “Put his clothes on,” Sirius commands, and James hastens to do so.

“We’re going to need to get outside quickly, because I don’t want anyone to get a good look at your face,” Sirius tells James as he dresses, using his pistol almost idly to prod Snape over to the mattress and force him to sit. “And you’ll need to hunch a bit; he’s a bit shorter than you.”

“This is mad,” James comments, doing the buttons up on the shirt. “I thought I came up with some foolhardy plans in my day, but this takes the cake.”

“Hey, at least I’m not using books to traffic drugs,” Sirius teases, causing James to laugh in disbelief.

“You’re crazy. I knew we’d get along if given the chance,” James replies, shaking his head in wonder. Sirius just smirks.

Once James has squeezed himself into Snape's too small shoes and thrown the suit jacket over his shoulders Sirius gestures for him to depart the small room before he does. James opens the door and exits, but stands in the doorway almost anxiously as Sirius inches out as well, gun still directed at Snape.

“Well, Snivellus, it was nice seeing you again. Hopefully this will be for the last time ever. Give Father my best if he doesn’t murder you with his bare hands, and thanks again for all your help,” Sirius states, smiling as widely and insincerely as he can manage. When Snape does nothing but glare at him, eyes full of malice, Sirius salutes him with his free hand and backs out of the room, slamming the door shut as soon as he’s on the other side. He tucks away his gun and quickly locks it, praying that it’ll be awhile before anybody comes up here again.

“Alright, come on,” Sirius says quietly to James, indicating the door to the stairwell with a nod of his head. “Just keep your head down and don’t respond to anyone who might try to talk to you. I’ll do my best to keep any attention on me, so just stay a few paces ahead of me and keep moving. The exit is straight down two flights of stairs and at the end of the long corridor on the bottom floor.”

James nods sombrely. “We can do this.”

Sirius nods in answer and claps him on the shoulder reassuringly. “We’ve practically already done it.”

James smiles at him and pulls open the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and James make a break for it. James and Remus can't control the sass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual I'd like to apologise for the long wait between chapters. Only two more and you won't have to deal with my inconsistent chapter posting ever again! Or at least until I write another trashy wolfstar chaptered fic. Work has been hell as usual. I miss the good old days when I could spend the second half of my day being completely unproductive. RIP.

**Chapter Sixteen**

_ “There’s no price we won’t pay and we steal it back just to give it away _

_ It’s time now to replace these walls, the walls around our hearts _

_ When fear breaks the silence the choice has been made _

_ We’re listening now to sounds from the grave _

 

_ This brave opposition comes naturally _

_ Being exactly who we’re supposed to be _

_ Things will never change if we remain the same _

_ Our hearts call us by name” _

 

James is practically bursting when they finally round the corner to get off the street where the headquarters building is, and Sirius can’t quite tell whether it’s from nervousness or excitement. He’s panting slightly from the short burst of running they just did from the building, but despite needing to take a moment to stop for a breather, he’s grinning widely when he finally looks up to meet Sirius’s eyes.

“So this is what fresh air smells like,” He jokes, clutching slightly at the stitch in his side. “I’d almost forgotten what it’s like when you’re not surrounded by the scent of your own blood, sweat, and piss.”

Sirius grimaces slightly. “I’m really sorry you had to go through that. I should’ve done something about it sooner.”

James’s expression sobers. “Don’t worry about it. I understand why you felt that you couldn’t. I’ve met your dad enough times to get it. He’s fucking scary.”

Sirius smiles. “Yeah, he is. I’m not so scared of him now, though.”

“Good,” James says, nodding firmly. “He’s just a pathetic old man who’s wasted his life. The only good thing he ever did was help bring you and Lily into this world.”

“Well, Lily at least,” Sirius amends with a laugh. “But anyway. We should probably go get those tunnel maps as soon as possible.”

“I suppose we should,” James replies, starting off in the direction of the train station. “Come on, we’ve got to take the tube to get to the shop.”

“Yeah, I know the way,” Sirius confesses, realising that Lily really must’ve told James nothing about his relationship with Remus. He’s not sure how to feel about that.

James raises an eyebrow at him. “Oh you do?” He asks, turning slightly to look at Sirius as they hurry toward the tube entrance.

Sirius bites his lip for a second before he resolves to be truthful. “I do. I’ve been working there for the last few months, if I’m being honest. Remus gave me a job when I told him I was leaving the gang. Not that he knew I was in a gang at the time; I told him I worked at my father’s law firm.”

James frowns for a moment, then stops in his tracks. “Lily said you got a job from someone you were dating,” He says slowly, looking at Sirius in confusion. “Are you dating my brother?”

Sirius looks down at his feet, shoulders hunching as his hands bury themselves into his pockets. “I really don’t think I am anymore.” He clenches his jaw as he feels the hurt rise up in his chest over the memory of their fight. “When Peter called me about Lily I accidentally let it slip that I knew where you were and he got really upset and we got into a huge fight and I’m pretty sure that it’s over.”

“But it’s not your fault I got kidnapped!” James exclaims, clasping Sirius on the shoulder as they begin to walk again. “He’s never been involved with a gang; he doesn’t know what it’s like to not truly have a choice when it comes to doing what’s right. I’ll talk to him, okay? Besides, I’m out now and that’s entirely thanks to you. Don’t worry about it; I’ll make him see reason. He always listens to me.”

Sirius smiles in thanks, but it’s an empty smile. James hadn’t seen the look in Remus’s eyes. He had broken Remus’s trust and he had shattered the very foundation of their relationship. There’s no coming back from this.

“Come on, mate. We’ve got a rescue to execute,” James says, grabbing Sirius by the arm. He pulls him along for a second until Sirius can get his brain to connect with his feet again, and then they’re off.

\--

Sirius flat out refuses to go into the shop first, no matter what James insists. He doesn’t care how funny James thinks it would be for him to hide behind Sirius and then jump out and yell surprise; he cares much more about the accuracy and speed of Remus’s throwing arm when surrounded by stacks of books and faced with the man who essentially kidnapped his brother and lied about it for months.

“No wonder boring old Remus likes you, it’s obvious I was the one dating the fun twin,” James whines as they trudge up the street.

“Is that what dating is nowadays?” Sirius asks dryly. “Hooking up on a mattress on the floor of a dingy holding cell every other night?”

James shoots him a glare. “At least we weren’t hooking up in a bookshop probably against the shelves like some kind of trashy librarian porn.”

“Okay we only did that once,” Sirius objects, giving him a shove. “We usually made it to the desk in the back room at least.”

“Are you kidding me? That’s my desk!” James cries, stomping his feet like a child. 

Sirius laughs. “I had to pay you back for that time I walked in on you and Lily, didn’t I?”

James pouts and crosses his arms, stopping outside the shop as they finally reach the door. “Remind me later to destroy you,” He grumbles, and then pulls open the door before Sirius can respond.

Sirius follows him almost timidly, trying to keep himself as much behind James as possible so Remus can focus on the good and overlook the bad. All his planning is for naught, however, when the front counter comes into view and Remus isn’t even there.

“What the hell?” James mumbles, frowning. “Leaving the store unwatched, I’m gonna whack him.” Then he glances back at Sirius. “You go start looking for the book, okay?” Without waiting for an answer from Sirius he sets off for the back office, shouting out, “Hey dweeb, what have I told you a million fucking times about hiding in the back office when there’s nobody out on the floor?”

Sirius smiles wistfully to himself as he hears Remus let out a loud whoop at the sight of his brother. Even if he’s destroyed everything between them, at least he was able to give him this. Making Remus smile will always be his favourite hobby.

James and Remus come back out of the office after a few minutes, conversing loudly and enthusiastically. Remus doesn’t notice Sirius for a minute, until James calls over, “Hey, have you found the book yet?”

Sirius looks over toward them at the same time that Remus looks up at him, and their eyes lock for one frozen second before Remus breaks eye contact and looks back to James, shoulders hiking unconsciously up around his ears. “No luck so far,” Sirius replies tentatively.

James rolls his eyes and grabs Remus’s elbow, dragging him into the shelves. “Come on,” He orders, “We’ve got to find this book that I swear we had that has a bunch of maps of old Underground tunnels that aren’t in use anymore. Have you seen it around?”

Remus’s brow furrows in thought. “I know we haven’t sold it so it’s got to be here somewhere. But what on earth do you need a book about the old tunnel system for?”

“Lily got kidnapped and we think that’s where she’s been taken,” James replies, sorting through the books quickly. “We wanted to consult the maps so we didn’t waste years down there looking for her.”

“You’re going to help him?” He asks in disbelief. “After everything he’s done to you?” Sirius bows his head in shame.

“It’s not his fault,” James argues quietly, crossing his arms firmly. “You haven’t met their father, Remy, but please believe me when I tell you that if they’d tried to help me we all would’ve been killed.”

“If that’s the case then how are you here right now?” Remus retorts, crossing his arms as well.

“Quick thinking and a once in a lifetime opportunity to strip a bastard down to his drawers,” James says with a grin toward Sirius. Sirius kind of feels like crawling into a hole and dying, but he gives James a weak smile in return.

Remus rolls his eyes. “Whatever. I’ll help for your sake, Jamie, but once you’ve got the book I’m out.”

“Fine, spoilsport,” James teases, bumping his hip against Remus’s. “But just so you know, this is my soon to be wife and the future mother of my children that we’re talking about here. And if you don’t help us go look for her then I’m not so sure how keen she’s going to feel about naming you as one of the godfathers of our twenty five unborn children.”

Sirius snorts, and out of the corner of his eye he can see Remus shoot a look toward him. He keeps his head tucked down steadfastly, not willing to give Remus a reason to start yelling at him again. He knows he deserves it, but he’d rather keep the peace for the time being. Remus can yell at him for the rest of his life if he wants, once Lily’s safe. For now he’s just hoping that James’s presence will be enough to pacify him for the rest of the time they’re stuck together.

“Well it’s probably going to be in the transportation section,” Remus finally offers, shouldering his way past James to start picking through the shelves. “I don’t know why you’re looking in architecture,” he adds snidely to Sirius, refusing to make eye contact when he speaks to him.

“I reorganised transportation last week,” Sirius replies softly, regretting the necessity of contradicting Remus when he’s already so mad. “I didn’t see anything in there about the Underground.”

Remus does look at him then, but it’s only to give him a hard, cold glare before he turns away again with a distinct and dramatic roll of his eyes.

“Oh lose the attitude, Remy,” James orders, shoving his arm as he moves to join Sirius in the architecture section. “It wasn’t his fault and obviously I’m fine so both of you can just stop acting like you don’t love each other already.”

Sirius flushes pink and hitches his shoulders up higher than he thought possible. “I’m not acting like I don’t love him,” He mumbles. “I just know that it doesn’t matter anymore.”

Remus lets out a sarcastic laugh. When Sirius looks at him he glares back for a moment before looking away again. “That’s obviously not true,” he objects as he moves awkwardly toward the architecture section like he’s hoping he won’t get caught because then he’d have to admit that Sirius is right about something.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Sirius retorts, finally looking away from the shelves in front of him to turn toward Remus, arms crossing over his chest. Remus can be mad all he wants, but if he’s about to pretend he knows even half of what’s been going through Sirius’s mind then he’s got another thing coming.

Remus rolls his eyes. “If you loved me then you never would have done what you did to my brother, and you wouldn’t have lied about it afterward. If you truly cared about me you wouldn’t have been able to keep that from me. I don’t know what your game is now but don’t fucking pretend like you ever loved me just to get back into my good graces because it’s not going to work. You screwed yourself over on that one a long time ago.”

Sirius can practically feel the veins in his neck throbbing, and he’s sure he’s bright red. He’s feeling less and less sorry by the second, and increasingly more angry with Remus. “I’m not playing any fucking games,” He starts to snap, only to be met by Remus holding up a hand to stop him.

“Please, I believed your lies for long enough. I bet you were just trying to use me for information the whole time we were ‘together,’” He says, and the way he says the word ‘together’ makes Sirius feel nauseated. Like their whole relationship means nothing to him now.

“Okay so maybe I tried that for about three minutes the first time I came in, but the second you started handing out cat porn I was pretty damn sure that you wouldn’t be any use in that regard.” Sirius runs his hands through his hair, turning back to the bookshelf so that Remus can’t see the tears that are beginning to gather in his eyes again. He can’t bear the thought that Remus can just dismiss everything they had together so easily.

“Did you just say cat porn?” James asks from behind him, and Sirius practically jumps at the sound of his voice. He had all but forgotten that the other man was there. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Rem? And you, Sirius; you fell in love with a man who introduced himself to you by giving you cat porn? It’s probably a good thing I’ve been locked up so I didn’t have to deal with you freaks.”

Sirius laughs despite himself, and he even hears Remus let out a reluctant chuckle. “Anyway,” James continues, pushing past him to stand between the two of them, “I think I’ve found what we’re looking for.” He waves a thin book that Sirius now notices is clutched tightly in his right hand. “Shall we go do some research instead of bickering over who’s in love with who like a bunch of teenagers? Because for the record you’re both in love and I can tell just by the way you look at each other when the other isn’t looking. So let that be the end of it and come help me find  _ my  _ love, you giant twats.”

Sirius flushes again, and when he glances up at Remus as he follows James to the back office, the other man is blushing as well. “Fuck off James,” Remus mutters as he begins to trail after them, but Sirius notices with cautious hope that he doesn’t outright deny it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are off to the tunnels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly not super 100% wildly happy about this chapter, so if anyone has any advice on how to make it better please let me know. It feels kind of anti-climactic and I can't quite decide on how I want to change that. Revising is my least favourite part of writing.
> 
> ANYWAY. This is the last chapter before the epilogue! Can you believe we're already here? Because I can't. When I finished writing this story I honestly teared up a little bit because I never wanted it to end. I'm also now contemplating writing a sequel because I can't leave well enough alone. If y'all want a sequel, definitely let me know, and if you have any ideas for it I would love to hear them.

**Chapter Seventeen**

_ A lie is a lie with crossed hearts and hopes to die _

_ You can find me underground, _

_ where I can't hear a sound. _

_ I watched you get down on your knees, _

_ in hopes that I would turn around. _

_ So now you'll find me underground, _

_ where I can't hear a sound _

 

“I don’t know how the fuck you figured those bloody maps out, but thank God you did,” James prattles enthusiastically, slinging an arm around Remus’s neck and tugging him in to muss his hair as they slowly make their way down the dank and decrepit steps that supposedly lead not just into darkness, but toward Lily as well.

Remus pulls away from James sharply and attempts to fix his hair while a slight hint of pink flares up on his cheeks. He mutters something, but the sound of a nearby train roaring past is too loud for Sirius to hear over. He can guess the general idea, however, from the eye roll and unimpressed expression from James that accompanies his response.

“Who exactly is here that you could possibly be embarrassed in front of?” James asks, taking a flashlight out of one of his pockets as they descend and the air around them grows increasingly darker. “I know you’re not talking about Sirius because I am quite sure he’s messed your hair up much worse than that in the past and I know you didn’t have any such qualms about it then.”

Despite the dim light, Sirius notices Remus’s blush deepen. He’s sure his own does too. “Can you not?” Sirius finally asks James, thwacking him slightly on the arm. “It’s kind of a touchy subject at the moment.”

Remus snorts, but before he can make any snide comments pointing the blame at Sirius, James cuts in. “Nobody asked for your input, Remy. Didn’t your mother ever teach you that if you don’t have something nice to say then you shouldn’t say anything at all?” Remus opens his mouth once more to speak, but James interrupts him again. “Trick question; I know she did because she was my mother too and I know she told us both about fifty times a day.”

Remus glares but keeps his mouth shut this time, so James smiles smugly and turns to look at Sirius. “I don’t know what you’ve been allowing him to get away with, but I’ve found that he always responds best to a firm hand.”

Sirius’s eyebrows shoot up practically into his hairline, and Remus begins to splutter out a long string of words that consist primarily of the word fuck, along with various other curses. “That is not true,” He finally manages to get out coherently, which James acknowledges with another exaggerated roll of his eyes.

“It so is,” He counters, and Sirius is almost surprised that he doesn’t accompany his words with a stuck out tongue. “You do everything I tell you to do.”

“Yeah, well we kind of had the opposite thing going on there,” Sirius interjects quietly, hoping Remus can’t hear him despite himself. He knows he probably shouldn’t have said it at all, it’s just that it kind of slipped out.

Remus doesn’t hear it, much to Sirius’s relief, but James does, and that’s more than enough. He lets out a whoop of glee, laughing a bit hysterically before grabbing Remus to give him an even more enthusiastic noogie than the first one.

“Will you fucking quit it?!” Remus exclaims angrily, this time failing completely to pull away from his brother’s abrasive hands.

“Why didn’t you say anything, little brother?!” James asks with excitement, finally releasing Remus from his hold. “Damn, and all this time I just thought you were another nerdy twink cliche.”

“Oh my fucking god,” Sirius says, at the same time that Remus turns to him with a furious glare and asks, “What the fuck did you tell him?”

“I didn’t mean to,” Sirius replies quickly, holding his hands up in case Remus gets any bright ideas about attacking him. “It just came out.”

Remus’s nostrils flair and his jaw clenches noticeably. “Good to know that it’s only me that you can keep secrets from without a problem.”

Sirius scrubs his hands over his face roughly in exasperation. “I’m  _ sorry _ ,” is all he can come up with. He feels like he’s explained himself in every way he knows how over the last few hours and nothing has made a difference; if anything he just keeps making it worse. At some point he has to accept that there’s nothing more that can be done and he’ll just has to live with the consequences of what he’s done.

“That’s enough, ladies,” James finally pipes up from a few paces in front of them. “I suppose we ought to quiet down a bit since this place is dark as shit and we never know when and where a sneak attack may occur.”

That’s enough to quiet Sirius and Remus’s bickering for now. Sirius stares resolutely ahead, not daring to cast a glance left toward Remus in the event that he might provoke his wrath once more. He takes the flashlight that’s in his pocket out, deciding that James’s torch alone isn’t enough to properly light the dingy passageway they’re walking through, and also removes the gun still tucked away in his waistband. He’d given the two he’d found on Snape to both James and Remus before they left the bookshop. James had accepted his excitedly, insisting that Sirius go over proper usage and storage about fifteen times before removing the bullets to practice his stance in the mirror in the back office. Remus had been ostensibly uncomfortable when Sirius had handed one to him but kept it mostly to himself, opting instead to mumble something about Sirius being lucky if Remus decides not to shoot him the moment he turns his back. Despite Remus’s present feelings towards him Sirius can’t help but feel fairly confident that Remus is the last person who he has to worry about shooting him right now. Even James is more of a risk; Sirius gets the feeling that he might be a bit too trigger happy for his own good if given the chance.

When James notices Sirius’s gun out he too, of course, decides his should be out. After that Remus removes his, probably in order to not feel left out, and Sirius can’t help but roll his eyes. “You two better not actually use those things,” He warns them, ignoring both James’s indignant protestations and Remus’s dramatic eye roll. “I’m not kidding; neither of you know how to properly use them and I don’t need you hurting yourselves or the rest of us on my watch.”

James finally grumbles in agreement and puts his back in his waistband, but Remus only grips his tighter. “Rem, I’m not kidding,” Sirius starts to say, but Remus interrupts him.

“I’m not going to use it unless I have to,” Remus concedes, glancing around the tunnel up ahead of them warily. “But I don’t want anyone we may happen to come across to know that, do I?”

Sirius can’t help but grin. “This is why you’re the smart one,” he teases, forgetting himself for a moment.

Remus smirks back for a few seconds before James stumbles noisily on a rock in front of them, jerking them both back to the present. Remus immediately scowls fiercely and looks away, and Sirius watches him wistfully for another moment before directing his attention back to the mission at hand.

They wander the tunnels for what feels like hours, and with a lack of watches and only Snape’s presently dead phone to go off of, they really don’t have any concept of time after awhile. There are only a few different places that Remus had speculated Lily might be, once he had cross referenced the old Underground map with both a current map and an extensive amount of newspaper reports about collapsed areas and rebuilt areas, but the spots are far apart and the old map is now hard to read under Remus’s severe annotating. James suggests splitting up at first, but Sirius immediately forbids it, refusing to let either of them out of his sight when Bellatrix could be anywhere waiting for one of them to cross her path, and once he brings that up James drops the subject immediately.

Finally, after what could only have been at least three hours of wandering and searching, Sirius starts to notice a faint orange light coming from up ahead. He pulls James and Remus to a stop, gesturing toward the light wordlessly when they look at him in confusion.

“What do you think it is?” James asks quietly, pulling his gun back out and holding in in one of the many stances he had practiced earlier. “Should we go in guns ablazing?”

Sirius raises an eyebrow and Remus flicks him in the ear. They both ignore him when he whines in protest. “I’ll take the lead,” He states, mind racing. “Remus, you take the rear. I don’t expect an attack from the rear, since I’ve been keeping an eye out for one this whole time, but in the event that one does occur I’m going to need someone with a level head back there.”

James continues to protest, but Remus gives him a sad smile. “You really have done this kind of stuff before.”

Sirius matches his expression. “Yeah, I have,” he answers softly. “I had kind of hoped to never do it again, but I guess it’s all I’ve ever really been good for. It’s my own fault for getting my hopes up and thinking I might deserve something better than this but I guess you and my father were right after all.”

Remus opens his mouth, probably to rub more salt in the wound, but Sirius doesn’t think he can take much more of it so he turns away and begins walking again, with sure, even steps toward the flickering orange light. James hurries to follow, and he knows that somewhere behind them Remus is bringing up the rear.

When they round one final corner and reach the end of the tunnel where a bright fire is blazing in a large metal bin in the centre of the area Sirius almost laughs out loud in sheer relief, despite his instinct telling him to keep waiting for a trap of some kind; there’s no way this was all so easy. Because there, in the shadows that are being thrown across the walls by the dancing flames, is Lily, tied to a chair in a corner with her back facing toward them.

James gasps out loud behind him and instantly makes a move to run to her. Sirius holds him back automatically as Lily attempts to look behind her, despite the blindfold tied tightly over her eyes. “Slow down,” He murmurs to James, casting him a quick glance in an attempt to convey how serious he is with his eyes. “We need to scope everything out and make sure there isn’t a trap.”

James swallows audibly and nods sharply. He restrains himself from rushing over to Lily, but Sirius can tell it’s a struggle. They both start peering around the area, and when Sirius looks over toward Remus he sees that he’s staring off into the darkness behind him, shoulders set with tension and gun clenched in a fist at his side.

Once Sirius has established that there’s nowhere that a person could hide in order to ambush him, at least that he can see, he slowly starts moving around the perimeter starting at the left side, and gestures for James to do the same starting on the right. They meet behind Lily, and once again Sirius motions for James to hold back for a moment. Sirius shines his flashlight behind Lily’s left ear and looks closely, double-checking that it is indeed her by the tiny heart shaped birthmark she has there. When his eyes finally land on the small dot just inside her hairline he can’t help but grin widely up at James. He quickly snatches Snape's knife out of his pocket and slices through the bindings at her wrists with one swift motion, then pulls the blindfold from her head.

Lily sits there for a moment, gazing at him in shock, and then she leaps from her seat and throws her arms around his neck. Sirius grips her tightly around the waist and supports most of her weight as her legs tremble worryingly beneath her. She buries her face into his shoulder and starts to cry, and out of everything that Sirius has dealt with the entire day it’s her hard, open sobbing that shocks and alarms him the most.

“Shh,” he soothes, rubbing a hand over her back. “You’re okay now. I’ve got you, Lil. Everything’s going to be just fine now.”

She nods against him, still refusing to lift her head. “I thought I was never going to see you again,” she whispers into his now damp t-shirt, clinging to the back of it with one hand. “I thought they were going to kill you or something the second you got back to headquarters.”

“Nah,” Sirius jokes, attempting to lighten her mood, if even just a bit. “They aren’t smart enough to come up with a decent plan. I think Father was trying to use you to try and bribe me to come back permanently. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t know I have James on my side.”

She finally does look up then, and Sirius’s heart breaks a little at how puffy and bloodshot her eyes are. It’s obvious that she’s been crying for much longer than the past few minutes. “James? Is he okay?” She asks, a frantic look growing in her eyes. It fades quickly, however, when James clears his throat from behind her, and she turns to take him in.

After a moment of staring she finally seems to shake off the confusion of James’s presence, and then she throws herself into his arms as well. They stand there for several long minutes clutching each other tightly, James pressing soft kisses into Lily’s hair as she lays her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes. Sirius and Remus’s eyes meet over the top of their heads for a second before Sirius looks quickly away, feeling awkward. It’s one thing to be invading Lily and James’s private moment by himself, it’s an entirely other thing to be doing it while his boyfriend who almost definitely just broke up with him is standing there as well.

Finally Lily pulls away, looking around for Sirius. “We’ve got to go soon,” She informs him, pulling away from James only enough to properly face Sirius, but still staying close. “Someone is supposed to be back to check on me in the next hour or so. It’s hard to keep proper track of time but I’ve been counting.”

Sirius laughs in disbelief. “You’ve been using counting to keep track of time?” He asks incredulously. “You are something else. I could never keep focus long enough to do that.”

 

Lily smiles for the first time since her blindfold was removed, albeit a bit wryly. “I knew that about you,” she teases.

Sirius rolls his eyes fondly and ruffles her hair. “Come on, genius, let’s go.”

\--

Lily makes Sirius and Remus walk up ahead, despite the anxious glances Sirius continues to shoot back at her every once in awhile. She holds James’s hand tightly as they walk, over her shoulder since his arm is wrapped around her upper back. He can’t seem to stop kissing her, mostly on the top of her head, but occasionally he’ll pull her to a brief stop so he can press his mouth firmly to hers. She can still feel a slight hint of desperation behind it, but it fades a little with every kiss.

After they’ve been walking for several minutes James speaks up. “I was so worried about you,” he murmurs into her hair after a planting another kiss there. “I heard you screaming and I tried so hard to get to you but someone had locked the door.”

Lily smiles sheepishly. “I’m afraid that was me. I was worried you’d try to do something stupid if something happened to me.”

James glares at her, but there’s no real anger behind it; at this point he’s too relieved to be mad. “Of course it was you. I should have known.”

“Why, because I have a habit of foiling your poorly-wrought plans?” Lily teases, but pulls his arm closer around her for a moment to soften her words.

“Yeah, exactly,” James agrees, smiling ruefully. “It’s funny though; no matter how much you tried to sabotage me and resist my efforts, we’ve still ended up here.” Lily quiets at that, and James looks at her with a bit of confusion. “What?” He asks.

After another quiet moment she finally speaks up. “The only reason I ever tried to fight you off was because I knew being with you was wrong,” she admits softly.

James eyebrows rise quizzically. “What on earth does that mean?”

She sighs and runs her free hand through her hair. “After we hooked up at that party last year, when I came downstairs some girl told me that you had a girlfriend and that you lived together. I don’t know if you’re still dating her but it wasn’t right at the time and it still doesn’t sit right with me that I slept with someone who was committed to someone else. I never wanted to be that girl and you tricked me into it.”

James pulls her to a sudden stop, removing his arm from around her shoulders so he can turn her to look at him head on. “Who told you that? Was it a short girl with a brown bob and a nose that looks like she just smelled the most foul thing in the world?”

Lily laughs at the description despite herself. “Yeah, it was actually. How did you know?”

With a sigh, James puts his arm back around her and resumes walking. “Fucking Mary McDonald. I went on like one date with her freshman year and she’s been pulling this shit ever since. She made racist comments about the guy sitting at the table behind us the whole time; I don’t know why she thought I’d want to pursue anything with her after all that. A few weeks later I went on a date with a different girl and then the girl texted me like two days afterward calling me all sorts of names without any explanation. I don’t know why I didn’t expect Mary not to be up to her same old tricks.”

Lily looks up at him, trying not to let her hope rise but failing miserably. “I want to believe you but I’m not sure that I should.”

“Hey Remus,” James calls up toward his brother’s slouched form. “Have I ever had a live in girlfriend?”

Remus glances back toward them, giving James an unimpressed look. “Mate, you haven’t ever had a girlfriend at all.”

“Yeah, well neither have you,” James retorts. He then turns back to Lily, beaming despite the insult. “See? Never even had a girlfriend. Want to be my first?”

Lily can’t help but laugh. “Alright, you giant dork. I guess someone’s got to bite the bullet.”

James grins so brightly that Lily thinks offhandedly that he could probably illuminate these tunnels all by himself. He pulls her in close and mumbles into her hair, “I really do love you, you know.”

Lily closes her eyes and takes it in, for the first time in her life not fearing the moment someone spoke those words to her. She thinks about everything James Potter is, and everything he makes her feel when she’s in his presence. She thinks about how she could laugh at him for the rest of her life. She tastes the words on her tongue, sounds it out with just her lips at first, to see if it sits right there. Finally she opens her eyes, looking up into a face that she could never grow tired of looking at. She takes a deep breath and says, “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to do you like that, Mary. I couldn't think of anyone else to use. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading :)


	18. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James gives Remus a stern talking to. There's a lot of crying. The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, it's the last chapter! I have a lot more to say but I'm going to save it for the end of chapter notes.

**Epilogue**

 

_ I found my place in the world _

_ Could stare at your face for the rest of my days _

_ Now I can breathe, turn my insides out and smother me _

_ Warm and alive I’m all over you _

_ Would you smother me? _

 

“James Fleamont Potter, if you use up the rest of my conditioner one more time I’m going to strangle you where you stand,” Lily yells from the bathroom, and James laughs as he shoots a grin across the living room to his brother, who’s sitting on the sofa. Remus gives him a look like he must be crazy and yeah, James can’t argue with that.

“You wouldn’t dare,” he calls back. “The only thing worse than having a bastard child is having a bastard child with a dead father.”

Lily retorts with a wordless scream of rage, which only makes James chuckle fondly. “She’s a great gal,” he says conversationally to Remus, who is now looking quite alarmed. “Told you she was going to be the mother of my children.”

“You also said future wife,” Remus reminds him dryly. “I don’t see that happening anytime soon.”

“Hormones,” James explains dismissively with a blissfully contented smile. “I’ve just got to wear her down like I always do.”

Remus snorts. “Good luck with that.”

James raises an eyebrow, deciding it’s time to turn the tables. “What about you, then? Got anyone to brag to me about? Since you seem to suddenly be the expert on relationships I can only assume you’ve either found someone or you’ve finally gotten over your stupid pride thing and gone to beg Sirius to take you back.”

Remus glares at him, but James doesn’t miss the quick glance he darts toward the wall, where among several photos that Lily’s hung up is a picture of Sirius grinning brightly into the camera while giving James a noogie. “I told you, I’m over him.”

“Yeah, right,” James replies, rolling his eyes. “The day you’re over him is the day I find out that you’re secretly the real father of Lily’s and my child.”

“I am so over him,” Remus snaps, crossing his arms and pouting impressively. “And fuck off; I’m not pouting,” He adds, when he sees James open his mouth to make a comment.

“Are so,” James mumbles, but leaves it at that for now. He’s got more important things to argue with Remus about. “But anyway. Let’s get back to how you and Sirius are supposed to be together and you’re throwing it away for nothing.”

“It isn’t for nothing,” Remus bites back, glowering viciously. “He maintained a huge fucking lie the entire time we were together. I can’t trust him.”

“Oh get over it,” James replies, rolling his eyes again.

Remus stares at him in shock. “Excuse me?” He says slowly.

James sighs heavily. “Like I get why you’re upset, but you’re upset at the wrong person. It’s not like he lied to you just for the hell of it; he was trying to protect himself. And he was trying to protect us. If you knew where I was, what would you have done?”

Remus scowls. “I would’ve broken in and tried to rescue you.”

James nods firmly. “Precisely. And once they caught you and killed you - because that’s exactly what would have happened - what would I have done?” Remus shrugs sullenly. “I would’ve tried to avenge you and then I would’ve ended up dead too.”

“But he freed you in the end,” Remus insists, raking his hands through his hair anxiously. “Why couldn’t he have done that the whole time?”

James stands up and walks over to the couch where Remus sits before dropping down next to him and throwing an arm around his shoulders. “Listen, baby brother. You didn’t see him in that place like I did. He was like a shadow back then. They both were. You have no idea what their father is really like and how much damage he did to them. He fucked them up so bad, Remy. All he could think about was getting himself through each day unscathed. I don’t think it ever even crossed his mind that he could do something until he did it.”

Remus bites his lip and sighs, resting his head on James’s shoulder. “I’ve been so angry with him for so long. I don’t know why he’d even give me a chance anymore,” he admits quietly, hands tangling together in his lap. “I still miss him all the time but I’m so scared that I’ve pushed him too far away.”

“You haven’t,” James reassures him with a shake of his head. “He’s been waiting for you this whole time. He told Lily that he’d wait forever if there was even a chance that you’d forgive him.”

Remus sits upright then, looking at James urgently. “No he’s not,” Remus contradicts automatically. “He’s so stupid. He could have anyone in the entire world. Why the fuck would he be waiting for  _ me _ ?”

“Well he couldn’t have me,” James replies automatically, smiling dreamily toward the bathroom, where he can still hear Lily occasionally cursing him and his entire line to a lifetime of infertility. Then he looks at Remus and properly takes in the question. “Why? Are you kidding me? Because he loves you, you stubborn ass.”

Remus rises from the couch then, and James notices that his hands are trembling. “I have to go,” he says, sounding slightly dazed from the revelation. He rushes toward the front door, snagging his beaten up brown jacket off the coat rack as he goes.

“Go get him, tiger!” James calls after him, to which a slammed door is the only response. After a moment another door opens behind him, and he turns to see a somewhat damp Lily emerging from the bathroom, a fluffy blue towel clutched around her but slight baby bump still visible underneath.

“Think they’re actually going to work their shit out this time?” Lily asks, plopping down in his lap and letting her sopping wet hair trickle down the front of his shirt.

James doesn’t even care; he just beams at her and holds her around the waist. “Dear God, one can only hope.”

\--

Sirius can’t help but feel the slightest bit bored as he stands at the front counter of the bookstore, rereading the same sentence of the novel in front of him for possibly the hundredth time. It’s no surprise that the store has been empty all day; it’s a Friday morning after all, and most people are at work right now. It’s usually a bit busier during the rest of the week, when parents and teachers and people on their lunch breaks want to stop by to waste some time or procrastinate on something, but on Fridays it’s as though everybody just keeps on hustling through in hopes of making the weekend come faster. And thus, not a single soul has even come into the shop yet today.

He also can’t help himself from being faintly annoyed with Remus for essentially forcing the Friday shift onto him. He supposes he should be grateful that he didn’t just get fired flat out, but he knows he only has James to thank for that. He’d overheard them fighting about it, actually, when he’d come into the shop for his shift following the day that he’d freed James and Lily. Remus had basically been begging James to fire Sirius, saying that it would be too awkward for them to work together now. James had told him to suck it up and deal, saying something about how he owed Sirius both his life and his future, and that had been the end of the talk of firing.

It was not, however, the end of Remus making things as awkward and uncomfortable as he possibly could. He refused to work at the same time as Sirius, and any time that James basically forced him into it he would hole himself up in the back office the whole time and wouldn’t speak a word to the other man. Sirius had felt miserable and endlessly guilty for awhile, but the more petulant Remus acted, the angrier Sirius got. There’s only so many times that you can apologise and beg for forgiveness before you realise that you’ve made amends as best you can and you can’t stop anyone from holding a grudge just to spite you.

Sirius cringes slightly as he remembers the worst of his begging. It had only been a few weeks after everything had happened, and Sirius had gotten himself piss drunk in an attempt to stop himself from missing Remus. This plan had backfired spectacularly, however, and he ended up calling Remus and crying incoherently into his voicemail for several long minutes, resulting in a pissed off but concerned Remus showing up at his apartment shortly after to make sure he wasn’t going to kill himself or something, in Remus’s words. Sirius then proceeded to cry for several more minutes on Remus’s shoulder, all the while pleading with him to forgive him and take him back. Despite fervent attempts to completely block it from his memory, Sirius also distinctly recalls trying to seduce Remus in his pathetic, drunken state, to which Remus understandably said no. It was mildly horrific, to say the least.

Sirius finally slams the book in front of him shut, giving up on the idea that he might get through any more of it today. He resolves to go out for a cigarette, despite his last smoke break being only half an hour ago, but he just can’t stand his boredom anymore and hopes futilely that a slight change in scenery might help even just a bit. Just as he’s coming around the counter, however, Remus bursts in through the front door, a determined sort of look set firmly on his face.

Sirius jumps slightly, moving to go back behind the counter before Remus can give him his signature ‘why aren’t you doing your job?’ glare. It seems as though Remus has other ideas, however, as he marches resolutely toward Sirius, and before he can get back into his place Remus has him pinned up against the counter with his arms on either side.

“What are you doing?” Sirius asks shakily, feeling unsure and nervous but also slightly hopeful despite himself. This is more attention than Remus has given him in months, and he can’t help the fluttering feeling that’s erupted in his stomach at the contact he’s been craving so desperately.

“Shut up,” Remus retorts, but there’s no bite to it. He’s just gazing at Sirius’s face, as if he’s taking him in for the first time in a very long time. “James told me you said you were waiting for me,” he finally murmurs after a long minute of silence. “Why would you do that? I’ve done nothing but push you away for months.”

Sirius swallows anxiously. “I know,” he answers sadly, looking down at his feet. “I know you don’t feel the same, but I can’t help that I’m still in love with you. I know it’s a lost cause, and I’m sorry I can’t just turn it off with a snap. Maybe I’ll be able to get over it someday. It’s just going to take awhile is all.”

Remus shakes his head. “Don’t,” he says roughly, and Sirius looks at him in confusion.

“Don’t what?” Sirius questions, frowning. “Don’t be in love with you? I’m trying, but it’s harder than it looks.”

“Don’t get over it. Don’t get over me,” Remus explains, finally moving to reach up and tuck a lock of Sirius’s hair behind his ear with a trembling hand.

Sirius’s breath catches in his throat, but he knows better than to get his hopes up. “I’m confused,” he admits, reaching out unconsciously despite himself to put a tentative hand on Remus’s chest. “I thought you wanted me to.”

Remus shakes his head again and frowns, as if trying to figure out what exactly to say next. “I thought I did too,” he clarifies slowly, taking Sirius’s face in his hands and looking him steadily in the eyes. “But I was wrong. I was just trying to convince myself that I’m not still in love with you too.”

Sirius’s heart is pounding rapidly in his chest, and he moves to place his hands over Remus’s hands and hold them tightly. “What are you saying, Rem?” He breathes.

Remus leans in to press their foreheads together, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. “I’m saying I’m sorry. I’m saying I’ve been a stubborn fool this entire time. I’m saying I should have given you a chance to explain and I should have been more understanding. I’m saying I don’t want to spend another second of my life without you by my side. These last few months have been miserable without you.”

Sirius stares at Remus’s closed eyes, unable to bring himself to speak and shatter this beautiful dream he’s conjured up. He hasn’t had many dreams about Remus that aren’t just a replay of their fight on a loop and he wants to savour this one, despite the tears steadily sliding down his cheeks.

When one of Sirius’s tears lands on Remus’s hand he finally opens his eyes and pulls back slightly. “Don’t cry, baby,” he consoles immediately, wiping the tears away with his thumbs even as he begins to tear up as well. “Why are you crying?”

With a heavy swallow Sirius shakes his head slightly and blinks back more tears. “I’m just not looking forward to the part where I wake up and this is just another dream and you still don’t want me,” he whispers, clutching onto the front of Remus’s shirt when he thinks about having to lose him all over again.

“There is not a single universe or dream or lifetime where I don’t want you,” Remus replies, removing his hands from Sirius’s face to wrap him up into a tight embrace. “Come on love, don’t cry. I can pinch you if you’d like to prove that you’re awake.”

Sirius can’t help but let out a watery chuckle at that, and that’s all it takes for him to finally pull himself together. He takes a deep breath and straightens, meeting Remus’s eyes with a serious expression. “Are you sure?” He asks. “Because God, Remus, I want to be with you so badly, but if you left me again I think it would destroy me.”

Remus nods vigorously, taking Sirius’s hands in his. “I’m sure. I realised that in the end I wasn’t even so angry about what you had done anymore. I was angry because I felt like it was something I wasn’t allowed to forgive you for and then I couldn’t be with you anymore because of it. But if James doesn’t hold it against you then I really have no reason to either. And truthfully I don’t want to anymore. I just want to hold you.”

“What a line,” Sirius teases gently. “Do you use that on all the girls?”

“Just the really pretty ones,” Remus replies, his grin nearly blinding as he realises that all their fighting and awkwardness and avoidance is finally coming to an end and they’re still there underneath it all.

Sirius laughs, and that’s when Remus can’t resist drawing him into a kiss any longer. “Since the invention of the kiss there have only been five -” Remus starts to quote when they finally pull back, but Sirius stops him with a light shove to his chest.

“God, I really hate you,” he says fondly, tugging him back down into another deep kiss. And this one really did them all behind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for that incredibly lame ending that I 100% stole from The Princess Bride.
> 
> Here comes my Oscar speech, are you ready?
> 
> First and foremost, I have to thank someone only known to me as emofreaky, who used to be a writing friend of mine way back 8 years or so ago on deviantArt, who wrote a My Chemical Romance gang fanfic that changed my life and inspired me to write the fic you see before you today. I lost contact with her a long time ago, but so much credit goes to her because without her and her amazing writing this story never would have even been conceived. Wherever you are, emofreaky, I hope you know that you are a hero and an inspiration.
> 
> I also want to say thank you to everyone who has read and commented and given kudos and bookmarked and subscribed to this fic, but I especially need to thank HPsmartone32 and theFearTakesHold, who wrote me amazing, thoughtful, encouraging, and just all around wonderful comments on every single chapter I posted. Thank you guys so so so much, I can never tell you how much it means to me. Every single time I read your comments you brightened my day, and every single time I posted an update I looked forward to what you guys had to say. I would send you both fruit baskets or something if I could.
> 
> I'm sure the get off the stage music is about to start playing any second, so I'm gonna wrap this up by saying thank you to my favourite band, The Used, whose album The Canyon never stopped inspiring me and pushing me to finish this story; if you have not listened to this album please let me know and I will illegally email you all the mp3 files. If Bert McCracken encourages people to steal his music from Walmart I'm sure he won't have a problem with me doing so. Also, thank you to The Notorious B.I.G. and his album Life After Death for helping me paint this picture the way I wanted to. Miss you, Bigs.
> 
> This all became much more verbose than I originally had intended, but what can I say? I'm a long-winded kind of guy. Hopefully I will be back in the relatively near future with a sequel, or something completely new altogether. I've had lots of ideas for chaptered fics that I've been contemplating, so now it's just a matter of actually writing them. But in the meantime, I love writing oneshots for people, so feel free to send me prompts whenever your hearts desire, and it doesn't have to be just wolfstar. I'll write anything once. You can comment here, or feel free to message me on tumblr, since I finally made one (it's queeriusly.tumblr.com - ps I follow back).
> 
> I think that's everything I had to say, but if not I'm just going to have to suck it up, because the wrap it up music has been playing for quite some time now. So, to conclude this author's note that might be longer than the chapter itself, I must say as always, thanks for reading :)


	19. Sequel Preview

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius break some things. Harry is done with their shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this, an update?!
> 
> Well, sort of. It's a sneak preview of the sequel! It's not nearly finished yet; I've only written the first two chapters so far. But, I am solidly trucking along, and I really wanted to give you guys a little peek into what you're in store for. This is an excerpt from chapter one; let me know what you think, and if you have any hopes and dreams for the sequel!
> 
> I am hoping to have this story finished within the next few months, so keep an eye out for it. I also sometimes post progress updates on my writing twitter, if you're interested (@CalFCasper) (I follow back).
> 
> So with all that being said, please enjoy!

**Chapter One**

 

Remus and Sirius are fighting again. It’s not that Harry’s surprised, exactly, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. He had come over earlier to watch a footy game on TV with Sirius, and had almost hoped that Remus wouldn’t be home, because it seems like they’re always fighting these days, no matter who’s around and what’s going on. Harry can hardly bear it anymore. He and his mum have spent several late nights huddled over cups of tea at the kitchen table trying to figure it all out, but so far they haven’t reached any sound conclusions. His dad doesn’t seem too worried about it; he keeps saying that they can fight all they want, but they can’t make themselves stop loving each other. And that’s all well and good, but Harry’s just sick of hearing it all the time.

Right on cue he hears something smashing in the other room, and he startles in his seat on their couch. “That was almost twenty fucking years ago, can you let it the fuck go?!” He can hear Sirius yelling, and he cringes silently. He still doesn’t know the finer details of their infamous break up, but he knows that Remus is supposed to know better than to bring it up. They all know better than to bring it up. Remus just tends to go for the low blows when they’re really going at it.

“Well if you’re going to keep concocting this bullshit and acting like I can’t be trusted, then why the fuck shouldn’t I remind you that the only one of us who has lied to the other is  _ you _ ?” Remus shouts back, and something else breaks; something that sounds an awful lot like glass. The last time they started busting up the dishes Sirius had showed up later at Harry’s house with a fat lip and hadn’t left for a week. He’d spent the entire time playing incredibly melancholy songs on his guitar and moping around in the guest room, and finally Harry’s mum had had enough of it and sent him back home to talk things out. Harry groans to himself at the thought of another week like that and decides that his time to leave the two to their own devices has long since passed.

“How many times do I have to fucking apologise for that, you fucking dick?” Sirius is practically screeching while Harry slips his feet back into his shoes, looking almost frantically around for his jacket. “How many times have I cried and begged and pleaded for you to forgive me? You either forgive me or you don’t, but you can’t keep holding it over my head!”

“Then you can’t keep holding  _ this _ over my head when I haven’t even fucking done anything!” Remus is loudly pacing now, and Harry nearly rips the sleeve of his jacket off in his haste to pull it on and get out before he can hear anymore. Sirius must have started stress smoking, because the smell of it is suddenly thick and cloying in the air. 

“I’m not  _ saying _ you’ve done anything! I’m just saying that you need to admit that you want to!” Harry finally stumbles through the door, slamming it shut behind him as he rushes down the hall. In the next apartment over he can hear old Mrs. Sprout ringing the police on them again to complain about the noise. He doesn’t feel bad enough to go back and warn them.

He makes it several blocks before he finally slows his pace. He can feel his phone vibrating in his back pocket, but he doesn’t bother to check it. He knows it’s Sirius; he probably heard the front door and remembered Harry’s presence in their house. He always calls Harry and apologises and promises it’ll never happen again, but at this point Harry knows better. He lets the call go to voicemail.

There’s some sort of festival or pop-up flea market going on in the square ahead of him, and he lets himself get distracted by the bustling of the crowds and the vibrant colours of the tents and the eager calls of salespeople trying to catch the attention of potential customers. He gets sucked in by a booth filled with milk crates stuffed to the brim with old vinyls, and he idly picks out a few that he knows Sirius would like before he reminds himself that he’s angry with his godfather and puts them back. After another moment, however, he decides he probably won’t still be angry by Christmas, and begrudgingly takes the records over to the till. 

It’s while he’s standing in the queue waiting for the woman in front of him to finish making her purchase that he first notices the man watching him from outside the tent. He eyes the man warily, but when the man refuses to look away the awkwardness of such unexpected eye contact is too much for Harry, and he breaks it uncomfortably. He can’t help but cast quick glances at the man from time to time, and he can’t help but feel like something about his sharp gray eyes are familiar. They’re almost like Sirius’s, but not quite. And Harry swears he’s seen the shape of his nose before. But he knows he’s never seen this man before; he’s sure he would remember his piercing, almost chilling gaze if he had. 

Harry decides to ignore the man while he makes his purchases, and is almost able to forget his presence when he fumbles with his wallet and spills coins all over the counter that he and the cashier clumsily recollect. When he finally ducks out from under the tent, though, the man is still standing there, and when Harry begins to hurry away the man falls in step with him.

“Can I help you?” Harry asks shortly, subtly slipping a hand into his pocket to grasp the small knife tucked inside. His mother has always been insistent on him being able to protect himself, so he’s not as worried as many people might be about being followed by a strange man. He’s been trained thoroughly for many years with many weapons, and this particular knife has always been his weapon of choice.

“I hope I didn’t alarm you,” The man replies after a moment, and to Harry’s dismay he sees the man eyeing the hand in his pocket pointedly. “I just had to ask if we know each other. You seem familiar to me.”

Harry glances over at him, and takes note of the surprisingly pleasant look on the man’s face. He thinks it seems forced, and tightens his grip around the knife’s handle. “I don’t think so,” Harry answers, veering slightly away from the path they’re following. The man keeps up with him despite this. His mother once told him that if he ever found himself being followed, he was to go directly to a police station. He didn’t even need to go in; just being in front of one should be enough to scare off a criminal. He thinks about these words and takes the next right turn, knowing that there’s a station just a few blocks away.

“Oh, I think I’ve figured it out!” The man finally speaks up again, almost startling Harry. He’d been so deep in thought trying to figure out how to get rid of the man that he almost forgot he was there. “You look just like your father. James Potter, isn’t it?”

Harry’s head whips around to stare at him as he skids to a stop. “How do you know my father?” He demands.

The man stops as well. “We used to do business in the same field, in a manner of speaking.”

Harry, who knows quite well that his father hasn’t really had a job since before he was born, grows even more suspicious. He resumes walking, allowing the man to walk with him for a moment more, and then just when the man opens his mouth to speak again he takes off, flying over the concrete beneath his pounding feet and leaving the man shouting after him. He casts a quick glance over his shoulder, but the man doesn’t try to follow him. Before he rounds the corner up ahead he catches a glance of a black SUV sliding up to the curb beside the man, and the man yanking the back door open angrily.  


Harry slips into a side alley between two buildings, knowing that a vehicle of that size could never follow after him down it, and spends nearly half an hour winding through the downtown streets before finally deciding he’s done enough, and starts making his way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading :)


End file.
